#resistmanipulators

And in the absence of real political conviction, they'll just choose the most opportunistic program, do their show and seduce their electors.

And I injected some politics/economics in the mix...

"Well, son, the division has us distribute the same amount of money among people. It's a mathematical utopia. Unfettered capitalism, on the other hand, lets one greedy villain have it all and despise others from his new wealth height!".

Be safe ❤

The work of Miss Austen is especially fascinating for the psychological description she paints of the "good" society of her time. With a precise, cutting, humorous and cynical brush.

Of course, when I first discovered this author, I loved her for the romance and Mr Darcy, but now that this coronavirus has me reread my books, I also re-discovered "Persuasion" with a new eye and have been struck by all the negative characters in this story.

The goodhearted people are an absolute minority and I find here a confirmation about my estimation on the current "elite". Who I believe to be composed by an horrific majority of negative people, more than three quarters.

The summit of the hierarchical pyramid hasn't changed its essence, it would seem. Only its appearance.

And to come back to this book, with a few exceptions, quite all the characters of the story can be credited with obscure and sneaky intentions.

The culture of the time, which gave a woman no other mean of survival than get herself the richest husband possible, being the prettiest and the most vapid, did in fact, favour superficiality and cunning.

Also, the abyssal vacuum in people, thinking doing nothing more of their time than putting new clothes on five times a day, added to their conviction that being well born was paramount could enable monstrous egos to revolve around one's navel. In perpetuity.

It's quite a miracle, then, that we could escape this moral abomination.

As for this book, as I won't be describing the too numerous disagreeable characters, I'd like to describe three archetypes, that could illustrate my own classification of negative people. First, there is the father and the oldest sister of the heroine, Sir Walter Elliot ans Miss Elizabeth Elliot. They are introduced, at the beginning of the book, as the absolute worst in the heroine's life but they are, in fact, no more that horrid selfish people. There is no manipulation in these two, so exclusively occupied at loving and pleasing themselves, telling whatever goes through their head. As they make no effort to be agreeable to others, the fact that they don't care for the heroine is clear to everyone, herself included. And it would be easy to loath them but the selfish person is the least dangerous among the negative profiles. As they don't wear any mask, we aren't fooled about the goods. Its the selfish person, on the contrary, that could get manipulated by meaner people : and it is precisely the case in this book.

In a more negative category, you have the other sister of the heroine, a Mrs Mary Musgrove, which is the name she got after her marriage. At first, the heroine declares she prefers the way this sister treats her, as an useful object or a servant : she finds it more gratifying. But I beg to differ. And you have here the faulty and classical reasoning of your typical good person, always happy to be useful, always in danger of becoming the handy saviour of everyone, except herself. Distributing empathy, love and affection, forgetting to take care of herself. And being abused in return. This isn't at all healthy. So this sister, an obvious narcissist, with a poor cleverness, is always wailing and playing the victim to have others do exactly what she wants. And gets it, most of the time. People in these days were so polite and respectful of manners... She always wants to be the centre of everybody's attention and sees everything through the prism of her own advantage. And if the heroine finds in this sister the ephemeral pleasure of being of some use, she would, without any other interference, have finished her life being the unpaid servant, little more than a slave, in someone else's hoe, raising her nieces and nephews, entertaining the family, with Hartshorn at the ready for an ever swooning sister.

There is also a psychopath in this book. Well, there is at least one, as I suspect more but this one is clearly denounced as one: William Elliot, the heir of the heroine's father. He is known at the end of the story as cold-hearted, ruthless and manipulative. Along the way, he was already seen to be adapting to people, lying and using his charm. And this, here, is the most dangerous negative profile because this people are the cleverest and adapt their appearance and behaviour to their objectives and targets. At a time when marriage was unbreakable and women had no more right than chattel, the fate of an innocent young women glued to the toxic charm of this kind of man, would have been dire, indeed. And the author has us know, in fact, that the first wife of this man had been very unhappy and died young.

19. he is cut from a large part of his emotions.

He doesn’t know love, nor happiness: he has no quality attributed to the heart. The only positive emotion he knows, it’s pleasure. Most notably the pleasure of winning: money, energy, influence, power, your attention. And he is always running after it.

And so we find ourselves in he Troll movie, with the big bad Bergens who, in order to have an agreeable moment, think they have no other solution but to eat a happy Troll.

Because as I said in the precedent article, his main emotion is anger. And it cuts him from every others. The manipulator doesn’t face his emotions, he flees them. He is basically a coward.

20. he doesn’t like to give

His ego is always whispering he deserves everything.  So when the manipulator gives, it’s to receive more in the bargain or to build his charitable image.

As one of the members of my family said: “generosity is just well thought selfishness”.

When the manipulator gives, he thinks he deserves effusive thanks and, if at all possible, a visible display of his gift.

21. he doesn’t like physical contact...

... unless it’s used to brand you and mark his power. Or for his personal pleasure. And there are all kind of gestures he will use to control you: his hand on your back to make you feel inferior, your hand he will grab and keep in his space to prevent you from escaping, the punishing handshake to show you who is boss...

He doesn’t like touching to give affection because he doesn’t like to give. And he doesn’t like loosing his grasp on control.

Sometimes, sadly, if his mass-scale manipulative job requires it and he must seem to care, he will force himself to do as he’s supposed to: hands displayed just so, eyes closed, big smile, white teeth. A less careful narcissist will be seen kissing the air or pretend touching his kid for a photograph when in fact, his hand is staying prudently away from the surface.

In bed, it can give a variety of consequences, from asexuality to 50 nuances of Grey. To love pleasure but to run from affection has manipulators looking for a delicate sex balance. Some will rape or enjoy sexual harassment, fully embracing their predatory nature.

And sometimes, at last, he has learned to be a good lover as another weapon to hunt you down.

22. he knows how to get your love

They all know how to be loved. You should never underestimate him. But it’s always puzzling for those who know the victim: how can it be he doesn’t see? Why doesn’t he realize he’s bamboozled?

The gas-lighted victim will answer something like “you don’t know him like I do” with a sprinkle of “he has excuses, he has had a difficult childhood/marriage/something.” And it’s true the victim won’t have seen the manipulator under the same light  as his kin.

Because the manipulator uses his poisonous charm on a selected few. And for a limited period.

The victim will have thus the impression to know a totally different person than the one others describe, when they try to save him. And the victim believes he knows best because he thinks he has had access to the manipulator’s intimate self. In reality, the victim is fooled: the one under which charm he has fallen, lover, wife, friend, politician, guru... isn’t real.  It’s an illusion created to seduce him. And this is, by far, the most difficult to let go. Because this illusion has been invented especially for you, for what you miss in life, for your traumatism, your faults, your dreams, your needs, your wishes and your fantasies.

The manipulator won’t always keep this illusion alive. He can’t. And even if he could, he wouldn't. He won’t make more efforts than necessary and will let the illusion progressively disappear. But the victim, dazzled by his dream in the flesh, has already committed emotionally. Or more: he can have married his manipulator, have had children with him, let his previous life go, lost his financial autonomy or his friends...

And so, in love of an illusive star or stuck in the swamp, the victim will find more and more excuses to his torturer, find justifications. And become in the deed, the accomplice of his own ordeal.

23. the more toxic the more charisma

Because it’s fairly known you don’t attract flies with vinegar. And you are the fly.

I believe in love at first sight, first and foremost when there is a manipulator involved. And it could seem a paradox, that a person I describe lacking in personality could also be so seductive. It’s because charisma doesn’t depend on personality but depends on some very clear and definite tricks: an apparent self-confidence (in fact, no shame which allows him to dare anything, lots of arrogance and self-love), this way he has to savour life and the energy of those around, and an everlasting narcissism that has him play a role to get anyone’s attention. If all that weren’t enough, some can turn an internal switch and project some kind of electric energy.

The human energy exists, the manipulator knows it.

As his total lack of conscience, his ambition and rage may have propelled him to the highest levels of money and power, we have here a classic potent aphrodisiac. And a romantic cliche à la “Pretty Woman”.

I’ve recently seen on social media, this sentence, meant to be motivational, I guess, and which could be the perfect motto of manipulators: “There is the lamp and there is the butterfly. I choose to be the lamp.”

Knowing the poor insect will, in the best case scenario, loose his time flying around an illusion, and, in the worst case, been consumed on it, you get the idea...

You can’t be too careful of neon lights.

As far as my lectures and my experience go, there are many signs who can help you identify a manipulator (from the narcissist to the psychopath).

Of course, some manipulators won’t have all the characteristics of their species and the cleverest of them all, the sociopath / psychopath will hide behind a mask. But they will need some time to decompress and be themselves. Most notably when they are among family.

To write this series, I was inspired by a self-help guru which I don’t believe is as positive as his fans believe him to be. This – oh ! - so delicious contrast between an image of sainthood and the reality of their inner self is the turf on which the most talented manipulators love to play: in the credulity, the admiration and most importantly, the energy of the crowd.

1. first there was the look

Because to whom has been in regular and repeated contact with a manipulator, as is my case, this look is very identifiable. A metallic glint, an evil intensity that no empath will never have in his or her eyes. Just never.

An empath could have anger in the eye, nobody is perfect and all that. But not this glittery and self-satisfied hatred.

I only need one time. Just once, when I catch this look, for my suspicions to awake. In the selfie age, photographic delight for whom is happily loving one-self, this look is all the more easy to catch.

You just have to put aside the luminous smile, lips stretched to their maximum on a perfect dentition, to not be fooled by the first impression.

And there you are. Gotcha.

2. then there is the appearance

And this is the less revealing characteristic of all. Because our current society is based on image. And many professions, if not all, require an effort in this particular area.

But yes, an excess in surgery or Botox could reveal a narcissist.

It could also reveal someone lacking desperately in self-confidence or being criticized by a manipulator who can’t tolerate anything less than perfection in his entourage.

3. me, me and me

Of course. It’s the basis.

Everything should be for the manipulator. The consequence being that there should be nothing left for others.

The manipulator, as he depends on the exterior for his energy dose, rejoices in the Carpe Diem philosophy: take each day your shoot of pleasure, power or other’s emotions. This way of devouring life is highly seductive from the outside. Just try to remember that you are on the menu.

The cleverest of them all, the psychopaths, won’t be blinded by this daily necessity and will be able to have middle term plans. They will not burn the ground as they walk. One never knows what the future holds. A narcissist is too obsessed by the next meal to care. But both are completely indifferent to the consequences to others, the planet or future generations. After them, the flood or the falling of Rome.He doesn’t give a damn. The wealthiest have already bought their bunker or a domain in New-Zealand, the most adventurous look towards Mars.

The manipulator loves himself with fervour. And believes he’s superior. He sees himself as the centre of the universe. The solar system, Mars included, revolves around his navel.

4. and let’s talk about God

The most toxic of manipulators, the psychopaths, are absolutely conscious not to play on the good guys’ side, but to hit the ball for the competition.

And for those who have chosen the religious mask, without any scruple whatsoever, it’s an absolute ironical delight. They will enjoy the play, being all the more rigorous and fanatical. Hello there, Torquemada!

Manipulators can use religious or any secular version of love and charity: humanitarianism, social politics, medicine... As long as it works!

Therefore killing two birds with the same crucifix: to criticize him, is daring to criticize the Creator, Morality, the Good. Don’t you have any decency? It’s a very useful taboo, because as a matter of fact, he doesn’t like criticism. At all.

During the second world war, the fight between good and evil was easily defined: it was the alliance against the Nazi. With some nuances of course. There surely had been some bad apples in the army on the good side and some German people were decent people who had no say in what was going on.

Evil and good do not usually confront one another so clearly. They face in the same country, in a  company, in a family. And in a world where climate change is currently challenging our stay on Earth, evil influence has seemed to accelerate.

The democracies, how faulty they may be, are still the most respectful of governments, giving everybody a right to be heard. They are under threat today, and it’s fairly easy to imagine some bad guy from the East having fun, pulling the strings, playing chess with our lives, through his massive investments in social media, corruption of politicians, blackmail and seduction. But he couldn’t do anything without our electoral complicity.

That’s why it’s become so important for us to learn and know about manipulators, about humanity’s dark side.

And would be my guess that it’s no coincidence that the two countries leading the charge against evil during World War, the United States and Great Britain, have currently one very visibly toxic public figure. One in each. People that, on my own toxicity assessment, I would rate as intense narcissists. Without the cleverness to belong to the psychopath category, who know better how to hide.

The danger of this kind of gun blazing narcissists is that they don’t feel the need to conform to society rules like decorum or good manners. Or not long and not too much. These manipulators don’t feel the need to respect subtle limits. Or the intelligence to care about the long run. On the plus side, their direct approach to gratification prevents them from hiding well and will enable these country a very speedy and intense class on this profile and the huge damage it can cause.