( â„ ) ent august evaluation: â i wanna talk to you â edition!
name: hwang â tiffany â miyoung              ℠ktâs aurora, brighter than the sky
âdo i really have to answer this?â thatâs her first thought. âwhyâ is her second but. in the end, she supposes the most appropriate answer is âwhy not?â
it feels like another audition. in a sense, tiffany strongly believes it is. when else would they have the opportunity to convince ( essentially, through extension ) the company what path they ought to take? what the best path for them is, because what better way to set a goal than for it to be one you actually want?
the problem is that saying âi donât knowâ isnât an option.
she thought she knew what she wanted. when it came to her career, tiffany always knew.
whether she lived in denial of it or not, there was a part of her that clung to the dream of being a singer. but sheâs been wavering, her resolve is dwindling, and sheâs been falling, falling, falling down the more she thinks about it.
perhaps her father had a point all along.
her sister needed her. her family needed her.
this time, it was leoâs turn and cassie wasnât too far behind.
this time, she wasnât too far behind.
ryan noticed signs of it firstâ signs as in, he could hear cassie yelling at âcode redâ level, a phrase that he picked up early when he and cassie got together and a fact that made tiffany proud because she coached him through it as leo griped and groaned that it was unnecessary ( but that was mostly because he didnât think ryan would last against their sister ). signs, as in, leo was no longer coming over just to visit emily and eat dinner with them when he was in town for business. signs, as in the way tiffany could see how bloodshot his eyes were every time they video chatted. they were too alike, too stubborn, and tiffany thinks itâs ironic that he isnât a hardheaded leo like she is but he is still leo.
if sheâs falling, heâs the one spiraling and crashing.
itâs a ripple, crests that overwhelm the rest of them, even cheolwoo, whoâs too sweet, too kind to complain and say anything but the worry lies in the furrow of his brows and the dullness of a once luminous expression. heâs a puppy with his tail between his legs and she doesnât know how to help him either.
âyou recently renewed your contract.â
âsix months have already passed, is that recent?â
itâs a fourth of her contract, to be exact. he rolls his eyes and tiffany canât help laughing. they hadnât been this comfortable around this time two years ago but there they were. anyone could see it, the changes in her since she started there and she was grateful, she truly was. still, the moments she wondered if she ought to be there lingered despite her newfound resolve when she did renew her contract to stay.
six months and she was still static in terms of productive success. obviously, tiffany could claim the mga coach position as her newest achievement but that was bittersweet. it is even now and she tries not to grimace at the thought.
âare you sad? a year and a half left with me and my problematic emotional singing.â he arches a brow and she grins, the moment already forgotten as she laughs with him. the truth is, he pushed her ( and no, heâs not a pusher like in mean girls, despite all the movie references she loves to make ) and so did hyunjae.
âhow do you feel about your progress?â
âitâs ⊠somewhat acceptable,â definite emphasis on acceptable and she knows the subtle change in his features is a sign for her to âoh please go onâ but she canât think of what exactly to say other than that. âi could always do betterâ i can do better. thatâs what i mean.â
but she doesnât sound quite so sure. âi can dance better than yesterday. sing better. little accomplishments like that, but by no means do i think iâm done. i donât ever want to be. itâd be a lie to say i donât want to debut one day soon or just ⊠i donât know, begin the process? to be honest with you, i donât know what the process is. trial groups? collaborations? more competitions? whatever it is, i want to debut. i do, but if i can only do so because i say iâm one hundred percent the best i can absolutely be, then i never will. i donât want to reach my greatest potential and never improve from there.â
her glasses slip ever so slightly along the bridge of her nose and she nudges them back into place with a soft hum, a brief pause as she thinks of how best to word this, how to approach this â too often was she the type that spoke for days and yet didnât say anything at all. âas an idol, weâd have constant criticism so iâd want to be the type that listens. ohâ to the constructive criticism, i mean, so things like that. itâs similar to how i could prepare my team all i want. they can practice on a borrowed stage i arrange for them but it wonât be the same as performing on the mnet stage live and, each time, you have to take something new from it once you do. you canât just be complacent. i donât want that. for anyone and especially for myself. in a roundabout way, i guess iâm saying that iâm actually proud of my progress, donât get me wrong, but iâm going to make the most of the rest of my time here. it just wouldnât feel right not to.â
for a second, sheâs convinced herself. for a second, she forgets about leo and cassie and everything thatâs going on, all the secrets she doesnât know, all the things unsaid as words endlessly spill from her lips.
âare you confident you can do all of that?âÂ
âiâm confident that iâll put my all into doing my best. iâm confident in my voice and even my acting. iâm confident that if there was any single career i could choose, itâd be this and thatâs why iâm here. mostly, iâm confident that iâm more than stubborn enough to do it.â
âthat, i can agree with.â
âhey!â
but she canât argue that heâs wrong.
âwhat about your weaknesses? letâs go over those.â
âso how much time do you have today? are you sure you have enough time for that question?â she laughs but he doesnât this time and tiffany knows she should be more serious. âokay, okay, so first, dancing. i think itâll always be a weakness of mine but thatâs why i practice it the most after the day ends. i wonât turn down help when it comes to dancing because i know thatâs where i have the most room to improve but thatâs what makes it worthwhile: the idea that i could turn a weakness into a strength if i work hard enough and thatâs where my stubbornness comes in. that could be a weakness too but i say itâs been a strength while iâve been here. everyone thinks about it at least once, right? a moment of weakness, for lack of a better phrase, but those of us who are still here. weâre stubborn. determined, loyal, and if it doesnât pay off in terms of becoming an idol, at least we know we didnât give up.
that reminds me, iâm confident that i can motivate well? i said before that i wondered why i got chosen as a kt coach but i like to think i can motivate others and maybe thatâs a large part of why. iâd love to take a leadership position again. i was upset after the mgas but i have to redeem myself. i still believe in the team i had. thatâs why yuri made it into kt, isnât it? because my team was good. i refuse to accept otherwise. the other teams mightâve performed better but that doesnât mean my team didnât do well. who they are, thatâs not a weakness so i want to gather strength from that.â another pause and she bluntly adds, âiâm rambling.â
âwhen arenât you, ms. hwang?â
they laugh together this time and tiffany is glad for the break in seriousness, the break from her own monologue, even though the facts are the opposite. there was once a time she didnât speak much at all during training, or to him for that matter but theyâve moved past it. she trusts him again and he believes in her all the same. but here comes the question that sheâs been dreading.
âwhat do you think about your future with kt? what do you want? thatâs the main point of this so tell me.â
if she could, sheâd blurt out that she doesnât know. the truth slips out unceremoniously, a spur of the moment bout of utter and pure honesty. âeverything.â
it sounds about right now that she thinks of it.
she wants to sing, she wants to act, she wants to lead, she wants to compose and write lyrics. she wants to make her father proud, she wants her mother to see her from heaven and hear her singing on stage. but she also wants to go home. she wants to be there for her siblings, for emily. she wants it all and even though she warns newly signed trainees of the sacrifices one makes, nearly three years later, she still isnât ready to accept them all quite yet.
âmaybe that sounds greedy but what donât i want is probably an easier question. i could talk forever about what i want to do or try. i want singing to be my priority. always. every day of my life. iâll sing with kt and one day in the far future without them. you know, when i retire, if i ever do. like i said, every day of my life. maybe just not on stage when iâm old and probably need a hip replacement from all the dancing and potential falling because of the dancing. but acting in dream high was an amazing experience and everything i went through on the mgas, everything my team went through, only makes me believe that even if iâm sad about things, even if those in my team or group are upset, weâll move past it together and thatâs a beautiful feeling. i want to keep writing. if i could write or compose a song for a group i debut in or even for myself as a solo, i doubt i could be any happier about how far iâve come. i want my dream to be worth not being around for my nieceâs first words and the first steps she takes. i want my dream to come true. i think all of us here want that.â












