I'm gonna get real personal and emotional and talk about death but I don't have anywhere else to share this and no one will read it anyway.
Let's start from the beginning or where the beginning of my guilt lies. It's a timeline that I have ingrained in my mind and I think about it a lot. When i graduated high school i mostly stopped talking to my friends, I was horribly depressed and barely showed up to school so I didnt see this as being much different with my distance. I wanted to start over and either heal and become new or fully self destruct I hadn't really decided. Fast forward a year. I just finished freshman year of college and was still mostly existing not really healing properly but not any worse than before. My communication with my friends was almost non existent other than interactions on tumblr and occasionally sending each other memes and such. Fast forward about 2 months to june, I got a message from a girl I knew sending me the go find me for my friends funeral costs. Kirstie had died a few days earlier in a freak accident on the lake. My friend is dead and I hadn't really talked to her in a year. I have felt so guilty since then. I think about this almost every day. I wasted a year and now I can't laugh with someone who was my best friend for so many years. The guilt is overwhelming sometimes and no one can really understand. I cant get into more right now because it hurts too much. Fast forward almost a year, it should be her 20th birthday. I visited her and talked and cried and apologized for everything, it started to rain and it's like I could tell she heard me. Fast forward a few months and my bestfriend is home from California we visited kirstie together and sat and cried in silence, it was peaceful. Fast forward to today, last night I had a dream about kirstie, not the first time and probably not the last time. In my dream I went to visit her and she was actually there waiting for me, and we just sat and talked. I told her about the guilt and apologized and told her just how much I missed her and she understood and maybe even forgave me for leaving everyone behind. And today is the first day that I can say her name and feel not quite so guilty and maybe even a little bit healed from these past 2 years. And as much as it hurts things do feel a little better.
