#robots writes

****

James knew the top hat was a terrible idea. And he never should’ve let his mom talk him into the red cumberbund. But he remembered the assembly that made him want to be a bat trainer and he just knew it was the way he would have to do it.

He’d been training bats for zoos and secret military operations for years but was finally FINALLY able to tap into the school assembly market.

He’d only had to give up the center cinnamon roll on Christmas morning and let Sirius style his hair once a month. But he’d bargained and pleaded until Sirius gave in. The only other condition was that he had to use a teacher as an assistant.

Who he was supposed to meet any second.  He scanned the gymnasium and looked for what he had pictured in his head as “Ms. Evans”. Sirius had only described her as “very uptight and old fashioned, the kind of woman who lives in cardigans and stays at home knitting for her cats”. So James had imagined “Ms. Evans” to be close to 150 and very stout and kind.

The perfect assistant to calm his nerves. She had a lot of cats so would not be scared or alarmed should Bartholomew act up.

As he scanned the room, a very pretty, very young teacher with bright red hair approached him

She scanned him up and down and her eyes barely contained her amusement at his get-up.

“Hi, I’m Lily” she prompted and held out her hand. James took it and shook, continuing to scan the room “I’m James...Potter...the bat trainer. Have you seen Ms. Evans or Sirius anywhere?”

“Only this morning in the mirror….and Sirius is always late- I thought you were his friend?”

Oh. FUCK.

This could not do.

This could not be his assistant.

She was too pretty, too distracting too-

“Can I have my hand back or is this a bit for the show?”

Her question interrupted his thoughts and James dropped her hand quickly.

“No….yeah….I…” he started and then she laughed.

HOLY FUCK HE WAS DOOMED.

She was even prettier laughing. “I hope you don’t talk much in this show.”

James rubbed his neck sheepishly as she examined him again.

“I didn’t realize that we were supposed to be so formal. I would’ve worn my sparkly gown.”

An image of Lily in something low cut and sparkly jumped into his brain and he lost all words once again.

“Are you alright?” she asked. James had no idea how much time had passed. “Me? Fine? Yes”

Lily looked at him like someone trying to figure out a puzzle, “So….do you want to get to it?”

“Get to….I’m sorry?”  James tried

What was wrong with him? It must be the proximity of children. He no longer knew how to speak to the opposite sex. He had retreated into his fourth grade self and did not know how to talk to girls. She laughed again and James could not decide if he wanted to die or kiss her.

“You seem nervous,” Lily grinned at him. “Just tell me where to stand and what you need me to do and everything will go great.”

She was touching his arm. That was the only thought he could hold on to. The only thing

“JAMES!” Sirius’ voice broke through, “Are you almost ready…. I see you met Ms. Evans and-”

“Yes, Sirius,” Lily interjected. “You never told me that James has such a way with words”

Something in her toned clued Sirius in and next thing James knew he was being hauled behind his portable curtains and given the scariest pep talk of his life. Sirius whisper-shouted at him, things about, “I know you haven't seen a girl in a while,” and “get your act together,” until James finally came to his senses.

Sirius brought Lily behind the curtains and James was able to give her the rough idea. He only lost his train of thought twice.

Once when Lily laughed at his lame Ace Ventura joke and again when she asked him “Shouldn’t you have named him BAT-Thelemu”

***

Lily hadn’t expected James to be funny.

When she’d first seen him pacing around the gym looking at his curtains and adjusting the cages- all the while in a top hat, coat tails and cummerbund- all she could think was, “this guy can’t be for real.”

But he was. And he had glasses.

And he was cute. At first she thought maybe he’d been dropped on his head as a baby. The way he struggled to find words- but then Sirius had shown up and it was like a switch had turned on.

He was midway through explaining  the finer points of the presentation when the classes started to arrive.

Lily reviewed the visual cues with him and felt ready to go. They’d spent less than half an hour preparing but James was so funny, so helpful and the cues were so easy.  She was sure that nothing could go wrong and actually felt somewhat excited by the prospect of presenting a bat show to the children.

***

James. Was. Killing. It.

The students loved him. Hands down the best assembly of all time.

Granted, it was his first, but he was sure nothing could stop him.

They were halfway through the grand finale (a coordinated dance to Thriller) when disaster struck.

Instead of giving the bats the signal for “circle,” Lily gave the signal for “attack.” (Granted, they were very similar and James might’ve taught her the wrong one because he’d gotten so distracted by her collar bones.)

And then all hell broke loose.

Bats were everywhere. Diving and spinning…..first over the children and then straight to James.

Instead of giving them the signal for “stop,” James ran- right into the temporary curtains.

And everything went black.

****

“Fuck.”

Lily said that one out loud. Somehow, Sirius had kept a clear head and promptly evacuated the gym.

Leaving Lily alone with five wayward bats, some knocked-over curtains, and a very unconscious James Potter.

“Fuck.” Somehow, she knew this was her fault. She must’ve gotten signals confused. She probably had been distracted by James’ forearms or- no- it had to have been his jawline.

His jawline which could currently be shattered if the large CLANG that occured when he fell was any indication.

Luckily, their owner falling down and possibly dying seemed to be a symbol and the bats had calmly re-entered their cages.

She didn't know if she should call 911 or get some ice or-

“Fuck.” That one came from James.

He was starting to sit up and untangle himself from the curtains. Lily rushed to him “James- I’m so so sorry I-”

“FUCK,” he emphasized and took off his hat.

His hair.

“Fuck,” Lily stated, and James’ face was panic-stricken.

“Does it look bad?” he asked and began to press his hands against his head and look for blood.

“No- I-” Lily stopped herself. I thought you were cute before but now your fucking hair has me planning our wedding..would you like 3 children or 6?- she thought  but said instead “I’m glad you’re okay…”

“Awww...Evans….Tis only a scratch” he grinned.

“A scratch, your arms off!” she replied

“I’ve had worse!” He insisted

“Liar!” she laughed

“Come On Then, You Pansy” James exclaimed and tried to stand but in a tangle of curtains and poles only managed to get to his knees

“What are you going to do bleed on me?” Lily asked but barely through her laughter

“I’m invincible!”

“You’re a looney!” Lily retorted and couldn't remember the last time she’d laughed this hard.

“The Black Knight always triumphs, Evans!” he bellowed.

“Oh for fucks sake!” The voice of Sirius Black came across the gymnasium “You lot haven’t cleaned this up yet?”

“LANGUAGE SIRIUS” Lily and James said in unison.

“Look,” Sirius started, “the children are traumatized and we need to get this shit out of here. Then I need a drink.”

Between the three of them, they were able to miraculously clean up the mess in under thirty minutes. Exhausted but laughing Sirius declared “This fucking nightmare of a day over”  and they headed toward the parking lot.

“Where shall I meet you?” Lily asked

“James will pick you up,” Sirius responded,”Your place is right on the way from his to the pub. Can’t be crowding Old Man Miranda’s pub with excessive cars. Remus and I will meet you. James pick her up at six. I’ll send you each others numbers. Cheers!”  And he pushed past them to his car.

“I’ll see you at six then” Lily grinned and then breezed past James to her own car. Before she opened her door she offered, “You might want to wash that guana out of your hair first though.”

***

James managed to text Lily without throwing up from nerves, get her from her flat to the pub without wrecking his car and successfully guessed her favorite drink.

He was feeling very proud of himself. Mostly because the conversation was flowing and he was nearly certain she was scooting closer to him as they flirted? He was pretty sure this was flirting.  

By 6:45 he was certain they were flirting because Lily’s head was resting on his shoulder when she declared, “I think we’ve been set up.”

“Have we?” James asked

“Do you mind?” Lily asked and turned her face toward his

“Not in the slightest,” James smiled and brushed her hair behind her ear

“We can never tell him it worked,” Lily breathed, “He will be insufferable”

“I should’ve known from the moment he offered to have my bats perform,” James told her and leaned the rest of the way to bring their lips together.

It’s been six months since they left Florida and made their way across the sea home.

Lily insisted on flying and James had complied.

There wasn’t nearly enough room to do what he wanted to do to Lily in the airplane bathroom but Sirius had challenged them to join the Mile High Club once Harry had fallen asleep after the in flight movie and they never backed down from challenges.

They settled into their cottage quickly and worked through creating a new routine.

Lily’s kindness and patience is endless. She is hyper aware of helping James and Harry build a relationship.

She sends them to the store together, makes James take Harry to his very first Quidditch match.

He still can’t stop touching her. Sirius is being very good natured and not teasing them.

They’d always been very physical, not just with sex but hand holding, leaning and touching each other.

Now it is like he is afraid she’ll fly away if he’s not holding her down.

It embarrasses Harry, which makes James feel like his dad and he has such a feeling of relief because of it.

Because it feels like he is Harry’s dad. Not some stranger that he’s met after ten years.

His dad that embarrasses him.

He never thought he’d be thankful for that.

These happy moments are slowly starting to fill and replace the darkness James has been carrying around.

And yet….  sometimes that darkness seems all consuming.

Pressing on him until he cannot breathe. Cannot think. The weight of his sins sometimes makes him think he will never be whole.

One night he wakes from a nightmare and the darkness is so bleak he just has to get out. To run, to breathe, to not be James. So he does.

James Potter walks out his front door and Prongs bounds off into the night.

He’s gone a week.

Seven blissful days of roaming the countryside. Living as Prongs keeps the darkness from becoming all consuming. He can just escape.

James returns home and finds his wife in the kitchen. Eyes blazing. Good. Maybe he’s grown a little tired of her being so bloody understanding all the time. Maybe a good fight will make him feel alive again.

“Three days” Lily manages, “Three days I thought..” her voice waivers for a moment and James feels his itch to argue drain from him.

“I thought you had been taken. Or maybe you’d left me. Or that you’d gone and killed yourself. I never know- you don’t let me in...I can tell when it is hurting you more than usual and I keep-“ She stops herself.

“Three days I was sick with worry. Until I was in the garden just trying to keep myself busy from worrying Sirius and everyone else who loves you- even I see your bloody stag prancing through the woods,” her anger is back now and has an edge, “So since then I’ve at least known you’re alive. But I had no way of knowing if you were ever coming back if you still-“

“I’ll always come back,” James manages. “I promised.”

“You’ve promised me a lot of things, James Potter. The first of which was to share all burdens. But you won’t- you won’t tell me it all,” Lily is right next to him now- her hand reaching for his cheek. “Let me in James. We will never be whole again until you do.”

“I can’t,” James starts and his voice is thick with his tears. “You’ll leave me- the things I’ve done- I don’t- I’m not the man you signed up for.”

“There is nothing that will make me love you less,” Lily assures him. “Now, please, share your burdens.”

And she presses her lips to his. James rests his forehead against hers. Takes a deep breath, and begins his confession.

He tells her everything. Every ugly thing. He tells her things he hasn’t told Sirius. About the camaraderie  he experienced and how he hated himself for it. That he made friends with these people who would sooner see his family wiped of the face of the earth.

When some memories made him physically ill- she rubs his back and tells him to let it all out. He talks all night. Until

he is hoarse, until he is physically spent. And Lily holds him.

And when the sun begins to peek through their curtains, they make love. Every kiss, every thrust is an oath.

“I love you”

“I’m here”

WHAM! Something slams into him. On instinct he goes for his wand, which he left upstairs.

He looks down and- it’s Harry. His son. Harry is clinging to him and he is standing there like an idiot. James remembers himself and embraces him.

“Dad!” Harry exclaims when they seperate and James can’t stop the tears, “Hi Harry!”

“Mom is almost out of gas. The light came on and EVERYTHING but she said we could make it- that she didn’t want to stop again.”

James smiles and tells him, “I’m glad you didn’t stop...I couldn’t wait much longer”

And with this he looks to Lily again and she is watching them with such fondness and love his heart clenches again. Maybe they will be alright.

With a shaky breath, Lily scolds Harry as she crosses to them, “You weren’t supposed to tell about the gas, Harry...that was our secret. Now let me get in there.”

She is inches from him. And he feels like sixth year when he was afraid to reach for her hand. He does now though. He wants to touch every inch of her. Embrace her and convince himself that she is real. They survived and she is real and they will be alright.

He reaches for her right hand and then her left. She gives him a squeeze and he exhales a breath he didn’t know he was holding. They close the distance between them and Lily settles her head on his shoulder. He forgot how it felt when they stood like this.

Sirius would always tease them for “Doing that weird horse thing” but it was his favorite way to be with Lily. Now though…. he drops her hands and pulls her close to him. Her arms twine around his neck and he breathes in her scent. Her hands are in his hair and he can’t help the smile that comes through the tears. “Happy to see me, Potter?” she asks and her voice is thick. “You have no idea, Lily?” And then they are kissing. He has kissed Lily thousands of time. But this kiss, familiar and unfamiliar and full of everything he’s missed for ten years- will be hard to beat. They stare at each other for a moment and they’re kissing again and James is ready to take Lily on the sidewalk when they’re interrupted.

“Are they always this gross?” Harry is asking and the response comes from Sirius, “Lots of the time, mate, but I think we can cut them a little bit of slack. This time.”

Harry and Sirius are standing in identical poses with faces of disgust and arms folded over their chests. Lily flushes red, just like the time they were caught after the final quidditch match sixth year. She pulls away but doesn’t stop touching James, she is holding on to his hand firmly and gives Sirius and awkward one armed hug but James doesn’t want to let her go either.

Harry takes his other hand and asks, “I’m hungry. What's for dinner?”

They unpack Lily and Harry’s essentials for their stay and get them settled in. The discussion then turns to their plans for the evening. Pizza, it seems is a good choice. Sirius offers to take Harry to pick up the pizza and to go by Blockbuster to pick a movie. Harry asks if they’re calling the pizza in before they leave and Sirius tells him, “Nah- let's see what looks good when we get there.”

As they’re planning the evening, James cant stop touching Lily, her hands, the small of her back and he hopes it isn’t noticeable. Lily’s hands wander in a similar way. They’re telling Sirius and Harry goodbye and she only lets go of James to kiss the top of Harry’s cheek and to tell both of them to be good.

“You be good too,” Sirius tells them with a very knowing wink and closes the door behind them. As soon as the door clicks shut, Lily locks it behind them and then her lips are on James’.

They are frantic, hands everywhere. James can’t get enough of her. He needs to see her, needs to feel her. Lily, it seems feels the same. Lily is unbuttoning his shirt when they slam into the counter. Breathless, she pulls away . She takes a few steps back and takes her own shirt off. She is grinning at him as she unhooks her bra from behind and lets it fall to the floor. James has always loved Lily’s breasts. He admires the view for a few moments before he is touching them. His hands, his lips, his tongue and his teeth all admire the beauty that are Lily’s breasts. He has her pressed against the refrigerator now and her hands are everywhere. He is kissing his way up her neck when her hands reach his trousers and unbuckle his belt. His trousers fall to the ground and James presses against her, Lily’s hands are against his back and she is pressing him closer as she hooks her leg around his waist. He kisses her fiercely and slides his hand up her thigh. His fingers drift across her knickers, he finds her wet and wanting and he almost cums into his pants right then. But he clears his mind and moves the knickers to the side he teases her with his index finger and presses his thumb against her clit. Lily breaks the kiss and gives a shaky breath. James kisses her neck and plunges another finger into her and asks, “Happy to see me Potter?”

Her voice is low when she answers, “If you don’t fuck me soon James I’m going to-”

He doesn’t let her finish the sentence. He silences her with a kiss and spins them so they’re back against the counter. They break apart and shed their remaining clothing. James kisses Lily as she settles onto the counter. She wraps her legs tightly around him and James slowly enters her. It takes them a few moments to find and remember their rhythm but once they do James is reminded why they spent so many days doing exactly this. She is biting his earlobe and gasping his name when he finally comes undone.

They manage two more rounds before Sirius and Harry return two hours later. They’d been talking on the couch when Lily gave James a look and then he just had to taste her. And then Lily had to ride him on the floor.

They’d been behaving in the shower until Lily asked about a particular scar and after James told her the story she had to kiss it better. And then the rest of it. The sex is frantic and quick and real and James feels like a teenager again.

Sirius and Harry return with two pizzas and several movie selections. He apologizes for how long it took but tells Lily and James that traffic was terrible. This is accompanied with a wink and several thinly veiled innuendos throughout the evening that James prays Harry can’t pick up on.

They stay up late through the night watching movies and talking. It feels like a family. James realizes that the feeling he can’t quite put his finger on is contentment. He hasn’t felt that in a long time. At some point, Harry falls asleep and they carry him to his room. James tucks his son in and kisses his forehead for the first time in ten years. And he’ll be damned if anyone tries to seperate them again.

Walks him to class, kisses him on the forehead and reminds him "No funny business."

She puts on a fake face for the other mothers who never seem to leave the classroom and heads to work.

She tries to forget her old life.

It is incredibly hard.

Disappearing had been the easiest thing in the world.

She thinks this often as she types up the classified ads, birth announcements, and engagements for work.

It's a small newspaper- she doesn't even need the money (Sirius made sure of that), but when Harry turned four and started kindergarten, she started to lose her mind.

Typing helps. It is mindless. And there is always some part of her that hopes an ad that comes through will be the one she's been waiting for.

She is pretty much out of hope at this point.

Harry will turn eleven this summer.

She tries very hard to forget that part.

She worries though, daily, that when Harry turns eleven they will be found.

That everything they have worked so hard to protect and conceal will be eliminated by an owl flying through her window delivering a letter.

She doesn't even know if the American Wizarding School uses owls.

Will they send a letter?

Or will Hogwarts?

Something in her heart clenches at the thought of Hogwarts.

Of home.

Of James.

She doesn't even know if he is alive. She doesn't even know if the war is over.

She's just biding her time in this small Carolina town hoping she'll find that stupid ad.

Somehow- it is already lunch time.

Again, Lily waves off the invitations to go out with her coworkers. She kindly waves at the piles of classifieds she has left to type and holds up her brown sack lunch.

Being a loner is something she's developed in her new life. She'd made the mistake once- at a restaurant job in Alabama. She got too close with one of the waitresses and when the year was up it was devastating to leave. So she'd promised herself to never make friends. She added it to the list of rules she and Sirius had set.

It was raining that night. She's just gotten Harry to go to bed. James was off on a mission- he wasn't supposed to leave but Peter had come in such a state of panic- their Gryffindor pride took over any logic and James had left. It had been hours. Suddenly- there was a roar and flash of light outside her window and then a crack and she was facing Sirius in her kitchen.

He was soaking wet and had wild eyes and spoke without greeting her. "Do you still have those emergency bags packed?"

"Yes- of course- but Sirius-" she tried

And he cut her off and started towards where he knew she kept the bags in the hall closet. "Peter's the rat. Regulus told me- this whole fucking thing….we have to get you, James and Harry out. Out of the country. Where is Prongs?"

Lily stopped short, dread creeping up her spine, "He's with Peter….they left hours ago."

"Fuck!" Sirius all but exploded

Lily felt the familiar waves of panic bubbling over. "Nonono, Evans, you've got to pull your shit together. You and Harry- that's the most important. I'll get James. We've got to get a plan."

So they planned as they grabbed a still sleeping Harry and loaded bags into the waiting motorcycle. As they flew, Sirius told Lily what he'd learned from his brother… that Voldemort was coming tonight, that Regulus had discovered a way to kill Voldemort and that when they told Dumbledore he'd just sat there and said "interesting."

When Sirius couldn't reach James on the mirror, he had feared the worst and went straight to fetch Lily.

They'd decided America would make the most sense. That Lily wouldn't stay in one place longer than a year. That she would stay in the south and that she would choose towns with names that would make Sirius laugh.

Why would a single mother of a biracial child hide in the southern part of the United States? No one would look there. She'd be untraceable with her magic and street smarts. When the war was over- Sirius would send word through the newspapers.

The first year she'd received a message- not that the wary was over, but that James was alive. She pulled out the clipping whenever she needed a boost

Found- Obnoxious Stag wandering a petting zoo. In good health. Seems domesticated and not good for hunting. Free to good home

It was the only news she received in almost 10 years.

She had only broken one of their rules.

She'd been in Charleston the longest. Harry had begged and begged and begged to at least stay for three years. He desperately wanted friends. And Lily knew he needed them. A small part of her worried that she would need to put down roots- that the war may be over but that they were on the losing side. She couldn't gather anything from international news- they seemed to be doing their job on hiding the war well.

She picked up another classified from her pile of ads and worked through lunch.

The rest of the day flew by in monotony. She picked up Harry. He talked her into picking up curry and she was relieved to not make the shitty meal she had planned. They ate and Harry told her all about his day.

At bedtime, Lily would tell Harry stories. Stories about Hogwarts and James. She had to set a limit of two stories a night. Harry would clutch the photo album that was their storybook and would delight in the world of magic- a world Lily still prayed he would see.

He was good at keeping secrets for a 10 year old. In Opelika- his teachers had tried to get him therapy for his "delusions," but luckily it was attributed to an overactive imagination. His questions had gotten worse as he grew older though. The stories less entertainment and more of a mystery, "When will dad find us?" "Will I go to wizard school?"

Lily racked her brain every day for new ways to say, "I don't know".

The next week continued the same.

Wake up.

Work.

Story time.

Worry.

Sleep.

Wake up.

Work.

Story time.

Worry.

Sleep.

Wake up.

Work.

Story time.

Worry.

Sleep.

Wake up.

Work.

Story time.

Worry.

Sleep.

Ironically, the day that changes everything forever almost wasn't.

It was a Tuesday which meant it was deadline day. Lily usually had all classifieds finished before the end of the day Monday, but there was some damn national ad being run which meant she had to reformat everything to get it to fucking fit.

Thankfully- it wasn't anything she had to type because she wouldn't have been able to keep herself from adding some strongly worded commentary into the ad.

Lily didn't even read the damn thing until the newspaper went to print on Thursday.

When she did her heart stopped

Squid Trainer needed. English explorers search for experienced Squid Trainer to work at new petting zoo. Interviews will be held on …. interested parties should contact Nigel Babbington, esquire at xxxxxxxxx

They were alive.

And the war was over.

And she didn't have a fucking phone in her house.

Or keys to her job.

She has to wait until the fucking morning.

When sleep evades her she allows herself to do something she never allows herself to do.

She remembers.

She remembers the feel of his lips after Quidditch matches.

She remembers the sensation of his calloused fingers along her thighs.

She remembers laughing until she cannot breathe and how James feels like home.

She remembers everything.

Therefore, he was a little shocked when he went to pick Lily up from the cottage in Godric’s Hollow to find there was no Christmas tree and no porch coated in glitter, garland and bobbles.

He assumed that this was because James was gone for six weeks to train with England for the World Cup and wouldn't be back until Christmas Eve.

“Alright, Evans...I’m sorry- Mrs. Potter?” he asked as she opened the door and let him in.

“You keep saying that like it is funny every time,” Lily responded, rolling her eyes. “It was funny once.”

“Evans, you wound me,” he smiled and was surprised to find Lily was hugging him. “There, there, Evans- I know you’ve been lonely without your boys.”

Sniffing slightly, Lily stated, “You have no idea.”

“Well,  my lovely Mrs. Prongs- I know what will cheer you up! Let’s go get a Christmas tree and decorate the shit out of your house,” Sirius said and offered his arm to her.

Lily took it and they went on their way. They spent the day getting the Christmas tree and several decorations.

They transformed the cottage into a winter wonderland and Sirius was glad to see Lily looking slightly full of Christmas cheer. She even joined him in singing God Rest Ye Merry Hippogriffs as they hung garland across the porch. Lily seemed happy but not Twenty Six Days Until Christmas!! Happy. He decided that she must be missing James too much to really embrace the spirit. It was the first time since they’d gotten together that James was gone for Lily’s usual Christmas countdown. Since James was out of town- and Remus was still teaching at Hogwarts- Sirius decided to make it his personal mission to bring the Christmas Cheer back out of Lily Evans Potter.

Sirius woke the next day with a plan. He dug through his old school trunk and found the slightly burned and completely wrinkled copy of the legendary failed Advent calendar. He highlighted the top 24 activities and planned an order of events sure to restore Lily Evans Potter to her usual level of Christmas preparation.

The Plan was a disaster.

Sirius had tried all of Lily’s favourite pre-Christmas activities.

She fell asleep halfway through their carolling trek.

Then during ice skating, she had to stop skating to go vomit.

THEN when they were making Christmas cookies, she burst- inexplicably- into tears. She rushed out of the kitchen crying. When Sirius found her five minutes later, she was asleep in one of James’ old quidditch jerseys in their bedroom.

Lily had never really been a codependent person, so Sirius found her consistent moping odd and her lack of Christmas cheer odder, but still, he blamed it on James being gone. Furthermore- she wouldn’t fucking talk about what was bugging her, no matter how many ways he asked.

Which is why on December 12 The Plan shifted into Get Evans Fucking Drunk and Chat About Our Feelings While We Braid Each Other’s Fabulous Hair.

Sirius arrived at the cottage at 6pm with four bottles of Firewhiskey. He let himself in, as was his custom, and announced in his loudest lawyer voice, “Alright Evans- It’s time to have a chat!”

She popped her head out of the kitchen warily and responded, “I can’t- go away Sirius”

Rolling his eyes, Sirius entered the kitchen and sent down the bottles.

“Yes you can. Something is afoot, Evans, and I intend to figure it out,” he said.

“Please stop pretending you’re Sherlock Holmes,” Lily complained.

Sirius uncapped a bottle of Firewhiskey and took a deep drag and then tried passed it to Lily, who didn’t reach for it.

“Come on Evans- this is how we solve things,” he prompted.

“I can’t,”  Lily said.

“Evans.”

“Can’t.”

“Why?”

“It’ll hurt the baby.”

“What baby?” Sirius asked.

At this- Lily just stared at him.

Confused, Sirius asked again, “What baby?”

“The baby currently growing inside of my body, Sirius.”

Inexplicably, Sirius felt tears prick in his eyes- “There is a baby in there? Your baby? And Prongs? A little Prongs?”

Lily rolled her eyes at this and said, “No it’s the milkman’s- of course it’s mine and James’ baby.”

“WE’RE HAVING A BABY?!?” Sirius asked again, suddenly full of an excitement he couldn’t quite describe.

“Well, technically-“ Lily started but once she saw the look on Sirius’ face, she stopped herself- “Yes- yes we are.”

Sirius put down the Firewhiskey bottle and scooped Lily up into a big bear hug exclaiming again, “A baby!”

Laughing fully for the first time in weeks Lily said, “Yes, a baby!”

Suddenly panicked, he set her down, “Did I squeeze you too hard? Did I hurt the baby?”

“No, you prat!” Lily laughed and gave Sirius a soft whack on the shoulder before wiping her tears away.

“Does Prongs know?” Sirius asked.

“No- this is in-person news. So no blabbing!” Lily admonished him as she poked him in the chest

Crossing his heart Sirius said, “Marauders’ Honor. Now come on. We’ve got shopping to do.”

And for the first time ever (but certainly not the last)- they abandoned their Firewhiskey mid-chat to take care of the smallest member of their family.

The next twelve days flew by. Telling Sirius about Little Prongs (as he insisted on calling the baby) seemed to unlock Lily’s Christmas Spirit again. It also helped that she was finally feeling a little more energetic and now having as much morning sickness- which was, in large part, due to Sirius researching a multitude of potions and vitamins to help her feel more like herself.

They spent a few days turning the spare room into the nursery. Lily had plans to have James open the nursery door when he returned Christmas Eve and for him to see the crib and for that to be his present. This was fifty percent because she she thought it was sweet, and fifty percent because “it’s about time I out surprised James on Christmas Eve”.

On December 19th, Sirius and Lily had plans to pick Remus up from Kings Cross for his holiday break from “teaching those little snot nosed shits” (as stated in his last letter). Sirius arrived at the cottage at 9 am and knocked on the front door.

When Lily opened it she looked at Sirius incredulously, “What the fuck is that Sirius?”

“Lily- first of all- watch your fucking language. There is a baby present. Second of all- it's a wheelchair. For you. To keep Little Prongs safe.”

Lily stared, took a deep breath, and then said in her very best mom voice, “Sirius Black. I am pregnant. I am not an invalid. Women have been having babies for thousands of years. In caves and shit. Not to mention that Evans women have naturally strong baby hips. I believe you listed them on ‘reasons why James should marry Evans’ in fifth year.”

Grumbling, Sirius folded up the wheelchair and transfigured it into an umbrella and told Lily sternly, “You start to feel tired at all- and I’m pushing you around.”

“Deal,” Lily nodded, “Now am I apparating or shall you?”

“Evans. We are driving. Like muggles. Apparating could be bad for the baby.” Sirius scolded.

“You’re an idiot Sirius,” Lily said and grabbed his hand. Sirius felt the familiar pull as the sneaky red head apparated them to London.

When they arrived, Sirius gave Lily a five minute lecture about endangering Little Prongs and dragged her to St. Mungos to make sure “everything was still alright”.

As the healers looked her over, they were barely able to contain their laughter as it was explained to Sirius that “Apparating was fine until the end of the second trimester,” and that, “No, Mrs. Potter does not need to be in a wheelchair or on bed rest, the baby is growing just fine.”

Sirius pouted for the rest of the day.

When Remus joined them he asked, “What's wrong today, Sirius?”

Sirius responded with a huff, “Ask Evans.” When Remus looked to her for the answer, she simply shrugged.

His pouting continued until they reached their favorite muggle diner where they traditionally ate on their Pick up Remus from Hogwarts days. Sirius could rarely find a way to be upset when there was a cheeseburger to be consumed and he brightened significantly as they ate their lunch.

That was until the waitress arrived and asked if they were finished.

When Lily handed her plate over with half of a burger and several chips still left on her plate- Sirius instantly scowled.

As the waitress left, Sirius hissed at her, “Evans- you didn't eat enough.”

“Yes I did- Sirius- I am full!”

Remus watched the exchange confused until Sirius all but whisper shouted

“What about Little Prongs then? Little Prongs might still be hungry! You’re eating for two now!”

“I am quite aware of the baby currently growing inside of me Sirius- I don’t you reminding me every minute” Lily rolled her eyes

“Yes well- sometimes I wonder-”

At this Remus politely cleared his throat.

Suddenly remembering he was there, Lily and Sirius stopped what would quickly escalate into a situation.

Clearing his throat again, Remus asked hopefully, “A baby?”

With a rush of tears and sudden movement, Lily moved into the booth with Remus and Sirius.

“Yes, oh Remus, this isn’t how I wanted to tell you. Sirius has been like a mother hen and I forgot we hadn’t told you. I wanted to tell you and James on Christmas Eve and now I’ve-”

She stopped as Remus pulled her into a hug, and, through his tears, he said, “That's alright Lily. A baby. We’re going to have a baby!”

Pulling away Lily ruffled his hair, “Yes, we are. I haven’t told James yet.”

Remus dabbed at his eyes and said, “Of course- this is in person news”. They embraced again and Sirius interrupted with, “This is all lovely but it still doesn’t change that you didn’t eat enough, Evans”

“Shuttup you ass,” Remus told him, “Lily can eat whatever the fuck she wants and I’m going to get her some ice cream-” and then realizing himself Remus added,  “….oh shit- we have to stop cursing now don’t we?”

“Like hell we do,” Lily responded just as Sirius shouted, “LANGUAGE!”

Remus proved to be the balance Lily and Sirius needed. He kept Sirius from being too much of a mother hen and kept Lily calm when she would start to panic.

The day before James was due back, she was in the midst of such a panic.

“We can’t be parents Remus! I can’t even bring myself to wash the dishes half the time! I don’t even know how to change a wizard diaper! James is going to try to teach a little person to fly! And- and- Sirius called dibs on godfather when we got married and how the hell-”

“BREATHE LILY,” Remus told her for the five hundredth time, “A child needs warmth and love and a place to be safe. They’ll have that in spades with you and James. Little Prongs will also have two uncles to show him care and get him out of trouble”

Slowly relaxing Lily asked, “Yeah?”

“Until the very end,” Remus assured her.

The next morning, Remus and Sirius arrived at the cottage to find Lily in full Christmas Eve tornado mode.

James was due to arrive around dinner time, which meant that Lily was busy cooking a feast and putting up her Christmas Eve decorations. Sirius was relieved to see she was wearing her Christmas Eve jumper- so James wouldn’t suspect anything.

After lunch, they retired to the lounge to play cards. James was due to arrive just before dinner so they could make it to the later Christmas pageant. They’d all attended as a family since Lily and James had gotten engaged years before.

Around 3pm- they moved on from muggle card games to exploding snap. Sirius refused to allow Lily to play without some sort of protection for Little Prongs.

“The cards aren’t going to explode inside my uterus Sirius!” Lily argued

“First of all- ew- secondly- I am not taking any chances on my godchild. Besides I’ve been DYING to try this on someone,” Sirius argued.

At this, Remus took another sip of wine.

“Fine,” Lily huffed, “protect me.”

Brandishing his wand with his usual dramatic flair Sirius cast the protection charm.

Lily suddenly found herself inside a bubble.

“Sirius what the FUCK!” Lily tried to get over to him to WHACK him but the charm made her unable to move quickly. Sirius was running from her and slammed into Remus who promptly spilt his wine and dropped his glass. There was so much commotion and noise they didn’t hear the front door open.

Lily had Sirius cornered near the fireplace when James’ voice cut through the chaos, “What the fuck is going on? Why the hell is Lily in a bubble charm?”

Before anyone could say anything else, Sirius exclaimed, “I was trying to protect the baby!”

Trying to cover Remus said jovially, “You’re back early James!”

“They let us out early,” James responded, “but….did Sirius say….a baby?”

“I swear to God Sirius take this thing off of me and don’t say another word or I will shave your head” Lily hissed.

“You would never!” Sirius gasped

“Padfoot-” James said, trying to remain calm, “What the fuck is happening?”

At this Sirius dropped the charm and gave James a smile, “Welcome home Prongs- good practice? Going to win us the cup?”

Looking to his wife, James asked quietly, “Lily?”

“Welcome home, James,” Lily said as she crossed to him and embraced him, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” James said and kissed the top of her head, “can you explain….” and he gestured vaguely.

She grabbed his hands and pulled him up the stairs, “Honestly, I don’t know how Sirius kept his mouth shut when you were planning the proposal. I mean I only told him before you because he was trying to get me to drink and that isn’t good for the baby and-”

James stopped short, “I ask again? Baby?”

“Fuck- I mean- fiddlesticks- I mean…..” with this Lily turned to look him in the eyes.

Lily had thought she’d seen James nervous. When they fought about singing Christmas Carols in October and he approached her in that stupid Santa suit, anytime he walked onto the Quidditch field, and when he had waited for her answer on a Christmas Eve. But now she knew what nervous James really looked like. Terrified, hopeful and with something like joy dangerously bubbling to the surface.

“Yes, James….we’re going to have a baby. I found out right after you left but this is-”

“In person news” he finished.

And it was like a dam had broken. The joy bubbled over and James pulled Lily into his arms with a whoop. “I’m going to be a dad!” Their laughter quickly dissolved into kisses and several “I love yous”.

Once Lily felt grounded again she pulled him to the spare room and told him, “This is how I wanted to tell you- but the best-laid plans...”

James opened the door slowly and felt overcome with something he couldn’t quite define. There sat a crib and a rocking chair. Lily hadn’t done any decorating but here was tangible proof that everything was changing and that there would be someone new in their family.

“Do you like it?” Lily whispered, “I wasn’t sure on the colour or-”

He turned to her and pulled her into another embrace and blinking back his tears he told her,  “I love it, Lily. I love it so much.”

From downstairs they heard Sirius shout, “CAN WE COME UP YET?”

“Yes, you mangy mutt!” James yelled back.

The rest of the evening was filled with laughter, tears, hope for the future but mostly family.

James takes a breath counts to ten. The he rolls his eyes and tells Sirius, “I’m not letting you piss me off today.”

SIrius chuckles and retorts, “Good luck- but you better get started. It took you long enough to shave when there was nothing there. I imagine this is going to last until phone call time so I am going out. I have Disneyworld tickets to buy and a day to plan for my godson”

And with that Sirius picked up their trash and headed to the kitchen.

Once Sirius is done, James heads into the loo to begin his project.

The “Rugged Soldier Look” is just a name he has given to his beard to avoid the truth.

James has gotten very good at avoiding the truth- to avoiding anything that makes him look past his disguise and see the man he has become.

He has created two versions of himself in his mind.

‘Before James’ and ‘After James’.

He hopes that in some small way- removing the beard, seeing his face for the first time in nearly a decade will take him back to ‘Before’ to a man that Lily will recognize, a man that Lily will still love and someone that by some fucking miracle she might forgive.

He begins to trim his beard and tries not to remember.

Growing a beard had started not by choice. Being locked in a dungeon deprives you of many things, and shaving is one of them. Near the beginning, he had asked….but they thought he’d use a razor to slit his wrists or someone's throat so he was denied.

James had been appalled. But now, now he’d done so many things that sounded laughable in comparison. He thinks this as he lathers his face with shaving cream.

After Sirius had come, and they’d set their plan to join he denied shaving again. Sirius convinced him to “make it look neat for fucks sake” and he’d agreed. Sirius joined in solidarity. Sirius had always hated the Hogwarts facial hair rule and was glad to grow it.

James grew a beard to hide.

To hide his disgust with the choices he was making.

To make himself unrecognizable in the mirror

The first swipe of his razor takes him back to his first mission.

Where he had to prove loyalty.

This first thing is the one thing he isn’t sure… it will be the last thing he will tell Lily….he isn’t sure if she will forgive him for it.

But he will tell her.

Even if it is the last thing he tells her.

He might not tell her for years- he might tell her tomorrow.

He has seen what secrets can do to people in the aftermath of this war. James has been so much a part of that destruction he feels cursed with his chance.

A chance at a fresh start.

They’d joined up shortly after James killed Pettigrew.

Sirius and Regulus- ever the storytellers revealed that Peter had come to set James free, and that James refused because he had finally “seen the error of his ways”.

Regulus had done an amazing job of having enough visits with James logged to prove it. That Regulus had convinced James and that Peter had been turned back by Dumbledore.

Sirius, of course, would follow James anywhere and that was their story.

The first time James had to smile at Voldemort, to kiss his foot and take the mark.

Then the tests.

There were many.

Anyone deemed less  than a pureblood was fair game.

The last thing he would tell Lily happened on the third day of tests.

James arrived into the atrium.

He’d barely slept the night before.

He was sure he would be discovered and that today was a trap.

James stopped short when he saw Severus Snape.

His jaw twitched. And he kept himself from lunging forward or drawing his wand.

That fucking bastard. If his final test was to kill Snape he would do it.

He would do it in so many violent ways Voldemort would never question him again.

“Potter,” Voldemort drawled, “Severus here says you were with each other at Hogwarts.  Close to enemies although you both had similar tastes in your filthy attraction to muggle borns.”

Swallowing his rage at the insult to Lily, James put on his best grin and said “Yes- well it seems we both woke up to our perversions and are trying to atone for them.”

“Yes….yes...well Severus here doesn’t believe you. I asked him for the one thing you wouldn’t do and well….I’ll just let you see for yourself.”

The doors opened and two death eaters brought forth a child.

A red headed boy who was cursing like mad.

“A muggleborn,” Voldemort announced in a bored voice.

James raged. He pushed it down and said deceptively calm, “What shall I do to it my lord?”

Voldemort grinned and Snape looked surprised-almost disappointed.

“Well- we know how effectively you are with Avada Kedavra…” Voldemort started

‘Good,’ James thought ‘Quick then. I can pay for my sins later.’

“But I’m feeling a little bored. Cruciatus I think….and then….make him forget everything about magic. We’ll send him to an orphanage to live with the filth like him,” he finished.

James nodded. Held up his wand and for a split second hesitated and then, “Crucio”.

Three hours later, there was no need for obliviate.

James rinses his face and looks into the mirror.

For a moment, he doesn’t recognize himself. Has he become so broken that even his old face can’t hide the brokenness?

Suddenly the phone rings, breaking him from his thoughts. Sirius must’ve returned while he was away because he hears his voice answer the phone, “Nigel Babbington’s office- how can I help you?”  

James wipes the remaining shaving cream off and tries to listen to what Sirius is saying. He hears “Evans” and darts to the living room. He tries to snatch the phone out of Sirius’ hand but is stopped. Sirius holds the receiver ever higher and tells him “You look like you’re fifteen”. James lunges and Sirius takes the opportunity to jump with the phone over the back of the couch.

James glares before Sirius tells him, “Calm down Prongs, Evans was mine first and I didn’t get to talk to her yesterday and you’re going to be intolerable when you reunite so I want 3 minutes.”

Starting to pace James tells him, “I’m watching the time.”

For three minutes all James can do is ignore Sirius and Lily’s conversation, pace, and stare at his watch.

It is a long fucking three minutes.

He tells Sirius, “Times up!” and somehow Sirius gets another minute.

James all but snatches the phone from Sirius and can only think to say “Hi, How was your day?”

The response is Lily’s laugh. So normal. Maybe they will be ok.

He listens to her talk about trying to get Harry to actually fucking pack. She outlines tomorrow and when she drops something on the other end she exclaims “SHIT FUCK!”

James scolds her, “Lily- please don’t fucking curse in front of our child.”

Lily scoffs and retorts, “Well I would watch my language but he did call a kid an arsehole on the playground the other day for bullying someone- so I think it is a lost cause”

“Sounds like his mother- that does,” James tells her and he is struck, not for the first time about how nervous he is to be a dad...will he be good enough? Will Harry like him?

Lily seems to sense this and tells him, “Well I think your son might wear a hole into this floor if I don’t let him talk to you soon. I’ll give some warning before we are out of quarters.”

Harry gets on the phone and James enters another world. His son is fascinating. He’s so articulate and funny and James has missed so much. He can’t wait to see him, to hug him and to learn about him in person. James is so excited by Harry’s description of football he feels like the air is sucked out of the room when Harry says, ““Well, Dad we’re almost out of time- Love you- here’s Mum”

He is extremely disappointed until he hears Lily again, ““Well, James- I suppose I’ll see you tomorrow”

Tomorrow. He can manage that.

His voice thick James tells her, “I suppose so….I love you Lil. I-I can’t wait.”

“I love you too- think you can keep Sirius in line for 24 more hours?” Lily asks

And her response is so Lily, trying to make sure he knows things will be ok- that some things well be the same he is obliged to respond, “Only if you promise to take him off my hands for the next ten years”

“You’ve got yourself a deal.”

And then the line goes dead.

James cant stop smiling for the rest of the night.

After he brushes his teeth- he looks in the mirror again.