For some reason, the tragedy in Orlando hit me really, really hard. I’m not sure why. I’m usually really good at distancing myself from stuff like that. But for some reason, this time, it felt like the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’ve slept like shit all week, and I’ve not felt much better.
It has also caused me to be a little more daring than usual. I’m talking with my parents about me being gay, and they’re being more supportive than ever before. I’m out to a friend in real life, and she’s comfortable with both parts of my identity, and I can make gay and ace jokes without worrying about sidelining the whole conversation into Discourse.
And all this outpouring of support from people on the internet, people who have gone through these struggles and are now bolstering the queer people of my generation through the same, it’s made me hopeful. It’s a perverse hope, maybe, but it’s the first hope I’ve felt in a long time.
I think maybe I can do this. I can be this version of myself, this whole and honest and beautiful version of myself. It’s fucking terrifying, every day, and sometimes I remember lying next to my ex-best friend at a sleepover, my new cat snoring between us, and thinking oh my god, what if I’m gay?
I wish I could go back to my sixth grade self and tell her that it’s okay. That her identity is strange and multifaceted and that, even now, more than six years later, she won’t know everything. But she will eventually be in a place where she’s not afraid to love the way she wants. What seems like a terrifying insurmountable obstacle to her now is something she will scale over the coming years, with grappling hooks and hope and ropes spun from her bravest moments. And when she gets to the top, I’ll be there to greet her, and we can face the next mountain together.
I’m still scared. I’m angry and ashamed and lost by turns, and I’m completely flummoxed at this part of myself I managed to keep hidden for so damn long. I’ve still not quite come to terms with it.
But people have done this before. People will do this again. And I am so, so PROUD to be one of those people.
Thank you to all my queer brothers and sisters and non-binary siblings who’ve come before me. I mourn those of you we’ve lost. I mourn those of you we will lose. But I don’t mourn myself anymore, and that’s the best thing I’ve felt in a long, long time.
