#rickjoe

He could still feel the heart sinking feeling  .. But it  left as suddenly as it had came and so he  chose to ignore it ..

How bad can it get  ?

He had a feeling something bad was gonna happen .. Maybe his favourite vase would have to pay for his infamous clumsiness ..

Maybe the food would get burned again and he would sulk because his lover deserved better than that . Or maybe his boss would call and inform him that he had to go to work to replace one of the fellow workers ..

He had expected every single thing out there .. But definitely not that .. Not the telephone ringing in a menacing way ..  though ridiculous , the sound alone didn't seem to bode well for him .  The sickening feeling came back as he started approaching the telephone with heavy heart ..

“ Hello ? “ He had answered ,  hesitant as he started gripping the handle tightly .

“ B.. Byunghu.. “

Whoever was on the other line was a female , her voice cracking as she fought back the urge to burst into tears ..

Perhaps it was the shock preventing him from recognizing his own friend ..

Perhaps it was the fact she had called him from Changhyun’s workplace  , choking on her sobs .

He stood there , frozen , ignoring the lump in his throat as he processed her words .

His grip on the phone had loosened as soon as he heard it before finally dropping it altogether , only to follow it short after .

The last thing he recalls was everything spinning , light blinding him and shock spreading to every nook and cranny in his shuddering being . His heart rate had dropped along with his physique , too frail to take in such news .

                                                   ~ ♦ ~

At the middle of the night , he would wake up with a start . It was almost like his vision was alive , pulsating .  the beats reverberating about  , ceaseless and merciless , sent him to his knees in no time  .  He was wreaking havoc on himself by giving in to grief and he knew it . Nevertheless ,  he could do naught but  groan in pain as sharp ache surged through his being . He could do naught but survive .

swaying the covers away , he slowly made it out of bed heading towards the kitchen for a glass of water and sadly that meant a long walk , descending the stairs and basically a lot of movement .

He had staggered his way towards the railing and took a deep breath before proceeding only to slip down . A gasp choked its way out of his mouth as he gripped whatever was in vicinity for support .

The way he fell down should have resulted in certain death yet he was safely half-lying on the last steps ,  not even a scratch on his  face .  The only thing proving he had fallen was his memory of it and how laboured his breathing had become in shock .

Abruptly scanning his eyes everywhere in search as realization hit him ,  Byunghun called for his lover over and over again  “ Changhyun ??! Changhyun .. Are you here ? “

He could have sworn he felt the other’s presence ..  After all ,  nothing else would explain him surviving such fall . Besides ,  he could feel the gentle force holding him still in an attempt to lessen the impact of the fall .

His tone growing even more  desperate with each call ,  Byunghun ‘s face twisted in despair ,  longing and helplessness ..  

He could feel tears streaming down his face ,  lips quivering and body heating up  as different emotions welled up in his chest suddenly making the

air feel thick around him .

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

“ B.. Byunghu.. “ Her voice cracked as she sobbed along .

“ When we came here to leave Mina , C..Changhyun was resting on the chair , a peaceful expression on his face . We thought he was merely resting but then.. h.he didn't even b.budge when we tried to wake him up .. “

Byunghun’s body dropped into darkness .

There was a lot of noise around him , seemingly that of a woman gasping and crying . He could faintly recall a blinding light forcing him to look away . Was that .. the doctor using pen light to gauge a reaction from him ?

But soon enough everything went black again . His body was floating in a never ending maze of darkness . He couldn't respond to anything though , not the white noise of the people around him , not their touches , nothing  .

He could remember being offered a choice but recalled making none .

It was highly disturbing when he saw everything from a distance like it wasn't his own body . It was so random how every memory kept flashing before his eyes then he was pulled backwards in what seemed like a hyperspace of nothingness .

It had been a painfully long time before I strained my ears to a familiar melody . They told me that was the first time I showed any response ever since the comatose . My index twitched and against all odds , I suddenly felt  alive ! Like the first greedy breath of oxygen you get as soon as someone saves you from drowning .

The white noise no longer faded in , it grew stronger .

For the next day , I was caught in a delirium state during which I felt my awareness of real life slowly coming back .

It appears the one humming the melody was Changhyun’s mother which explains everything .

His mother used to lull him to sleep like that and he in turn did the same with me .

She probably knew nothing about it and started unconsciously humming it . Maybe she saw her son in me , maybe she wanted to protect the last remnant dear to her deceased son . I still recall her pleas as she asked for forgiveness . Changhyun’s parents were not completely against his sexual orientation yet they weren't that accepting either , unlike mine who ditched me as soon as they found out . Changhyun’s parents were awkward and rarely visited him but at least they still acknowledged him .

She was desperate regretting the days she spent without her son , without seeing his smile , without being part of his life and now he was gone .. I could still recall how her grip on me had tightened as she sobbed along . I was partially aware of her presence but still in a state of unrest , physically , mentally and emotionally .

They said I was healing but I was far from that . I had to go back home because Changhyun must be waiting .

I still recall how her moistened eyes gazed at mine in sympathy when I told them I had to go back home .

Home felt foreign .

I spent three days in a coma and woke up to being delusional refusing to accept the truth .  They couldn't wait for me and proceeded with the necessary measures , the funeral took place without my presence . Horrid , that’s the word . My brain had to shut down to protect me after all .  I guess it had started as agitated depression that soon transformed into a vegetative one . I had suffered an emotional overload in the first stage , feeling nausea and trembling as my body went limp . It was too overwhelming to the point I soon reached the limit , the possible capacity of emotions , stress and sadness making it turn to vegetative depression .

Instead of feeling too many conflicted emotions , I felt none , I responded to none .

Everything was a blank mess before my eyes .  Though I tried my best to function properly , my efforts were futile .

                                                 ~ ♦ ~

He had spent the rest of his days avoiding everyone , locked up in his and Changhyun’s house . The place where their memories had lingered like he didn't even care about healing  . There he sat preparing French salad ..  It was Changhyun’s favorite ..

As time passed by ,  he had started spacing out , eyes distant and plate appearing to be blurred as his mind focused on otherwise .  

“ Ah .. “

He winced finally aware he had cut himself . Watching as crimson leaked through his index flowing like a small river ,  Byunghun blinked weakly .  Any normal person would instinctively bring their fingers to their lips sucking on the cut to stop the bleeding .  

Byunghun though ,  kept staring blankly at his injured finger ,  it was quite a big cut , starting to sting soon after because of the citrus effect .

Drop

Drop

Drop

The seemingly heavy silence resumed its symphony as if wanting to share him some of  his pain , to make it feel better , just a little bit .  The drops of water hitting the sink served as a faint reminder he wasn't actually dead as did the cold breeze swaying softly , very soft as if knowing how fragile he had gotten .. And speaking of death ..

Byunghun was never suicidal and wouldn't start now . He couldn't do such thing . After all ,  his body wasn't his .  Ever since he fell in love with the younger , his being has been Changhyun’s ..  And since the said now rested in peace  , Byunghun deemed it as forbidden to subject his body to any harm . Something else ,  Byunghun and Changhyun were those kind of people who helped others at their toughest times .. They were both against suicidal actions ,  always doing their best to bring happiness to those around them .

Simply put ,  ending his life was not an option ,  out of picture .

However ,  it had gotten to a point where being alone  over thinking was starting to slowly suck the sanity out of him .

Hoping for some sort of a distraction , he had attempted - more than once - to go out . But the moment he did ,  he saw his lover everywhere .

Changhyun was there at the doorstep waiting for him , a cheerful smile etched on his face  like usual .  Byunghun couldn't even imagine going past the door for everything kept reminding him of his deceased lover .  He knew whatever he would do , see ,  hear ,  touch ,  feel and taste would only make him picture how it could have been like if the said was still present , sharing such moments with him .

                                                                                                    ~ ♦ ~

Flashback :  

Byunghun works in a cafe just next to a new toy shop .  However ,  it is not your average toy shop .  The owner was youthful and decided to change the concept of toy shops . His place was more like a nursery expect for the fact any age of children was allowed .  It was a place you could leave your child in without worrying about their well being.  

Changhyun would let the kids play video games , do   puzzles or have their own world playing with lego . sometimes  , he would arrange them all in what seemed like a dance class. That was by far the most enjoyable part for the kids.

They loved Changhyun and even grew reluctant to leave when their parents came to pick them up .  

Byunghun’s boss couldn't help but feel the need to look after Changhyun.  

The said toy shop owner was so polite and cheerful whenever he passed by the man’s restaurant.

It was also known that Changhyun had no fellow workers and ran the shop by himself to the point he   had little to no time to eat or even think about food.

That's when fate decided to  pull the strings . It didn't take long before Byunghun’s boss assigned him to be responsible for Changhyun’s meals.  

After all ,  that's what neighbours are for.  

Feeling extremely compassionate ,  the old man expected nothing in return for the meals but that didn't mean  Changhyun could accept it everyday without paying and so they reached a deal where Changhyun gets a remarkable  discount for the meals.  

Every time Byunghun saw the younger ,  he couldn't help but smile at the positive vibe radiating from Changhyun.  

No wonder everyone loved him .  He was truly adorable and admirable , always spreading happiness wherever he walked.  

As days went by ,  Byunghun witnessed the dance class given by Changhyun to the kids.  

He found himself  in awe at such sight.  Changhyun loved dancing ,  that much he could tell.  And dancing loved Changhyun.  

The younger was moving smoothly with grace , charisma and..  It was captivating.  

The usual teeth smile was now replaced by a dedicated and focused expression.  

It made Byunghun stop and wonder.  How in the world can the younger be downright cute yet so ..  sexy . Though he was teaching kids and  the dance was not provocative , Changhyun himself looked so appealing.  

He ran his fingers through jet black hair and sighed before  drawing air in,  sweat trickling down his temple ..

the way his chest  expanded and contracted had  Byunghun’s caught in a trance.  

Did Changhyun  always had those broad shoulders ?

The black  button up shirt hugged the younger’s muscles making him look drool - worthy.  

“ oh ! Byunghun.  “

Oh , shit !

Byunghun blinked as he heard his name and God knows how he fought the rush of blood to his face .  

Did Changhyun catch him staring ??  

He was too busy reprimanding himself to notice how cheerful Changhyun’s tone and expression had gotten at his arrival.  

“ um .. yea .  Here’s the meal.  “

He said nervously  all whilst putting the bag of the food on the office table .  

Changhyun ‘s steps sounded and Byunghun really wished his clumsiness would give him a break.  

“ Huyng ,  .. how about you stay and eat with me ? “

Eyes flying to meet the younger’s ,  Byunghun soon regretted it . Changhyun had flashed his puppy eyes making it impossible to refuse .  Not that Byungjun wanted to refuse ,  he just knew ..  the longer he stays ,  the more the chances of him ending up in a total disaster.  

He scratched his neck awkwardly readying his excuse but Changhyun spoke again.  

“ Oh ..  is it about work ? The boss needs you ?  “

The disappointment coating the younger’s tone made Byunghun frown.  

Okay..  he was well and truly trapped by Changhyun’s charms.

“ Er .. Actually , my boss really likes you so I’m sure he wouldn't mind.  But..  the meal only serves one- “

“ Yay !!! “

In no time ,  Changhyun had ignored the rest of the sentence and locked Byunghun in a bone crushing hug. And by that I mean literally squishing Byunghun’s already frail built .  

“ Changhyun oppa ~ “

A little girl came by separating the youthful couple  , on purpose or not ,  that wasn't clear.  

“ oppa ,  look ! ”

She beamed showing him her work ,  a  bracelet made of a kid set tools .  

“ Oh ,  sweety .  That's awesome ! “

He had kneeled down inspecting the bracelet as he praised the little girl making her giggle and peck his cheeks before handing him the bracelet .  

Byunghun stood behind the younger barely suppressing the urge to squeal.  

That was damn cute !!!

                                                ~ ♦ ~

“ Oppa ? Why aren’t you playing with us ? Are you sick ? “ A little girl looked at the owner with her doe-like eyes . She let her small fingers rest on his knees as he sat about his office table .

“ Eh ? No , Hani . I’m just ..thinking .. “

He chose his words carefully knowing she would ask him what he was thinking about .

“ Hm ? “ She tilted her head cutely urging him to talk further ..

He let out a sigh before reaching forward and placing her on his lap .

“ You see .. there’s this person . “

Nodding for him to go on , the girl looked like a relationship consultant .

“ I .. you know Byunghun hyung ? I think I really love him .. “

He had stated spacing out nearly forgetting he had a little girl on his lap .

“ I mean as a friend ! “ He exclaimed staring at her wide-eyed .

The girl blinked repeatedly before nodding . “ Of course . “

Throwing his weight back on the chair in relief , Changhyun sighed letting his eyes close for a while before she started talking .

“ So .. tell him you want to be best friends ! I’m sure he would accept it . “

That was Changhyun’s cue to open his eyes staring at the ceiling first before meeting her eyes .

“ What ? How are you sure ? “

“ Because Byunghun oppa looks so happy when he comes here . And if he didn’t like your company , he would have let anyone else hand you the meals . “

Stunned , to say the least , Changhyun processed the little girl’s words .

Surely she had a point ..

                                                 ~ ♦ ~

Changhyun finally decided to pluck up the courage and lead that conversation with Byunghun .  

They were having their meal as usual when the younger spoke up casually .

“ so  , hyung .. I haven’t seen you with anyone . Are you single ? “

The elder’s head shot up in what seemed like lightning speed before he gulped his food slowly and cleared his throat .

Changhyun stared intently as the said chuckled awkwardly .

“ Yea . It’s not like I have time to date . The girls keep hitting on me in the cafe but I pay them no heed . “

He shrugged playing with the fork totally immersed in the conversation .

“ Are you .. not into girls ? “

Byunghun gasped softly growing tense at the escalation . He knew nothing about Changhyun’s sexual orientation and didn't want to risk the other hating him .

“ I.. I’m not . “

He watched as Changhyun’s face turned from sheer curiosity to astonishment and then something else .. Relief ?

“ Wow ! that’s- Me too ! “  Changhyun stuttered cutting himself off as he wanted to say many things at once .

“ Why ? “ Byunghun leaned closer , encouraged by the unexpected twist of events .

“ Hm ? “

“ Why are you single ? “ Byunghun tired is best to make it sound innocent and casual and he hoped it turned out like that .

“Oh .. well , You can say I haven’t met the o- . No .  Actually , I have met the one  . “

Changhyun ‘s voice had a hint of playfulness in it , something new for Byunghun to notice .  But that wasn’t great . so Changhyun had his eyes on someone , ha ?

How laughable  .. He had to keep the conversation going or else it would seem suspicious .

“ Really ? Where is he ? “ Byunghun asked in what he hoped to be excitement rather than disappointment . He couldn’t risk losing Changhyun .

The younger though , had his lips in what seemed like a smirk . A smirk  ? Changhyun ? No . No way . He must be imagining things .

“ In front of me ~  “ Changhyun voiced in a teasing tone making Byunghun freeze before looking behind him then back to the office table . Maybe there sat a picture frame atop the table .

Surely he didn’t mean -

A chuckle sounded before Changhyun reached forward and caressed Byunghun’s hand .

“ It’s you ! “

The elder parted his lips in astonishment as he stared at their hands then back to Changhyun who covered his face with the other hand .

Oh , God ! He did ..

                                              ~ ♦ ~

Hands on his mouth , Byunghun drowned himself in their memories , fully aware of the stinging sensation spreading from his eyes to his whole being . His body started convulsing , unable to take it any more .

His hands moved to cover his trembling eyelids , they were shaking like everything like else around him .

And suddenly he was gasping for his breath clutching his chest before he found himself on the floor , the white ceiling greeting him .

Weakly , his eyes blinked before he willed himself to move back to the bed again .

The sheets , the scent , the warmth .

He had succumbed to sleep unaware it would be the eternal one . He let his eyelids fall down like the curtain fall announcing the closure of a play .