lately it's felt like I'm a few steps behind myself, doing the tasks, having the conversations, and some other part of me just watching from further back than usual. I don't know when that started. maybe that's why the justified sinner has been so hard to put down, that same feeling of not being sure who's actually making the decisions. picked possession to rewatch, and somewhere around the subway scene I stopped being able to tell if I was watching her fall apart or just recognising something. not looking for meaning in it, just noticing how long it's been sitting with me.
seven months of this year already gone and I didn't feel a single one of them leave. august is starting now, which has always felt like the evening of the year to me, humid and heavy and a little worse than every month before it, the kind of stretch you just get through. and right at the start of it I'm turning a year older, which this time feels less like a milestone and more like one more thing happening to me while I watch from further back than usual.
rip sam neill </3
