#renjun.

“Renjun,” Jeno’s repeated knocks on the door are gentle, almost polite, but Renjun knows better than that. “Are you okay?”

Renjun doesn’t panic, doesn’t freeze like he did countless of times before. He knows he locked the bathroom door. Positive. No doubt. After all, it’s become such a natural routine. 

Once his chest starts to burn, he runs. Runs to the nearest bathroom, locks the door and hacks his heart out. And if the stupid petals won’t comply, stick a finger or two down his throat till his body does, the familiar feeling of the accomplices of his demise surging up his throat, sometimes with blood, sometimes without. Then, he’ll clean up, flush the petals down and wipe the places stained with blood, with his blood, and try for the most convincing smile he can do in the mirror. He’ll stand there, his hand hovering over the doorknob, wondering what excuse he’ll give this time, wondering if maybe he should come clean, but Renjun knows when he leaves the room, his secret will stay there, never to be spoken aloud, never to be entrusted to anyone.

No one, he promised himself, no one will ever see him like that- like this.

Pathetic. Sitting on the bathroom floor, limbs heavy with sorrow, a hard, painful lump stuck in his throat. Maybe because of the petals, or maybe because his silent sobs won’t seem to stop even though he’s sure he’s cried all his tears out. Maybe it’s because Renjun is so ready to break, to crack under the pressure and shatter into a million pieces. Renjun doesn’t know, doesn't want to know, doesn’t dwell on it. What he knows is that his heart already had, it’s shards and sharp edges a persistent, agonizing pain that is worsened, becomes outright excruciating whenever he sees Donghyuck.

I’m not.

“Yeah,” Renjun replies, trying his best to sound like the Renjun they know. Calm and collected, steady and sure. All the things he wasn’t right now. “I’m good. Just felt a bit sick.”

Jeno stopped buying the excuses long ago. But Renjun knows his roommate won’t pry, no matter how curious or concerned he is. He hears yet another heavy, heartfelt sigh from behind the door. 

“You should hurry up. You’ve been in there too long.”

This time, Renjun doesn’t bother hiding the hoarseness of his voice, the abnormal speed of his breaths. He croaks out, “I will.”

Renjun listens to his wavering footsteps till he can’t and looks down at the floor. It’s a mess. Yellow flower petals surround him with taunt. Tells him how much of a fool he is. Falling for a person that could never love him back- not in the same way. Falling for someone who’s already happy. Renjun can’t risk it. Friendship is more than he deserves. More than he’d dare ask for. 

But he’ll manage. He will. He always does. He’ll clean up after himself just like he does every time.

(While he still can.)