#a brain dump

A brain dump is a way of externalizing everything your brain is struggling to hold onto so that it can focus on doing what it’s really built for: solving problems and coming up with new ideas. So, at the beginning of your workweek and each day, do yourself a favor and write down these tasks so that you don’t need to waste energy trying to keep track of what still needs to be done. This simple but…

I don’t remember what happiness feels like anymore??? I remember that happiness to me, was just being in the presence of someone who I call my friend. To me, it was always getting to spend time with a friend who I thought was amazing and getting to see them smile when they talk about something they love, and then they show me their artwork and their face lights up and I say that its cool because I think its genuinely amazing and they give another little smile which they try to hide and then they go on rants about the thing they made and I feel so proud of them for accomplishing what they have and I want to tell them how wonderful every aspect of their personality is and just how happy I am that they exist in my life but often times I dont say anything because I dont want to overwhelm them or whatever and seeing them be happy just fills me with so much joy and we talk about the things we’ve been doing and then we look at dumb shit we found on the internet and maybe play some games and then joke around and honestly thats all I really want in life…I know now, that one of my favorite things in this world is just getting to see amazing people be passionate and happy about something. Being in the presence of a someone whom I admire is truely what keeps me going.

But it doesn’t seem to matter anymore… friends don’t feel so real anymore. Everyone seems so far away even when they are still right there in my life. Even if they say hi to me, even if I talk to them, they just don’t seem to have the same meaning that they once did. Everything that I once made me felt connected with people is fading…and I question if they ever were my friends to begin with. Maybe they all just pity me, and they know how much of a human failure I really am but they are too nice to say goodbye. Maybe some of them relate to me, being a mess of a human, so they like that relatable aspect of me but not anything else. Maybe some of them still keep me around in their life because I make them feel better about themself. Either way, I am lost in my understanding of who actually values me. I wish I knew who actually wants to spend time with me because they feel glad that Im in their life. And then I remember again the kind of friend that I am… and everything feels fake again. I often wonder what I actually being forth to a friendship. There really isn’t much at all. I’m terrible at expressing my thoughts and feelings, my opinions and comments always get tangled up in my head to the point where when I try to share them it just sounds like gibberish so that person is then confused and possibly annoyed, I’m way too forgetful and if I knew any fact about the person or facts of another sort I probably won’t remember it anymore at the second I’m asked about it and I’ll just seem like a complete idiot, and I can’t even property talk about the stuff I like because I get all nervous and fuck up everything I was going to say, l Ill be totally oblivious to something a person said to me at one point and I may accidentally do something mean and not even realize it, and I’m either way too noisy or way too quiet, Ill get too emotional when noone wants to hear it, or my depressing statements will completely ruin everyone’s mood, and my physical behaviors just don’t make sense sometimes, i’ll fuck up a simple task that someone wants me to do, and I’m just plain stupid… I am annoying, unusual and hard to understand, I’m high-maintinance, and just plain tiring. So why the fuck would anyone want to be friends with me???? And it just doesnt feel like anyone is. No one really cares anymore. Its not like loosing me is a big deal.