linger
𝐊𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐚𝐭𝐨 𝐀𝐲𝐚𝐭𝐨 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫
an arranged marriage with a man you foolishly fall for in a convenient relationship and whom you refuse to admire after learning a harsh lesson you can never forget. However, he is now stuck with feelings he could not admit to himself.
𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐬 sfw. marriage of convenience. angsty(?). unrequited love. one sided. slow-paced. slight yearning. denial. implied mention of pregnancy
𝐰𝐜 4.5k
𝐚/𝐧 pardon my grammar pls english is not my first language and this is terribly ooc, read at your own risk! (pls i tried my best to write him as he is but he keeps on writing himself!! °^° ) There are Japanese terms, I'm not sure if i used it right but i definitely did my best to do so.
Lately, the Kamisato estate was quiet—too quiet for your liking. You stride towards the room you forbid yourself a year ago. Your body moving as if it has its own thoughts, disregarding the promise you breath to yourself almost everyday. Your soft steps, along with your tabi that fit perfectly to your feet, made a subtle sound from the wooden floor as it echoed in the empty hallway. With few more steps, you reached your destination.
You took a deep breath, smoothing the blimeshes of your kimono before digging your fingers into the hikite— sliding the fusuma to the side without asking for any permission to do so. The sliding door completely opened, earning a light thud from the impact of the wooden frame. Inside the room, a weary atmosphere seeps from the presence in front of you.
A group of individuals gathered, presenting themselves to the Master of this estate whom sits on the front desk.
You remained standing, waiting for them to sense your arrival. The others raised their voice desperately, some tried to explain calmly— too focused and heated to even know you were there. A loud sigh can be heard beyond the crowd, silencing the arguments with the sheer authority of it. The man in front placed their elbow on the desk, hands supporting his tired head.
For a painstaking second, behind the group, pair of lavender eyes—beautiful lavender eyes met yours. And for that single moment you felt the intense gravity of his gaze. You blinked, urgently cutting the connection.
The group of individuals followed his eyes and see you standing firmly in the entrance. They cleared their throat and started fixing their stiff and stressed postures.
"Ah… My Lady, we apologized for the unruly sight." A seemingly middle-aged man wearing glasses, drapped in a dark greenish-grey kimono bowed in front of you as the others followed suit.
You lightly smiled at their acknowledgement— ignoring the creepy feeling of eyes following your every movement.
"I hope I'am not interupting a direly important meeting." You said as you slowly moved your eyes to meet his as if daring and testing the waters. He didn't move from his seat nor scoffed at the sound of your voice. He stared—observing the scene you are playing with a undoubtedly tired yet unreadable look.
"W-well… You see, My lady, it is quite an important meeting actu-" A young lady with short hair wearing a light green uniform spoke up but was quickly nudged by the person next to her.
You plastered a gentle smile, it was rehearsed, an act… a smile that lack genuinity; established from countless social events. It was a mask you skillfully rendered from the desperate need to hide your emotions.
"Would you all be so kind to give me and my hus…" You stopped for a moment, realizing the mistake you almost commit. "… me and the clan head some moment alone?".
They all looked at each other—hesitant, before admitting defeat with a subtle sigh.
"Of course, My lady." They bowed once again and unhurriedly made their way outside the room. You gently moved to the side to give them enough space for exit, you stood there and watched their retreating forms—releasing the controlled breath you didn't know you were holding after the soft sound of the sliding door shutting. You didn't spare him a glance and glued your eyes to the fusuma, the sliding door becomes interesting all of the sudden.
Quietness settled uncomfortably between you and him. The room remained still, unmoving from the awkwardness that is painfully obvious.
He didn't move as well, his gaze lingered and silent as if scared to disturb the thick and heavy air.
Your fingers desperately fiddled with the smooth fabric of your kimono. Your nails—in a hushed manner, clung to the threads skillfully sewn together. It was a hopeless attempt to ease the panic arising within you.
A dry cough erupted from your throat and finally brought yourself to face him.
Him.
The master of this estate.
The head of this clan.
The Yashiro commissioner.
Your… husband.
Kamisato Ayato.
A man filled with responsibilities, his back bearing countless duties that seems endless. Despite of it all, he was a man with a calm yet sharp mind. A man whose words felt gentle like the hues of blooming cherry blossoms but powerful like the raging thunders in the skies of Tatarasuna.
He was someone deemed impressive—a young master whose intelligence surpasses any of his political enemies. He was the perfect candidate to bear the burdens of the Kamisato clan. He was born to carry it, to shoulder the hardship it may bring.
However, a perfect heir he is—he could never dare himself to sacrifice the clan's future for a mere emotion he so earnestly avoid.
Love, oh what a lovely word to waste for a man who couldn't give it back to you.
You're aware of it, that you couldn't plant this to a marriage binded for the sake of power. For the sole purpose of their so-called "peace" between clans. A decision you have no right to put your own words to the table but to accept the fate handed to you by men greedily seeking power and influence.
You know that this marriage was just out of convenience, that it was no more else than an agreement settled on papers.
Yet… you foolishly hoped. That maybe—just maybe, you can find affection within the bounds of this marriage.
What's more foolish and laughable was the fact that your stupid heart fell for a man more sturdy than any stone wall.
Kamisato Ayato was truly someone that can make any woman smitten with him. His existence was greedy enough to enrupt the hearts of most of the women in Inazuma.
His charms works wonders but remains a mystery you couldn't put your finger on. He was gentle with impeccable manners, his looks striking and dashing. His voice handsome compared to any other men.
And that birthmark beneath the left side of his lips elevated his already exemplary face.
You didn't know when you began to fall for him, your feelings for him just became more bare and known. It became noticeable in acts you couldn't stop yourself from doing. You cared, you became conscious, and became more restless in nights he wasn't home.
Your nervous system screamed to love him.
You knew that somewhere in the depths of your heart hoped for him to acknowledge those. It started in simple service such as personally preparing his meals and eagerly delivering it to his office. Your smile would reach your ears and greet him with stubborn feelings attached.
You would tend for his clothing, accompany his sister, care for all of his needs and take care of his well-being.
You held your ground properly during festivals, during polital talks, during meetings you desperately despise—all of it for the sake of him conceding to your affection.
It was a cycle you found yourself starting to develop, a paradigm you foolishly can't escape.
alas, were you too much for a man so cold and unromantic?
You securely held the warm porridge on the hakozen as you walked towards Ayato's office. The path was familiar, etched in your memories and memorized like the back of your hands.
You gently pried open the sliding door and entered quietly. Ayato stayed busy on his table, his hands drifting from one document to another as the sound of flipping papers echoes in the room. He slightly raised his head from the sound of your entrance, his eyes darted to your form and to the food you prepared. He then closed his eyes and returned to the stacks of paper on his table.
Carefully, you placed the hakozen in front of his table as you sat next to it. You hesitated for a moment before muttering your thoughts.
"Dear…Ayato, you are not getting enough rest these days. Perhaps you should take this opportunity to relax." You voiced softly.
Stubbornly, Ayato didn't say anything. His mind stuck on the document he's currently reading. The porridge steamed, its warmth reaching the side of your cheeks. You looked down on it.
"I made you something warm and light tonight, in hopes it will fill your stomach at the very least." You said while smiling, staring at the porridge's swaying steams—slowly fading and leaving the porridge grow cold. Your stomach unconsciously churned at the sight.
The office was hushed, occupied by only the soft sound of scribbling. And for a moment, Ayato finally spoke.
"Thank you for… your consideration." He paused and arranged the stacks of paper on his table.
"…However, it won't be necessary. I have to finish this till daytime. Eating will delay my schedule so I won't eat." He said while releasing a heavy sigh, his head didn't even move an inch to meet you and continued his paperworks.
You were silent for seconds, habitly fiddling with the hem of your kimono. Your fingers dug into the fabric as you bit the insides of your cheeks. It stung, you can taste the blood in your mouth, but it was certainly soothing something you didn't know where hurts.
You swallowed the forming pool of saliva in your throat before finding the courage to speak.
"Your well-being is non-negotiable, Ayato."
He maneuvered his eyes to meet yours, his fingers that was once busy came into a halt as he poured his attention to you. His face is of that of a surprise, bewildered by your proclimation.
"…"
"I've prepared something for you, I would appreciate it if you find the time to at least eat. Moreover, it's for your health."
Ayato looked at you dumbfoundend for a moment before tiredly putting down the fude and unleashed a breath of fatigue. He fixed his posture as he looked at you, silently giving non-verbal consent to place the porridge on his table.
Without hesitation, you moved to prepare the porridge to him. The bowl hitting the wooden surface of Ayato's table, earning a light thud. You then moved to sit next to his table, gracefully folding your feet as you held your place. You looked at him, watching for any sight of contempt or slight disgust to your food.
There was no change in his expression, no wrinkles, no squint, no smiles…
He simply took a mouthful of the porridge—succumbing to the silent atmosphere. He was not eating too fast nor eating to slow, he remained someone you can't read and whose emotions you can't decipher.
You mentally celebrated making him eat what you prepared. After so many days he have been skipping meals, you remained restless. Relief washed over you after he took another mouthful of it, your face failing to hide the ease you felt.
Ayato briefly glanced at you, before going back to eat the porridge. The room was incredibly awkward, the silence was accompanied by the sole sound of him eating.
"Dear… I hope the festivities will go smoothly." You hopelessly murmured, the first word faltered in your tounge as you fiddled with your kimono. Ayato swallowed the porridge before sighing.
"I hope so…" He replied and the conversation died right there and then. His tone was not cold nor it was warm either.
You scarcely thought of topics to converse but to no avail he's not someone you can be overly affectionate. It's been months ever since the both of you got married and yet he stayed a stranger in your eyes.
The bowl that was once full of porridge is now halved by Ayato's appetite.
"How is Ayaka these days?" His voice suddenly stirred the silent room.
"Our relationship have improved so far, we just had tea yesterday, talking mindlessly of certain things." You smiled as you looked at him—meeting those lavender eyes. It stared back to you, neither lightened or dimmed.
"I see, that's good." He said while picking up a spoonful of porridge again and continued. "What did you both talked about?"
You were slightly taken back by his sudden curiosity. Days would fly by without even a pinch of his interest, you thought that perhaps he's having a change of heart and your mind foolishly read unto it more than what he truly meant.
"Hmm, the estate, the weather, Thoma's embarrassing moments…" you paused, seconds ticked for a while.
"…and children."
Ayato stopped eating, his fingers ceased from reaching the porridge and slowly maneuvered his head to peer at you. Surely, there's nothing wrong with two woman talking about little ones but Ayato seem so curious about it despite of it.
He cleared his throat before finding the confidence to ask.
"What do you think of them? Of children, I mean."
"Well, I believe they are endearing…" your face softened as you absentmindedly moved your fingers to caress your stomach as though imagining something.
"…and hoped to have one myself." You beamed, facing him in hopes to let your intentions to be known.
But facing him was something you deeply regretted.
Ayato's face contorted, brows furrowed and devoid of his usual gentleness. His lips shut tight, straightened into a line. His gaze was not of anger nor it was of dissapointment. but at this point, you are not sure what it was.
He wiped his lips that was stained by the porridge with his palm without any regard of etiquette and slightly pushed the bowl away.
"I… had enough." he said.
"You… you have not even finished it yet." Your voice quavered, it trembles at the slightest pitch making your predicament quite obvious. Your hold to the hem of your kimono tightened as panic somehow arises within.
Ayato ran a hand over his face, eager to brush the matter aside.
"I'm full. You can take it and leave now."
"What…?"
"Also, there's no need for you to personally prepare and deliver my meals. Thoma can do it himself." Ayato let his shoulders drop and looked away from you, quickly moving his attention to the stack of papers upon his table. His profile promptly regained composure as if you were only imagining what just saw.
"What? Is there something wrong with the porridge?" You breathe disbelief.
"No, it is simply not to my taste." He uttered dismissively.
In that moment, you feel the heavy incrudelity—its weight dragging down your already fragile heart. You looked at him eagerly.
"You were just eating it fine earlier!" Your voice hardened, tempted to snap if not because of your patience.
Ayato on the other hand felt the immense pressure of your words. He truly can't understand what he is feeling. It's as if he is hanging on a thin rope of being utterly confused and scared of something he couldn't pinpoint.
"Do you not get it? Must I explain it further?" His voice pierced sharply.
"Are you implying that I'm an idiot who can't understand something so… obvious for you?" You replied, your voice laced with thinning tension.
"You are twisting my words."
You quickly stood from your seat. Your stance open and frustration seeps from you. He followed your movement, watching you from below.
"This is about what I just said earlier, isn't it?"
You found yourself glaring at him and you never expected you would ever do.
"I…don't know what you are talking about. I simply said it is not to my taste." He returned your gaze with patience running thin.
"Just say you don't like it! Why do you always have to twist and manipulate your words?!"
"You are making a big deal out of this." He continued.
You scoffed loudly. He looked frustrated, yes, but the fact he's not bursting makes your blood boil. It's as if it seems you're only overreacting.
"Why did you even eat it if you don't like it? I wouldn't offer it to you in the first place if it's "not to your taste""
Ayato completely snapped and slammed his right hand to the table. Fighting himself, hoping to collect his senses.
"You insisted it! I was being polite. Now I am starting to regret that I did!"
You gasped, the heavy air suddenly shifted and formed an irreversible consequence. You couldn't help yourself fuming as the countless surpressed emotions bursting uncontrollable.
"This is because I mentioned my desire to have children, isn't it?"
He looked at you for a moment before grunting, rubbing his temples to ease his headache.
"I have not said such a thing."
"No! But you acted like this because of it!" You exclaimed, your voice came with no tremble nor hesitation. It was hard, overwhelming—tired and frustrated.
Ayato sat stiff on his seat like a statue. Your words shook him and petrified him at the same time. He was heated earlier but now he is unmoving and scared to even breathe.
A shrieking and noisy ringing pierced his ears, invading his spiraling thoughts. It took him moments to gather his wrecked mind until you looked at him through shattered rose-tinted glasses.
You stood dumbfoundend as if you just discovered something that was already painfully obvious. Of something that was already laid bare for you to digest and yet you still looked and craved for something else. You stared at him, of him silent from the sheer confrontation.
Of course, who would want to bed a woman who only served as a pawn to a man's board.
"I never thought that the mere mention of children will disgust you…" you took the initiative to break the silence, accompanied by a descending confidence. Your tone heavy, laced with indescribable grief. You couldn't bring yourself to even look at him, two pair of eyes glued to the sight of your feet.
Tears tempted to pour as you squint your eyes to prevent its eagerness to glide down your cheek. You bit your lips hard to muffle the sob daring leave your mouth.
Ayato looked at you, his eyes widden and a sudden pang hit his chest at the view plastered upon him. Somewhere beneath his ribs aches, he reached for it but he couldn't scratch the feeling off.
"No… I- mean-" He tried to reach for you, his hands desperately hanging in the air; but he was seconds late until you cut him off.
"I do not wish to waste any of your time. As you ordered, I'll surely infom Thoma about it." Your voice came steady and you didn't shrink back in sadness. You swiftly took the bowl on his table before looking at him dead in the eye.
"I am sure not to offer you anything unpleasant in the future. I shall take my leave." You bowed in front of him. Your back bent and unwavering with your intentions. Ayato was dead silent, his hands retreating and fingers curling into a fist as he watched our leaving form. He kept his eyes on the fusuma gliding shut.
His lips unconsciously agape, making space to release the breath he is holding. A harsh and killing headache intruded him. The pain was fast and cruel but he still hopelessly think of you, he is not sure if the thought of you were causing his headache or if it is the hunger and fatigue eating him alive. Perhaps both.
He was stressed because of his paperwork and yet he added fuel to the fire and made everything worse. The deadlines are near and now the boundary and your relationship with him is dead.
He rested his head with both of his hands on the table, silently cursing to himself. It was rather out of character of him— he was known as a composed gentleman and yet crumbling from a mere argument or quarell.
Minutes later, the sound of the sliding door opening startled him. He jerked from his seat as his eyes widened in surprise, quickly looking upon the fusuma. He was anxious, expecting your face to appear for even a second. But he was more heartbroken to see his younger sister scowling at him. Ayaka stared at him, eyes burning with anger. It was stern, as if it is about to nag him with her gaze alone.
"I believe I don't have to tell my foolish of a brother what he just did." she started, slowly walking towards him.
Ayato can only sigh both in relief and frustration.
Seconds, minutes, and days have passed ever since your last visit to Ayato's office. The guilt was burning him alive, gnawing at every fiber of his skin— it was a brutal punishment he can never escape. He couldn't even find the time to look for you, his duties pulling him away from any human interaction. What's worse is that whenever he is alone in his office, his thoughts will fly high towards that night. Occasionally, he would lightly slap his head whenever he think of it.
He would discretely ask Thoma about you, shyly making it silent as possible. Thoma would simply just tell him you are in your room or you are tending to your personal matters and whatnot. Thoma would find himself smilling and grinning from the fact the Yashiro commissioner being overly concerned ever since that night.
You on the other hand refuses to even see a strand of his hair. You stayed in your room for a few days, setting your mind straight. Ayaka would now and then visit you, taking care of your well-being at the best of her ability but still gives you space whenever she feels you still need time. She was rather understanding and sweet the whole time.
You only smiled at the big difference between the two sibling as you shook your head, trying to forget unpleasant memories.
The festival arranged by the Kamisato estate finally passed without any mishap. The night were filled with lights, illuminating the moonless sky. Kids were playing, running around the streets and laughing along the festivities. The stalls are standing tall with fervor— foods plastered on layers and layers of tables side by side. Inazuma that night smelled like enthusiam, crammed by people enjoying the events.
Ayato stood near the window of his bedroom, leaning against the frame. He stared at the lively and glowing city from afar, seeing the blooming success of his hardwork. However, the longer he looked at the festival, the longer his thoughts linger— haunting him to the bone.
It's been weeks ever since he last saw you or rather, be drunk in the sight of you. He remembers that you used to attend festivals he hosted and arranged. You would always do but today is an exception, he guessed.
The festival was a success but at what cost?
No… the citizens are happy, he convinced himself there's no need to be concerned with a single person's happiness. Right, of course.
How stubborn indeed.
He scoffed as he gazed towards the stars—flickering despite the dark sky. His heart shudders, it was impossible but he swears he felt it. He is the clan head thus he should act like one.
"How troublesome…"
A heavy silence erupted in the room as you both held gazes. It was suffocating and intense as if it's a challange that no surrender will ever happen. You faced him somber before breaking the awkward atmosphere.
"Thoma has come to me…" You muttered against the growing cold room.
"…and what of it?" He said sarcastically as he fixed his slightly slumping posture.
You rolled your eyes and folded your arms. Returning his sarcastic look as though what your intention is not already obvious.
"Your housekeeper was speaking to me out of concern, telling me his master was being unreasonable and refuses to eat." You scoffed loudly, making it apparent that talking to him is draining your whole energy.
It took a lot of time before he was able to respond—eyeing your whole form. It's been so long since you both have seen each other and yet both of you are already on each other's throat.
And despite of that, Ayato privately indulged himself with your presence. His heart burning, beating too much from excitement. He was both frustrated and flustered as his breathing fails him, staggering between seconds. His eyes falling to your plump lips, bending along the curve of your pout… or scorn(?). Then to your eyes behind the layer of your lashes. Staring down at him with passionate dislike.
"Ahh…that." His voice came uninterested, making you more frustrated.
"Do you plan to starve? Beggars are more healthier than you at this point."
"I am simply busy with my duties." He sighed, looking at his messy table before looking back to you.
You glanced at him in disbelief, stunned to witness pure idiocrasy in front of you.
"You do know that you can't do your so-called duties once you're sick either way, right?" You unfolded your arms as you let your left hand rest on your waist.
Ayato hummed in response, his gaze fixated upon you. For a second, an idea struck him making him shiver in anxiety and excitement.
Sensing that he is taking his time before replying, you took matters in your hands and hastily moved towards the sliding door.
"Then starve." You proclaimed, facing your back to him. Seeing that you are about to leave, he quickly opened his mouth.
"On the second thought, I'm quite craving something." His voice suddenly cutting through, making you stop in your tracks.
You turned to gawk at him, your face contorting to a questioning look. Ayato can't identify whether it is sarcasm or it is just the way you are. Nevertheless, he's relieved you stopped.
"Porridge."
"…"
You were silent, stuck and unmoving from where you are standing. You looked at him properly this time. Your eyes somehow—slightly softening. It's not even his favourite food nor it is even going to make him full and yet…
"Warm porridge. I'm craving porridge." He repeated. His gaze stern, purposeful, and etched with feelings you can not understand or dare to even guess.
Ayato didn't place his eyes anywhere else but to yours. He held it firmly as if it is trying to tell you something his cowardly mouth could never say. Striving against his apprehenssion and fears. He unconsciously swallowed whatever shame he have in his throat, leaving you quite stunned at the sudden situation.
If Ayato was stubborn, somewhere—something deep in you was the same.
You shook the looming thoughts and your dwellings that is trying to burry you alive. You stopped hoping. It is no use. It is just your delusions pulling you away from reality.
"I will tell Thoma right away." You said, monotone and with emotions that was long discarded.
You abruptly left, afraid of what could possibly happen if you did not. Your feet anxiously stomping in the hallways.
Ayato, despite of not getting the expression he hoped, stared at the fusuma for a long time after you left. Foolishly anticipating that you would come back and say that you will prepare what he is craving instead.
Of course, you would not. He was far too late to expect the same exact treatment a year ago.
He exhaled, his breath coming out hot from dissapointment. He combed his hair as he closed his eyes to relax his eyelids that are slowly growing heavy. Amidst the silence of the room, his stomach growled hungrily which annoyed him even more.
"How troublesome…"
𝐚/𝐧 i might rewrite this because i have not reread it yet but i can't wait to release it RAHHH!! anyways thank you for readin' ꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡
