#rishtas

when I look at my life now, compared to the last decade - I was so stressed and miserable in my 20s. In hindsight I was suffering from chronic stress. Pulling out my hair. Picking on my skin. Self harm behaviours which could be hidden. Which ofc I knew, I could recognize. But didn't do anything about it. It was all too crippling immobilizing. I just turned off didn't want to think at all and was just existing, not living. And all of the stress was from rishtas. My stress didn't end until my parents entirely gave up and left me alone. I do wonder what long term consequences there are of those some 8 years of chronic stress. I should have put myself first over everyone's feelings so I wouldn't have lost all those years.

I like how there's old writings of mine where I talk about what success would look like for me. And that it would be, if I made to my 30s unmarried 😭😂

I don't know who needs this reminder, but arranged marriages are a patriarchal creation designed to make women sexually available to all men, and ensure that the patriarchal control continues from the father to the husband.

it's really insane how pathological desi parents become when their daughter is over 25. The best friend of the girl who got married is one or two years older, being 29. Her mom is so upset and depressed. Been that way for the last few years but this wedding really was a trigger. Seeing the daughter of their closest family friend get married... apparently the dad is holed up hasn't come out to eat much. And the mom was crying. I mean I do feel bad since these real emotions. But they are self inflicted almost. Well, also socially enforced by people saying stuff about your daughter not being married and considering you as a failure of a parent, plus shame associated with it. It just becomes like an all encompassing tragedy. No one can do anything else, talk about anything else. And they really act like there has been a passing in the family. One of these daughters said to the parents that "you guys look at me like you want me gone, like I am not supposed to be here". I mean the married girls mom was like doing prayers and wazaifays for years. just ... acting like they're living with a dead body would not be too dramatic of a way to describe it tbh