#ripmegan

That’s how long its been since I got a call at 12:30 am saying you had slipped off of a cove and were gone. I’ve grieved with the people closest to me, grieved when going to your funeral/ celebration of life. I wasn’t even the closest person to you, definitely not someone you thought about on a daily basis. But it still stings. I still think about you everyday, mostly about how you were here in my house a week and a half before I got that call. I stare at my door everyday and remember the knock at the door, you stepping into my kitchen and hugging me for the first time in two years. You telling Brooke and I congratulations and settling down before getting your first tattoo. You were here. You were here and now you’re gone. I can’t help but wish I would have told you so much more. 

I wish I would of told you that I forgave you. Before you arrived, all week I had been thinking about how you broke my heart those years before. How I really did love you and you acted like you loved me but in reality you didn’t know what you wanted. And I know that now. You were always stubborn just like me, therefore I was bitter for the longest time about you. I wanted to forget you, really. I didn’t know if I even wanted you in my home. But damn, I am so glad I got over my bitterness and let you in that day. I am so grateful to have said goodbye (even thought I didn’t know it was goodbye). I will never know why God allowed me to and not even all of your family members. I still don’t believe I deserved to say goodbye. But I guess somehow I did. After seeing how sober you were and how you told Brooke all you wanted was a nephew and to prove to yourself you could stay sober, have a job, and overall be happy, I realized I could forgive you. I could get over myself and just accept how awesome you were becoming. The person I originally knew. When my friends asked how it went I tried to play it off by saying yeah you looked good but you probably were manipulating me into getting more tattoos by my fiance. I couldn’t even admit to myself that I could forgive you now. I’m sorry for that. I’m so sorry. 

I wish I could of told you how proud I was of you. You did some shitty things in your life, but who doesn’t. You were becoming everything you wanted to be and you would have been an incredible aunt. 

I miss you now, oddly. I actually miss you more than ever. I don’t know why either, its not like I had seen you multiple times this year or that we were even close again. I just miss you. And it breaks my heart when I think about how many people miss you at this moment. Especially the last girl to steal your heart, Ellie. She seemed so bubbly and adorable and wonderful, Megan. I think she was perfect for you.