falesia: the disquieting awareness that someone's importance to you and your importance to them may not necessarily match
falesia: the disquieting awareness that someone's importance to you and your importance to them may not necessarily match β± also sent by @twistedisciple & @resalire
Nel's smile. Nel's laugh.
Nel saidβ
Nel didβ
Nel. Nel. Nel.
He tired of that name, the sound of it, the frequency of it, the immense power it wielded over Nil and ergo Rafal. Today's Nel could not be that different from yesterday's Nel, he snapped at him, do you always have to speak of your sister? But the truth was that no topic he offered in her place could have replaced the immaterial spark she inspired, that thread of animation which connected eyes to lips to heart and brimmed in his brother as life.
"I'm sorry, Rafal. Did I anger you? I'll stop if you tell me." Nil's attention landed upon him with helpful innocence, eager to remedy the issue, but unknowing of the solution, the crux, the problem itself - when he were not speaking of his talented twin already he appeared dimmer. He could not help that. And Rafal could not abate his foreboding.
More aching than jealousy was apology, the other's inability to laugh and look and speak of him in just the same way. It hadn't been 'sorry' that he wanted, it had been equivalence, it had been reassurance; in contests of choice, you would be the one I choose, but Nil would not ever, and he felt this void keenly. Push further and perhaps he would see a ripple in the fabric of their bond. Nil would spook at this strange brother's possessive desire. At worst Rafal would not be able to keep him.
"It's nothing," he amended. "I haven't been sleeping well as of late, is all."
What excuses Nil accepted Rafal did too. He acknowledged the scraps of his allowance. The unfortunate fortune he was given, the emptied honeycomb and dormant wax where another creature had reached first. And it was futile, he knew. He could not compete with a stronger child of Sombron, stronger not merely for her strength but also for her invisibility. Because whatever this undying notion was, the one known as Nel could be named the source; the love in Nil's voice for a name and a face out of sight but never out of mind.
Someone else resided where he wished to be, possessed all that he wished to have, and he arranged himself where sparsity remained. For Nil was his whole.
Even if Rafal was not even his half.
