#rlbirl

There are daydreams and nightmares, Jane reflected, but what do you call the nightmares that come during the brightest hours of the day, under high sunlight, fully awake? She knew she could not keep it to herself forever, but struggled to speak of things she refused to truly accept. This was a waking nightmare haunting her like the ghost of who she was, for it was the ghost of who she had been.

She shook her head to clear her mind, banish her dismay, and hid her slightly shaking hands under the dining table.

“Jane? Did you hear anything I just said?”  

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m sorry.” She looked up, pulled from her reverie, and focused on the man she was most afraid of hurting.

Kurt uncrossed his arms, something undefinable crossing the rugged features on his face. “Maybe we should conclude this later. It’s been a long day already.” He scrubbed his hands over the stubble on his cheeks. “Until you remember something more about the man who killed Carter…” He trailed off and looked and her, and she thinks she saw suspicion in his eyes.

She looked away, ashamed to be keeping this secret, but despite the proof she has seen, Jane was not yet willing to admit, even to herself, that she could be the one responsible for what was done to her.

Kurt had once assured her that she must be a good person; that her actions proved what she was inside, but now… now she wondered what she really was deep down. A liar? That, it seemed, was the truth, at the very least, but how deep was her ability to deceive? How easily could she make even herself believe something that wasn’t true?

“Jane.” He leaned toward her, placing one hand palm down on the table. “I know you’re hiding something.” His voice matches his features, but she can hear an edge in his tone that squeezes her heart like a vice.

Careful to steady her nerves, she covered his hand with one of her own, hazel eyes pleading. “I don’t want to hide anything from you, and I will tell you, but I don’t know how, I don’t…” Her gaze slanted away, fingers curling into the back of his hand. “How do I tell you something I’m still processing?”

Turning his hand over, Kurt laced their fingers together, everything about him softening. “Maybe I can help you process it, but there is nothing I can do if you won’t tell me.”

Jane tasted blood as her teeth sank too deep into the inside of her lip, and tears sprang to her eyes. Abruptly she shoved herself away from the table, tearing her hand away from his, and once on her feet, turned away. Her hair felt too soft in her hands as she knots her fingers into the short strands. She tugged sharply, but pain could wake her from this nightmare, this is a reality of her own making.

She didn’t see the alarm in Kurt’s expression, or how he was on his feet almost as quickly as she, but the weight of his hands on her shoulders is calming. “If you won’t tell me, tell someone. We can protect you, help you, but only if we know how, Jane.”

“You can’t protect me from myself.” She muttered softly and let her arms fall to her sides.

“What?” He pushed her shoulder, urging her to turn around and look at him, and she obliged slowly, her steps slow and heavy.

Even more slowly she lifted her chin to look up at him, though she continued to avoid meeting his eyes. “I did this. All of it. To myself… I’ve put everyone in danger. David died because I did this to myself!” The intensity of her voice increased all the way to the end, sounding as raw as she felt.

“Jane… Do you really believe that?” He’s confused, when she dared to look into his eyes, she could see that, but before she could identify what else was hidden in his eyes he pulled her into a hug.

His shirt bunched up under her fingers, nails digging mercilessly into his back, but she couldn’t help but cling, with the fear that he is soon about to vanish, and the strength he has so often offered her will be gone with him.

“Jane?” His voice was soft as he held her close, so soft and she wondered how she could break so easily under something so gentle.

Drawing a deep breath, she steeled herself to say it, to herself and him both. “I saw it. I saw a…a video of me talking, taking responsibility.” She sounded so much calmer than she actually was, Jane almost marveled at her ability to lie even when telling the truth, for while her voice is somehow unwavering, she could feel herself splintering from the inside out.

Her hair stirred when he exhaled into it. “I can see how that would be disturbing, and maybe it is true.” His words were measured, and Jane knows he is more upset by the revelation than he let on, but used his calm to focus on, to still the anxiety that threatened to overwhelm. “But, Jane—“

It’s not her name—Jane is most definitely not her name but it was the closest thing she had to a name, to a connection to something that isn’t a gaping hole of lost identity—and the way it sounded on Kurt’s tongue, like a prayer; like a lightning rod that drew, not electricity, but every insecurity she possessed, she couldn’t help but meet his eyes.

“Jane.” Kurt’s calloused fingertips were gentle on her jaw, and her gaze flicked toward his lips. “We have no way of knowing whether you said those things of your own free will or under duress, and whatever the truth, we will face it together.”

Tears fell down her face, washed hot over her cheeks, and as inexplicable as her sudden smile was, it was relieved. He wiped the moisture from her skin and drew her up to him, bending to meet her when she rose up on her toes. Breathless even before the kiss began, it was a short one, but not desperate or uncertain the way it had been before, it’s a reinforcement of everything she has come to reconcile with him, a promise that everything that came before was no less valid because she discovered something that might make who she was someone she doesn’t want to be.

Jane could still taste him when they separated, his breath washing over her lips, but that was secondary to the love that shined so brightly in his eyes, she felt caught in a snare, staring into so much warmth. “Whatever happened before you climbed out of that bag? The person you are now is not that woman. You are Jane, one of the strongest, most compassionate people I have ever met, and not long ago you told me I was your starting point. That hasn’t changed. Nothing can change that.”

She chewed her sore lip and curled her hand around the back of his neck, feeling stronger, the corner of her mouth ticked upward into a shy half-smile. “I hope, one day, you might also be my ending point.” Apprehension shadowed her face almost as quickly as she said it, afraid to be pushing things that ought not to be meddled with, but the grin that lit his expression was all she really needed. “I am so lucky to have you in my life.”