Iâm gonna get straight to the point. If youâre like me you canât escape âthe bird boxâ phenomenon. Shit sweeping the nation dawg. Itâs people talking about this movie who I thought only watch Madea (Tyler Perry you can go to hell dawg). I legit didnât know yâall knew they had movies that didnât have black men in a dress. Oh Itâs getting spicy in this motherfucker. Oh yea. Yâall hate this movie like itâs your dad you never met. Iâve seen people call this movie the worst movie ever. Funny to ya boy. That would mean âTakersâ was never made. Iâm still mad Chris Brown front flipped over a 20ft gate. That movie was bad. Like bad. But Aye Iâm on fandango yesterday, right. I see Will Ferrell has a new movie. That mother fucker has a 0 rating. I canât even make that up. I felt so bad for Will bruh.
Bird Box started and I immediately knew the ending. Itâs Sandy and her new nose and these two little kids in a house. She was giving them little kids a pep talk. That was a sign that everybody else was dead. Spoiler Alert: I was not wrong. So letâs get this straight. The movie wasnât trash per say. Iâve seen a lot worse. Did yâall see me mention takers? Because boy he flipped..Never mind. They should have given more context about whatever the hell is going in the wind. Letâs step back just a bit. The whole premise of the movie is that some fucking wind blows. Next thing you know youâre doing some wild shit. You canât control it. Itâs like some neurological monster that controls you. Whatever you fear you have it consumes you. Is that accurate ? Shit. I dunno it felt accurate. Letâs go with that. Most of the movie the characters eyes are covered. In every house we see the windows are boarded and covered. Thereâs even a scene where ole boy drives a car where the windows are painted. He basically drove that hoe in Stevie Wonder mode. I dunno dawg. Donât ask me. So a wind monster you canât look at is the villain. However their are some people the wind controls that are still normal. Itâs weird. Which is where the birds come into play. You gotta keep some birds around because those little fucks can sense âthe windâ. Brazy right? Not as brazy as this though... there are two black men in the movie who donât die first. Mind blown? I know. I know. 2018 we really progressing as far as ethnic movie deaths go.
Rod from Tsa who goes by Charlie in this movie mightâve been the best character. Guess what? Rod dead. He died in a freezer, baby. It was fucked up too. Charlie knew the grocery store had grub there because he had just locked it up. Charlie didnât even want to take that ride. The nice black guy made him. Aye Trevante got heaven points. Ainât no black man ever gonna be that trustworthy during an apocalypse. You canât even ask a black man to use a phone charger. Heâll ask you for your whole social as collateral. That boy Trevante was a good human being. Thats why he is dead. Spoiler alert. But before he died he did get some of Sandyâs pancake. That thing was flat flat too. To be fair for a 50 year old white lady Sandra Bullock looks pretty good. John Malkovich was the realest mother fuckin person in the movie. He was me. I ainât trusting none of yâall. If the world was ending today and I had nothing but room, itâs gonna be my dead ass alone in the all rooms. Open the door? Bitch is you crazy? Iâm sorry beloved. Human nature is to survive. John Malkovich can survive with me any day. Honestly none of the other characters are important. No disrespect. They dead anyway so what are they gonna tell me.
Let me tell yâall the funniest part of the whole movie. Sandra had a son. We never find out who the dad is. Sandra is also traveling with a little girl. The girl was for the creepy pregnant lady. She deserved to die really. No love lost. Anyway Sandra named these kids âboyâ and âgirlâ. Bruh Sandra ainât give 0 fucks about them chirren. The funny part is Sandra warns the kids one of them is gonna have to look out and guide her. Sandra is blind folded as she is driving the boat. Her son says, âIâll do itâ. Sandra was like nahhhhh. Letâs let the girl die. Haha. They all survived. They found a school for the blind. Plot twist. Blind people out here living swell on you seeing fucks. Long story short keep some birds around bruh.