Feb 13
Chronic loneliness
Shadow by The Hellp
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Chronic loneliness
Shadow by The Hellp
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Black velvet
This response on Quora
One of the worst parts of depression is that it looks like laziness. Yes I’m lying in bed for hours. Yes I’m struggling to do something simple asked of me days ago. Yes I take my sweet time to do everyday activities. Consider: it’s difficult to eat, drink, and sleep too. Consider: I don’t want to be this way. I crave to have the willpower everyone else seemingly has. It’s exhausting to cry dehydrated. Did you know that? Did you know it really hurts to see your life potential suffocate because it’s hard to do anything at all?
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I think I’m a sucker for characters or things that were hurt and left unhealed for a long time until someone takes it upon themselves to make up for as much of that lost time as possible. Maybe it means nothing.
Man the double edged sword of: “I’m going to ask people I care about to reach out because I love when they do” with “Uh oh, this means they’re investing more time and energy into interacting with me, and my performance better be worth it. I’m not a guaranteed hit and, while I try to be the best of myself, sometimes I’ll fail and I’ve wasted someone’s time.”
I’ve noticed that the more isolated I am with no immediate access to company, the more secure I feel. I stop worrying so much about doing something annoying or strange because it’s less likely to happen. If I have an outlet for social closeness, I feel my soul crunch in on me as I resist yet often slip repetition, awkwardness, and placeless confidence through a keyhole clearly meant to accompanied by many others. It’s a poisonous feeling recognizing you’ve made someone your only friend. Especially knowing I’m not an easy person to accommodate.
A history of loneliness and chronic pain are the weights my company put on an interaction. I try to compensate to hide their presence, but sometimes my strength fails. If connection is out of reach, it means I don’t have to test my stamina. I can be in pain without a captive, weary, repeat audience. It’s a relief to me to not subject anyone to myself. Which is why it’s nice when I don’t have a chance.
If I have an easy, accessible chance to personally connect, I seem to reach for it even if I’ve done so recently. I do think I’m better off alone. But specifically, I think I’ll be best when I learn how to limit my presence anywhere. I’ve made good progress. Just need more work.