#rivkamalka

Please share your Relationship Magic stories so all of us can learn!   Read more at http://rivkamalka.com/relationship-magic/

  Thank you to Danielle Sara Storch for the vision and effort that were behind this evening, and to the amazing cadre of women who planned, promoted, spoke, inspired and attended. Thank to to Rebbitzen Feldman for honoring us with your presence. My friend was sitting in the middle row and behind her was an unfamiliar face. Taking a deep breath, she turned around and said "Hi, my name is Rivki." I was over at the refreshments table thirstily looking for some water. The woman next to me seemed thirsty too. I'm going to get some water," I said, "do you want me to get you some too?" Last night's Jewish unity event sparked more than just good ideas and inspiration. Hundreds of acts of loving-kindness took place in that one room alone! It sparked an engine of activism. And it's just revving up! One woman walked in, in the middle of the program and told me later that as she entered, she felt the atmosphere thick with love. We started the program singing Hinei Ma Tov U'manaim to warm up the room. It took a few minutes before the singing caught on and even then we had some more ice to break. It's not that people were unfriendly. We're just so used to seeing the person next to us as other. We needed to move past that. So we joined in an ice breaking activity. Find 5 things in common with the person next to you. We asked the women to share about real things; tobe sensitive in the questioning and to look deeper. What's that person really about? At that point I walked around the room.  It was sight and sound I'll never forget. The otherness was no more; animated faces, postures leaning in, a cacophony of friendship right before my eyes! And then we were ready to begin! We heard about why were there, we heard about the Ahavas Yisroel project. We heard testimonies of women who let go of grudges, who stretched in kindness. We heard about Hashem's love and about the strength of women. We heard words from the heart and they entered our heart. And when the lights were low we prayed together. We saw the 6 minute ahavas yisroel video (you can see it here - http://youtu.be/WjgaX-LVAkQ ) All at once it became clear that all the pain and illness and all the terrorist attacks and threats are one too. They're one message to us to wake up, to improve, to unite! It was like we walked in asleep and had a collective awakening. An awakening to the pure and simple truth that we are one. That we need to love one another and that the time is now. I was awed by the power of the night. Women  stayed; not for one hour, but for two or three hours. We honored women who dedicate their lives to chesed and we danced and sang to the music of Ayelet Hashachar. The awareness was palatable. It's the eleventh hour. The sound of the Shofar is calling to us and the rants of our enemies are haunting us. We can't wait until war to come together. We, the Jewish women want to come together in peace! What is that peace? What is that unity? It starts in the heart; in the knowing that our fellow Jew is ours, to love unconditionally. It continues to the head, where we consciously withhold judgment. Where we remind ourselves that we each need to answer to G-d privately and that to love Him, is to love His children. And it moves. To our arms, our legs, our hands and feet. When we give of our time and money to help our fellow friend. When we  give in ways that we thought we never could. When we think of the next person and do something that would make them happy. And the result? K'ish Echad B'lev Echad. Like one man with one heart. We want nothing less! This is a lofty goal. But we can do it! We already are doing it. Let's do more! Lets tip the scales! - forgive someone who wronged you -volunteer with an organization that does good work -engage people who you wouldn't naturally be drawn to. see what's there! -do an act of kindness to someone you've been judgmental of -speak kindly to your spouse -acknowledge the small accomplishments of someone in your life with a card -send a note of encouragement...to anyone! -visit neighbors you haven't been to before or don't see much -extend a warm welcome to a new person - even if you're new -call your out of state family and keep them involved in your life -leave a loving note for your spouse before Shabbos or before going to work -thank your children for being so amazing -greet those that you pass with a smile -give the next person you talk to your full attention -spend some quiet time alone to nurture yourself and your relationship with G-d And anywhere in the world, start or join an Ahavas Yisroel /group and feel the impact of your actions multiplied by the strength of the group! Read more at http://rivkamalka.com/coming-to-you-live-from-a-night-of-jewish-unity/

The irony was too amazing. I laughed halfway to the park! I kept them waiting in the car to take a video while talking about putting them first. I can't stop thinking about this.... Do our kids KNOW they're first? What do my actions tell them?   Read more at http://rivkamalka.com/what-my-kids-taught-me-just-by-being-kids/

What's it like for you?   Read more at http://rivkamalka.com/am-i-on-facebook-too-much/

    Dear Friends, The other day, I posted a  cry for help. Help! I lost myself! I lost the person I want to be! I lost my dancing feet. Having Dancing feet is when you're right where you need to be in life and all your movements are gracefully in that direction. Tripping feet, on the other hand... tripping feet are when you want one thing but think that you have to say yes to six others.  When you have tripping feet, you're maxing out, spreading your energies too thin and finding yourself not too happy. That was me. Really, don't ask me how I got there. I was loving my job, loving my kids, loving my site and loving being a wife. But slowly, insidiously, the cyber world was taking up more space than the real world. Its pretty easy to see why that would be. It's a constant one sided conversation. There's no work. There's no stretch. There's no one spilling cereal, leaving crumbs on the floor, or wanting your attention at 6 am or 10 pm. But Hashem stepped in and saved me! The loving Father just waiting for me to run into his arms. All we have to do is show the slightest willingness to change and He opens the doors wide open for us. That video was my willingness. I spit out the words that were on my heart and looked myself straight in the eye. By the end of the day, I had the answer. A Fed Ex prayer. It came in form of an article that my friend sent me that night. An article that echos everything I felt and everything I couldn't even say. The woman who wrote it calls herself, Hands Free Mama. And she is changing families. She has taken her decision to take back those precious moments of her children's childhood, and begun a mission to support and encourage mothers everywhere. I read the article and a shot of clarity traveled through my veins. You'll see when you read it. I sat down and wrote a letter to my children:                                                                                                                                                 Dearest Children, Do you know that being a mother is my favorite thing in the whole world? There’s nothing more precious, more special, no greater gift. And there are no better and sweeter children in the whole world than you. This past year, since going to work, I’ve lost track of my dream. My dream of being a loving, present, fun mother. My dream of a close family where everything is fun and we laugh even as we work. My dream that each and every one of you knows that you are my number one and that there’s nothing more important in the whole world than you. My dream of raising you in a pure and holy environment with  a real relationship with Hashem. How did I lose my clarity? The computer and the phone came into our life and completely threw it off track. Do you know that for every year of each of your lives, I’ve put you to bed? I love that time of day. Other parents complain about bedtime, but I love saying a sweet good night. How often do I do that anymore? And driving in the car together, if I’m not getting a call, I’m making  call. And if I’m not making a call, you want the phone and you’re distracted. Evenings that could be spent schmoozing or playing a game or just being together are getting swallowed up as each person gets their time on the computer. Little children are forgetting how to play simple games like hide and seek and tag, they want a video instead. Life is moving fast, too fast, in a blur and you’re all growing up before my eyes. I want to look in your eyes as you grow. I want to be there for you. Available emotionally, not distracted. Remember, we were the family who homeschooled, mainly to have time together, to slow down the rat race, to fight against the ‘crazy school schedule.” And now we’re not even using the little time that we do have together to its maximum. The computer has become like a demanding family member, taking up space and time, and causing arguments and discontent. I actually can’t explain in enough words how deep this clarity is for me, that something must change. I have come to this conclusion after thinking about it for a few weeks and now being ready for action. You may not have thought about it, and so this is a surprise to you. I’m sorry for that. You may want to fight it. What I ask is that you give it a chance. Give time a chance to work its magic as we settle back into healthier, more loving communication with each other. As we let ourselves remember what it feels like to play, to create. It will start out hard but I promise it will pay off. The first reward will be me – here for you. A better mother. And I’ll need your help. Computers are addictive and I’ll want to give in; To give in to you, and to give in to myself – but don’t let me. Here are our guidelines Mommy – all computer work is done during school hours. No computers after 3:00. Nighttime computer use will be used sparingly My cell phone will be put away from 3:00 – 9:00 unless absolute necessity. I’ll return calls at 9 Kids –No internet use outside of school work. Emails are for out-of-town friends. For in town friends, pick up the phone. Although this may seem like a lot of rules, in reality not too much has changed for you. The real change will be for me, putting away the computer, and not letting it trick me into thinking that everything is urgent. I’ll tell you what’s urgent. Being with you!! My dear, sweet children. And thanking Hashem every day that He lets me have this time with you. I’ve wasted so much already this year, I don’t want to waste a moment more. I love you more than ever, love, Mommy PS please read this article; it’s what tipped me over from thinking about doing something, to doing something now.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    I'm sharing with you because if you're struggling, this just might save your life. It might save your family. Did you read the article? Did it knock your socks off too? [If the link comes up weird, just click on the top where it says Hands Free Mama and it will take you to the home page. You can scroll down to the post "How to Miss a Childhood"]               Read more at http://rivkamalka.com/my-children-have-a-mother/

  Read more at http://rivkamalka.com/deena/

There's a trend that is gaining momentum of disenchanted  Jewish   bloggers sharing their bitterness all over the internet. Now what's a blog for, if not honesty?  We  don't want candy coated writing. It's nauseous. And we don't want superficial, we want fresh and we want real. Not only that but people love that kind of writing.  The comments are not just ten or twenty. There are hundreds of readers who want to chime and in and say "yeah, me too....." I have friends too, who have suffered and they feel a measure of comfort seeing their pain be validated. But even with all that; Even with the ever pressing need to talk about issues; to not stuff them in the closet and to demand that true spiritual values be lived, I think we can do better.                                                                                                                                                                                        Here's how I see it. A person needs to decide for themselves how they identify. Are you first Jewish or are you first American  ? America values freedom. It places your rights above everything. Judaism values responsibility. Your responsibility comes before everything. Rav Dessler in his famous work "Strive for Truth" looks at the difference between the two. A system based on rights is a system based on taking; How much do I deserve to get. The secret American dream is that one day I'll be able to sue a big corporation for some injustice and I'll get 10 million dollars. [after all, I have a right to!] Although the idea of every human being having rights sounds beautiful, it misses the mark. It places responsibility on everyone but yourself. And the society it breeds may value equality and expression,  but it also breeds a selfish, immature self-portrait. Judaism also values equality and expression. And like democracy, which is based on Jewish teachings, justice and fair treatment of every human being is paramount. How we get there though, is where we diverge. In a rights based system, each one is looking out for themselves. In a responsibility based system, each is looking out for others.                                                                                                                                                                                When a person is the victim of unkindness or injustice or some other sort of perversion in the Jewish community, its nothing less than horrible. Not only are we as a people mandated to live a life on a higher standard, but together we are a family! A family! When your family hurts you its devastating! And when you see corruption in the mission you've sacrificed for its a knife in the heart. And that's what you see in these blogs. People are bleeding. Much of what they write about is not even that awful, but in the context of being let down by family, by a system you've  trusted, it's brutal. The question is, are you more worried about your right to free expression or about your responsibility to stand up for values and spread light. The world knows that the Jewish people are supposed to stand for more. These blogs and maybe even the bloggers may feel like they're righting injustice, but in fact they're inciting hate against the very thing they hold dear. Their "free expression" has a very heavy price. You have bloggers who write, "I keep Shabbos, I keep Kosher etc...."  as if to say "I AM a Jew who cares about Torah" and then proceed to shame it by mocking and branding those who have let them down/they disagree with.                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Is there room for expression in Judaism? Yes. In it's place. With responsibility. When things are in thier place, they're beautiful, when they're not, its a whole lot of ugliness. To illustrate; - Two people working it out with Judge Judy. Not nice. They look petty and juvenile bringing their  little issues to a public court in front of millions. Working it out with a mediator, mutual friend, parent etc... Beautiful. That becomes an example of the greatness of people to find peace and compromise. - The President in a bathing suit. I just don't want to see it. My 5-year-old at the beach in her bathing suit. Beautiful. - A daughter who has a caretaking role with her parents and can't live her own life because she's so wrapped up in making them happy. Not pretty. Parents who devote their lives to their kids. Beautiful. Blasting your feelings against your Jewish family and bringing down the value of Torah on the internet is not the place. Its not beautiful.                                                                                                                                                                                                                      But we can't be scared of dialogue. Expression must have a place.  Where? The answers are  two fold, but are based on the same principle; Whatever we do, we need  to build, not to destroy. If you have an issue, work it out where it counts; vent, work out solutions, speak to people who care.Bring it to the attention of people who can do something about it. Find a support group of people who understand you. Be constructive. On the other side is the public forum. The power of the pen is great and needs to be utilized. Each of us is a leader and we have a chance to make a difference. So blog. Blog the night away, but be a builder. Bring solutions. The world is hungry for meaning. It really doesn't need another voice saying, "here's where I didn't find meaning." One little flame can bring light to a whole room. Be that light. Share your thoughts. Let's make improvements, don't add to the darkness.                                                                                                                                                                                                                       And be honest. The worst part about these things is the dishonest journalism. And both sides are guilty of that. Both the white washing and the deprecating. Think of your family. Think of anyone's family. I can easily paint a dysfunctional picture for you simply by focusing my lens on what isn't working. With one eye closed I see divorce, co-dependance, lack of self-esteem, role reversal, debt, shame, jealousy, and favoritism. And that's  in a functional family! Imagine if your parent is a gambler or your brother's in jail or you have severe mental illness that leads to neglect. If I want to, I can make you look so bad, no one would come near you with a ten foot pole. But that's not the whole story. If I look with the other eye I'll see kindness and selflessness, I' ll see caring, I 'll see honest struggle. I'll see triumph, I'll see laughter. I'll see traditions and I'll see friends. I'll see all the things that keep you going beyond the hardship and all the things that make me want to be with you. If I look with both eyes, you know what I'll see? I'll see you. With all your strengths and weaknesses. And with all that makes you uniquely human and uniquely you. And we'll work out the rough patches and we'll stick together, because there's that much love between us. If you really care about a better world, start with honesty. Don't report with one eye closed. Write about the problems and write about the beauty. Be respectful of your readers and don't just give them a sensationalistic piece. Give them something to live for. Don't leave out the millions of dollars given to charity, the kindness done for a person in a new community, the endless hours that Rabbi's give to their congregants, the education that focuses on character development, the values of not gossiping, not lying, not taking honor that belongs to another person, the reaching out to teens on the street, the referrals and accommodations for community members who are sick, the blood drives, the bone marrow drives, the volunteer work on behalf of families with disabilities, the Shabbos tables that are filled with guests the open homes for virtual strangers the programs for battered women the modesty of young girls and the self control that's taught to young men that makes them into true men. Don't leave out the free loan funds, the private packages left at the doors of people who can't afford food the sacrifice of Jewish teachers to make learning Torah warm and fun, going above and beyond the sacrifice of families who live in far away places simply to reach out to Jews who may be looking for a little more The integrity of businessmen who close on Shabbos, no matter what and the integrity of businesswomen who conduct themselves modestly even when joining in would gain them more acceptance And that's just a tiny little drop in the bucket of what goes on. Come to any Orthodox Jewish community and your eyeballs will pop out of your head at the level of kindness. I challenge you. To writers everywhere, I tell you what I tell my children, we have to identify by who we are, not by who we're not. We've heard what you don't like, now what DO you stand for? And for all of us; if we want to take a stand, lets let it be for our people, not against it. We are family. At the end of the day  all we have is each other.                   Read more at http://rivkamalka.com/homewreckers/

  I'm still figuring this one out. So far my tichels are in two baskets and are a big colorful mess. Like Jessi, I go through them pretty often to weed out the ones I never ended up wearing. I'm starting to get the hang of what I really like though, and that's because of  the Dressing Your Truth system that I love. I know I should have a rod or something else b/c its starting to feel a little silly sifting through the fabrics everyday. I love Jessi's idea though because it doubles up on bringing warmth and color, not only to your personal style, but to your environment. It reminds me of that earring trick. Buy a pretty second hand lamp and use the shade to hook your earrings into. Viola! A gorgeous lamp! And organized earrings too. Anyway, last week, it was confirmed that I'm addicted to tichels. 7:30 am at Walgreens and I fell in love with this tichel they had there.( Gorgeous, by the way, I think I'll show it in an upcoming video) Walgreens is catching on! For my friends out there who feel like they can't find tichels where they live; Stop thinking tichels, start thinking scarves. Scarves are everywhere! I was in the Sheraton Hotel yesterday and there, in the gift shop were... tichels (I restrained myself!) The other week I was in the airport, totally tichel central. If you live in a hot part of the country and they have less scarves, then go online ot Old Navy or Target and you'll find what you're looking for. Have a great day! Rivka Malka More Cool Ideas     Read more at http://rivkamalka.com/how-to-organize-your-tichels/