#rgf's rants

last day of sophomore year for me today and we have the biggest exams our country can offer in about 2 weeks. today was the one and only day in the history of days where we wouldnt be pressurized about scoring high marks to upgrade our school’s rep, to work hard! work till you die! any less is not acceptable! you are all young and have a brain inside your head! use it to its fullest extent! and then use it some more!

so anyway, it was supposed to be 4 hours free from that. the teachers all asked our parents for baby pics (if we wanted to share them) and put together a slide show and gave us personalized gifts and let us click pictures with friends bc most of them are leaving next year. mental health of students has been at an all time low, and this was like a good luck thing from our school. and they even took the entire grade out to this fancy lunch (our school lunch is wet sewage soaked spinach and bread crumbs on a good day). and overall i heard it was really fun.

i didnt get to go. the thing is. i am your anxiety ridden “gifted kid” who has never scored below 95% ever in my entire life. at 16 comes the burnout phase though and suddenly youre not smart anymore. youre not living upto your potential, youre lazy, and lack discipline. 

i have had a physically as well as mentally challenging year. some previous rants may have mentioned this but i missed out on my soccer teams national level match. i havent touched a football all year. and its something i deeply love. i’ll overlook even that. ive had a physical disability for more than an year. okay. thats fine. i got diagnosed with hashimoto’s disease. the symptoms were hard on me. mentally i was ruined. i did not know how to deal with it, still don’t. when you live in a country like mine mental health is a myth and therapy is brainwashing. asian parents want one thing and one thing only which is for you to be successful

and mother, how do i do that when all my time is spent either in giving blood tests (i have a phobia of needles), in rehab, in physiotherapy, in tuitions, in hospitals, at doctor’s clinics, etc etc etc.

and the shit that goes on at home ids a whole other thing. my house feels like a prison most of the time. i needed to go today. to let out a breath. to just get a break. just one day. thats all i needed. and i scored poorly last exams season (read: 2 days ago). got 80% or above in all subjects. i was not so dissapointed because i knew it wasnt the end of the world. i’m sure my family would understand.

oh boy was i in for a surprise. it was, infact, the end of the world. my mom trampled on the ounce of hope i had left in my chest that maybe i wasnt worthless after all. it becomes impossible to keep reminding yourself that your self worth isnt tied to grades, there superficial numbers are not a measure of your intelligence, i need to identify toxic environments and leave them. 

i had the worst day yesterday and today i couldnt stop crying. this goes beyond just fomo. it goes beyond me shedding tears when my classmates tell me they missed me today. i didn;t think it would matter to anyone if i showed up or not. but it did. and i felt so relieved yet bittersweet at the same time. this day was priceless to me. i wanted to be there with my friends in school. this was the first time in 16 years i made friends in school who i could actually be myself with. im still really bad at this friends thing and communication is hopeless for me outside school. but i got out of my shell. i talked to people. it was hard af but i did and i was so proud of that. now these are also people i will not see ever again except for maybe the exams.