Nov 18, 2020
I don't know who needs this reminder, but arranged marriages are a patriarchal creation designed to make women sexually available to all men, and ensure that the patriarchal control continues from the father to the husband.
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I don't know who needs this reminder, but arranged marriages are a patriarchal creation designed to make women sexually available to all men, and ensure that the patriarchal control continues from the father to the husband.
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I wish i could erase all the thoughts i ever had about men from before i realized i was gay. All those “i must have a crush on Mike because Gina has a crush on Mike so he must be attractive” and “Daniel is my best friend and I like talking about books with him so I Must Marry Him” and “If this adult man acting touchy and creepy and intruding in my space makes me nervous and uncomfortable, I must be turned on by it and Into This Sort Of Thing.” Like you would think that stuff wouldnt matter anymore after you’ve realized it was all horseshit, but no, it matters, it still messes you up every once in a while, and I wish I could just gather it up into a pile and set it all on fire just so that maybe for once I can feel healthy and wholesome in my attraction the way str8 girls get to do for free
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@yourscientistfriend wrote this amazing, sad piece and I have feelings about it. You all should read it too.
I would say one of the wildest things, among many, in South Asian culture has to the punishing of women for choosing a male partner for themselves/marrying out of love.
Punishments such as being disowned, or killed. Like you would think, oh meeting an acceptable heterosexual expectation but no. Of course, it's usually applied when women choose, and not usually when men choose.
Now it's not even necessary that a woman is marrying out of caste, class, or religion, which would have been why this ideological superstructure arose in the first place. It can be that the man is someone the parents would have chosen for her anyway, he's perfectly acceptable by societal standards. But it's the fact that the woman chose for herself, that she thought she could make decisions about her own life, that she had any say in the matter. Because you are actually property of your parents, not a being.
This is why arranged marriages are an extension of the paternal patriarchal control. The control is simply exchanging hands from the father to the husband.
it's really insane how pathological desi parents become when their daughter is over 25. The best friend of the girl who got married is one or two years older, being 29. Her mom is so upset and depressed. Been that way for the last few years but this wedding really was a trigger. Seeing the daughter of their closest family friend get married... apparently the dad is holed up hasn't come out to eat much. And the mom was crying. I mean I do feel bad since these real emotions. But they are self inflicted almost. Well, also socially enforced by people saying stuff about your daughter not being married and considering you as a failure of a parent, plus shame associated with it. It just becomes like an all encompassing tragedy. No one can do anything else, talk about anything else. And they really act like there has been a passing in the family. One of these daughters said to the parents that "you guys look at me like you want me gone, like I am not supposed to be here". I mean the married girls mom was like doing prayers and wazaifays for years. just ... acting like they're living with a dead body would not be too dramatic of a way to describe it tbh
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Two of my younger cousins who recently got married, didn't even talk to the guy they got married to. It was just set, based on the fact that the guy is educated and from a good family. And that's it. Which was the same rawaj as my mom's generation, so traditional arranged. I've always wondered what that feels like. Because to me growing up that was a very terrifying thought. And no wonder all the women I saw get married in the 90s when I was a kid were crying on their weddings. some of them were so terribly afraid at their own wedding, I had a cousin who was fainting and having a panic attack!
not to be too dramatic but there are some ways I am still a lil traumatized by all that coerced marriage stuff, even though it's in the past for me now.
but like that example, my heart sinks if someone contacts me with that preface 'hi your mom/auntie gave me your number'. Also, I become attuned to the word "rishta" and "shaadi" in any conversation especially if my mom is the one speaking, like it's a cocktail party effect and you can hear your name. I also in general, get similar feelings of dread whenever I hear phrases like "larka kya karta hai" 'kab sai hain yahan" "kitne behain bhai hain" among other things.
yalls. my mom called someone for afsos karna cos there was a death in the family, and they offered a rishta for me on the phone. mate your sister died.