#repentance.

Lamentations 5:16-22 16The crown has fallen from our head. Woe to us, for we have sinned! 17Because of this our heart is faint; Because of these things our eyes grow dim; 18Because of Mount Zion which is desolate, With foxes walking about on it. 19You, O Lord, remain forever; Your throne from generation to generation. 20Why do You forget us forever, And forsake us for so long a time? 21Turn us…

In the past 2 weeks there have been three things spoken to me about sexual sin. The first was a sermon. After hearing that message I knew God was calling out to me. Second, my friend had a vision about me. That probably sounds a little crazy, but it was legit and it was straight from God. Third, was another sermon tonight. Normally I hate listening to our campus pastor, but tonight, he was speaking to me. 

I was exposed to sex early in my life due to the fact that sex was no secret in my house. I couldn't even tell you when my addiction started because I was so young, probably 7. How is that possible you ask? I remember being in first or second grade and going to my friend's house and playing cute little games, the whole you be the boy I be the girl. To my friends, it was nothing, just a make believe game. But to me, it wasn't. I craved touch all the time. 

I was exposed to pornography at the age of 14. I was a girl with a crush on a boy who was quite older than me and he exposed me to it. From there I moved on to another older boy who I allowed to touch me. At the age of 14 I lost my purity. I have no idea why I even did it. There's not a day that I don't regret that decision I made.

Now, when I was a senior in high school is when the addiction expanded to feeling like I had no control over it. I was allowing a boy to fool around with me, I would watch pornography multiple times a week and I was constantly craving affection. The thing is, I wasn't doing it because I was insecure, I was doing it because it's like a drug to me. People don't see girls as the one's who do it because they're addicted. I am so humiliated and ashamed of my addiction because it's not normal for girls. It's almost like I have to lie and say I watch porn and engage in sexual acts because I'm insecure. NO. I do it because it gives me a high. 

So here I am, a 20 year old woman who battles everyday with a sexual addiction. Ashamed. But God is speaking to me. He is telling me it is okay. He forgives me for my past and He needs me to move forward without this addiction. I am so trapped in these chains of bondage and He wants to set me free.

If you could all join with me in praying for two things I would so appreciate that. I need you to one, pray for my addiction in general, for strength, and two, I want to pray for me to find a mentor who can hold me accountable. I am so ashamed to tell anyone, but I know if I can find a woman who I can open up to, she can hold me accountable and I can overcome this.