#ripangel

Hey. So I had just a tiny thought going in my mind right now that I feel like I need to blurt out on. And keep in mind that my English is not the best. It is not my first language. The death of our angel jonghyun left a big scar on my heart. I don't know what to feel exactly and I know a lot of fans are going through the same thing but it just pains me so much to know that the people in the same industry as him had probably been through the same case as him. It pains me so much to think about my biases my beloved exo whom I leaned onto a lot this days when I'm having a bad day and I just want to relax myself might have gotten through the things he have gone through. For all I know, for all we know they are having depressionright now and we cannot do anything about it. And in his last words he have told us that he had frequently seek for help and the doctors can't help him. It pains me so much that I can't help him. I can't help him to feel loved to feel that he is good enough to feel that what he did save lives that he had done a good job that his writings save lives. It saves mind for sure. I have gotten through my part of life where I feel like I'm not good enough I feel like I'm constantly lacking of something and I did Not worked hard enough. And yes I am young and I know a lot of people have gotten through worse than me. And one time I discovered lee hi's breathe and after listening to it and by knowing the lyrics I could be calm again. I can push through. Recently I dicovered that breathe was written by him. And it left a pang on my heart. How can someone who is going through so much like that can write a song like that? Was he writing for himself? If he can make people feel stronger why can't he did that for himself? You di well too jonghyun-ah. Thank you for saving me and making me feel stronger and that I'm worth it but why can't you do the same thing? And then I thought oh he must have gotten through a lot harder than I did. Going through depression is not easy guys. It pains more than heartbreaks. And with that I I had thoughts to myself. Should I just quit? Should I just stop liking kpop shoul I stop being a fan and starts dealing with my real life. But it is hard for me to leave something I held onto the most for the past couple of years of my life. In all honesty kpop is the thing thAt have pushed me living my life. When I'm sad I tend to listen to exo or watch their videos. When I just feel like I want to be alone when the sadness is too hard to handle back when I was in boarding school i listen to my exo playlist and sleep away the sadness. It's hard to leave them. But what if it's them who left me.? What if more idols decide to commit suicide and what if one of them are my babies. I can't imagine how I would be in that state. So idont know guys. Should I leave? Should I stay?