#risky message

I looked both ways

I hate it when you send someone a really risky message and you're really worried about what they will say or how they will react, and then they take forever to reply, or just don't reply at all. 

okay so yeah.. i miss you... and i could sit here and wait forever for you to get on but i really need to get this all off my chest as soon as possible because it's been building up. you will go as far as talking to people you don't even like to get advice on your own life. on what you want. from people who will say whatever they can for them to get their own advantage. i just don't get it. i understand you want an outside view but you know what, i have my own opinions too. every time something went wrong with us, i could sense it before it happened. i just convinced myself it was all okay because i didn't want to believe it. meaning i'm not too bad at reading you right? and i do think i know you pretty well. so you want my opinion? i think you lied to me again. "honestly i can't see us dating." when i first read that, i believed it. and it hurt. but thinking about it, how? ever since the summer, or even before the summer, you have been calling me the perfect girl and have wanted to date me. you could see us dating all those months. even up until now, you could see us dating. like you said, you were gonna ask me out on Sunday. meaning, you could see us dating up until last week. i don't think it's possible to just all of a sudden, not see us dating. so i think you're lying. i think you're scared. i think you're scared because you know you aren't technically on my family's good side. i think you're scared because you don't want to hurt me, and you think you might. i think you're scared because you actually DO like me. and the idea scares you because you don't know a reason why we'd ever break up.. like you've said in the past. example, you know you aren't going to be with Nicole for a really long time even if you do get back with her. you know she's not good for you, but she's just something to fill the time. i'm not that for you and i know it and you know it. so i think you're scared. saying you knew after you kissed me the first time, i think it was the fear too. you kissed me, but you were scared of what it meant. how many other times have we kissed and you not thought that? countless right? so yeah.. you can't sit there and tell me i'm the perfect girl. any guy would be lucky to date me. i have it all.you could see us dating for a really long time. and then tell me, "honestly i can't see us dating." you just can't. i won't believe it. and if i'm wrong with all this, then fine i just made a fool of myself and you really are a dick for continuing to say the things you were saying over skype once i got back(we look like a couple, talking about visiting me, wishing i wasn't in **(insert town name)**, wishing i was with you once you blacked out because you knew you'd be okay then, just examples..) and for kissing me again before i left. but if i'm right, then you are just a coward and need to get over it. but i do miss you. a lot. and i thought i was doing okay until yesterday. i miss being able to talk to you and i wish i could because i want to make sure everything is okay and all but it's hard for me to talk to you knowing that we're nothing. so fine, if you really do think you can't see us dating, then okay. i will try to be friends with you. and i'll move on. if that's what you really want. i can't make any promise that i will be able to stay friends with you... but i will try.. and just know that it is taking all that i have to hit that stupid "reply" button..

i'm trying to become a risk taker....