#rip anton

Eight years ago when ST:2009 came out, I had to go see it. I’d been watching Star Trek since I was 6, how could I not? As soon as Pavel Chekov came up on screen, I knew I was in trouble. I went home that day, it was almost the end of my first year of high school, and I looked up this actor I’d never seen before. Some adorable Russian kid playing another adorable Russian kid. He was perfect. I was in love.

I went to see the movie again. And again. And by the time the film came out on DVD, I had started grade 11 and my mental health took a veritable nose dive. I had nothing to hold onto. I came perilously close to ending my own life more than once. So I took my Star Trek DVD, watched it a hundred times over, and started to write tomes of fanfiction about this perfect Russian kid. It was awful writing, but I learned a lot during that period about the craft of writing. I wrote and I wrote and everything revolved around Pavel Chekov. He gave me hope. I started hanging around with other people, both in fandom and out. I enrolled in a Russian class. I joined Tumblr. Started dating a physicist.

And then... I don’t know what happened. I was in University. I stopped writing fanfic. I stopped watching Star Trek, save seeing Into Darkness once when it came out and getting frustrated at it because of reasons. But Chekov was still great, regardless of the other talking points in that film.

But I didn’t come back for good. I finished Uni, fancied myself too good for the internet. Heard that a third film was coming out. “Cool,” I thought. “I’ll see it. Why not?” But I didn’t come back.

June 19th, 2016, I scrolled through my Facebook feed first thing in the morning. Everything was perfectly normal. I sat down at my piano, played a few pieces, got bored and re-opened my feed.

Anton Yelchin, 27, Found Dead.

My heart stopped for a split second. He was gone. I walked around in a daze all day, feeling sadness both for his loss and for the fact that I hadn’t paid more attention to him while he was still here. I felt guilty that I hadn’t been the fan I could have been while he was still alive.

I went to see ST Beyond with my boyfriend, the physicist, and I ended up sobbing into his jacket as the credits rolled.

I couldn’t even look at the internet after that. I didn’t want anything to do with fandom for the longest time afterwards. I stuck to anything, everything else that I could find.

And then, one day in September, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to write. And so I wrote my first piece for this blog. It was about Chekov. And it took everything I had to write that piece because every time I saw him in my mind’s eye my brain would stop. That piece has a lot of tears in it. But I finished it. I posted it, and then I kept writing.

I’ve only written 5 pieces for him. I want to write more. But every time I try to conjure Chekov in my imagination, I can’t put two thoughts together. I’ve seen all of Chekov that there will be to see, and I can’t get past that. We’ve seen all of Anton that there will be to see, and I can’t get past that.

Anton and his work on Star Trek got me writing again. He helped me grow. He inspired me and he continues to inspire me with the amazing work that he was able to do in his 27 years. I owe him so much, and I can never tell him that. I can never thank him for saving me when I needed it the most.

Anyway. I know this whole post is on the melodramatic side, but I needed to write this just because it feels right to share this story today. I’m still heart broken that such an amazing young talent is gone so soon, but I’m trying to use the impact he had on me to keep me going and to push me to be a better artist.

That said, the project I’ve been alluding to for the last week is, in fact, a Chekov series. I’m going to start posting it today, as a sort of tribute, but it’s going to be slow coming because, as I said, my brain stops every time he comes onto the page. It’s going to be a slow slog, but I’ve got to do this. For reasons.