Evyn 3 Reflection
I am Evyn 3 when I do not have purpose; when I am not fully committed to something; when I am not about the things that I am about.
Clarification: You are all about music. Jenn is all about her work at the Yost. Jake is all about his philosophy. When I feel like people would look at me and say a) I don’t know what she’s about or b) she’s about [something I’m not, or don’t want to be, about] then I become Evyn 3.
When I feel disconnected from life, people, purpose, then I am Evyn 3. When I wallow, despair about my future, and refuse to keep pushing after curiosity and inspiration, then I am Evyn 3. When I stagnate, keep to only one routine, and stop asking questions, I am Evyn 3.
Evyn 3 is a state of mind. It can and must be broken through and altered in order to reach 4 and 5-ness. Unfortunately, I can’t break 3-ness just by wanting to, it has to come around organically. This time, I broke free of the clouds on the drive out to Torrance, thinking about people who know who they are and wondering why I didn’t feel like I was being who I am. Lightning bolt!
Dude, just do it! What the hell! Be about the things that you are about, who cares if it’s not the same as other people, popular, or even lucrative. You don’t even have to do anything about it, sometimes recognizing that you care about something is enough to resolve your inner tension.
Evyn 3 is a coaster, she gets by fine but isn’t killing it. She doesn’t want to be dragged out of her shell, where she’s safe, and she often questions herself. She’s also a rollercoaster--equal parts shy, rule-bound homebody, equal parts reckless party girl. She wants to stay at home and not do anything, and also drop everything and go travel somewhere new. But she doesn’t get to stay at home and she never actually pulls the trigger on traveling.
Evyn 4 is all about full commitment to her current responsibilities, regardless of whether or not she is interested in them. Evyn 5 is all about full commitment to the responsibilities she has sought out, not just the ones she has been roped in to.
This weekend, I’ve been Evyn 4. I’ve decided to commit fully to the Yost, to my jobs, to my Fitbit, to my current responsibilities, to my gyrokinesis training. I don’t know if this is the place I’m going to end up, but that’s not the point. The real point is, I’m here now, and the only way I’m going to get any benefit out of this time and these experiences is by fully committing and barging into it--the multiple jobs, the groups of people, the many and long hours, the fulfilling feeling of knowing I worked harder than I needed to and harder than anyone expected me to, in order to survive, learn, and grow.
Evyn 4 knows that most of her classmates are in the same position, are mostly miserable, and have no idea what they’re doing or where they’re going to go. So it’s okay. She doesn’t need Evyn 3′s hard shell anymore, because Evyn 4 isn’t afraid of wading in the shit. Evyn 3 can be a little bitch sometimes.
