Jun 29
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what they don't tell you about shb is that we're actually seeing run 100 of a timeloop where thancred has fucked things up in some way every prior time and thats why his behavior is Shutting Up And Trying To Stand Still. he completely blunders into the True Path which might not even be the Best path
thancred and urianger at their hotel room's minibar before they have to report in for msq duty on the 28th
y'shtola: good but mean driver. refuses to let people merge. goes 90 on the freeway. if you spill something in her car you have to get the wet wipes from the trunk and clean it up. public radio, the classical station, or science podcasts and will not share the aux. does not make you pay for gas unless you're thancred. has a really nice sedan that smells good. don't ask about her insurance premium.
urianger: genuinely hates driving and only barely got a license at age 18 because moenbryda's parents wanted them to have some form of ID that isn't their passport. passenger seat princess bc they get carsick easily, but also isn't a very good navigator. if they have to drive they go 10 miles under the speed limit and will only take surface streets, no freeways, and will pray to the crystals they keep in their tote bag for protection against malicious forces. will play weird music that isn't great for driving if you let them have the aux.
alphinaud: very good driver, assiduous turn signal user, but drives his dad's tesla (he will eventually get his own prius). always listening to some podcast but will share the aux if you ask (and if there isn't a new episode of pod save eorzea). wants you to pay your share of the gas money.
alisaie: got herself an old used jeep and loves it to death. loves going fast on the freeway. lets you eat in her car and shares her car snacks. has been burning CDs of her playlists so she can play her music in the car. would share the aux with certain friends but nobody carries around CDs. pretty decent driver but can get distracted occasionally, but also probably the most fun to be driven by. wants you to talk with her if you're carpooling with her.
thancred: drives like a dad. will let you have the aux, which you should take because he just puts on whatever rock/alt station he can find and doesn't switch off it if imagine dragons starts playing. has a dented dusty SUV so he's always the one hauling stuff. should probably vacuum it. yells at people when they cut him off.
ryne: still learning how to drive and is extremely anxious about it, but does kind of enjoy it. she gets nervous about driving a big SUV and has been getting some of her hours in with y'shtola since her car is smaller and her corrections make her less anxious than thancred's. a good navigator/copilot. is going to put a beanie baby up on the front dash when she gets her own car.
someone's gotta do hark a vagrant redraws in 2026 and that person is me
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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personally one of my favorite things about the bard quests is that both of them could just be lesbians. guydelot with the shitty self-cut short hair with a bad dye job and 3 days worth of eyeliner caked on. sanson with the Sensible Low Ponytail who runs this bard unit like it's the god damn navy. i know these dykes they could be my coworkers
ryne will text urianger photos of her dinner or plants she saw and urianger will send her little rhyming couplets in reply. example:
🐁 pho tonight! [slightly blurry photo]
🦒 Savor, sweet, salt, stir / Thy spoon, thy chopsticks, all concur
it is an often-repeated fact that alphinaud and alisaie are the youngest entrants to the studium ever at age 12, and like it's crazy that these infants got into harvard, but the narrative does not seem to remember/notice/care that thancred was an archon by 17 (he has the archon marks in the 1.0 ul'dah start flashbacks, where minfilia's 12 and he's 17). also he got picked up by louisoix as "an adolescent" so he had spent at most 7 years in sharlayan by the time he got his PhD in "espionage and survival". SHAKES HIM. WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU LITTLE MAN. WHAT DID YOU GET UP TO IN SHARLAYAN SPY SCHOOL. DID THEY MAKE YOU A TOOL, BOY. DID THEY HONE YOU INTO THEIR SHARP OBJECT