#renewal!

idk if i'm too sensitive (i really need a hobby like oh my god i'm so goddamn bored but im way lazier so it probably won't go anywhere) to the state of things with james, or at least my perception of them, but i feel weird man. it could be that he's not incessantly lovey anymore so im bugging which would be bad... i feel like for someone who claims to hate being in relationships i have awfully high standards for how my boyfriend should act. it is rather princess-y but i want to be taken care of! he did a great job of that before. when he's got money it's the shit because he -is- generous when he can be. it's a weird issue for us though, i'm always thrilled when he has cash so it turned it into an issue, he knows so i think he thinks i judge him? or i'm using him for his money? (which i'm obviously not because he doesn't have anyyyyy) i suppose it started on wednesday when he came over (it was poopy, smoking should always come after fucking) and we were going to go halves on a dub but my mom gave me $20 and his mom didn't give him any and that wasn't weird but the way he was acting pissed me off, it has been recently, i'm just getting sick of his ego because i feel like there's nothing i can do about it because he doesn't listen to me. and before he left i was looking for change and i was like "we're so poor" and then after i said it i was like "fuck" because he is open with me about his family's ~economic situation~ and i probably should be more sensitive to it since i know, I DONT FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HOW THICK ANYONE ELSE'S SKIN IS!!!!!!!!!! usually when i act like this though james insists he didn't even notice but i have guilt. alec was shocked (or he acted like it) when he saw james make me pay for bud, i was like "no it's fine" because i don't really think james has the luxury of poder darme la hierba gratis (hablo con elocuencia solamente en espanol) but how dope would it be to get free bud from your boyfriend? i don't know if i was expecting that as a perk.

a lot of the time i feel like people ignore me or don't take me as seriously as i'd like them to but when i think about it it's my fault, i'm not particularly funny or loud when i'm with people a bunch of people i work better in small groups cause it's way easier to get attention BUT I WANT TO GO TO PARTIES!! but anyway james of all people should listen to me more than he does and its like KAMAAAAN because how much time have i spent listening to him talk about stupid shit... i want to make that a rant but i can't, really. he might have before we were dating, when i was still some kind of goal yet-to-be-achieved but now that i'm here i'm more of an audience. ugh jesus christ no ok the thing that really pissed me off on wednesday was how he acts with (diz bitch whose name im going to take out because im a fag), it definitely is that we're just spending too much time together but he's always thrilled to see her, jump out of his seat and scream her name and pick her up and swing her around excited (sans exagération), ask her how her week was and tell her how good she looks and do it all immediately, as soon as you see her, because otherwise her fucking entourage of adoring fans will swoop in and carry her away in their cars and you'll never see her again!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol im so bitter wow. but still. leap-off-the-bench excited, jump up and down excited, stand in front of your girlfriend to more fully appreciate her beauty excited! i'm dumb jealous but it's weird because i also admire her, i find myself taking learned social cues from her and I don't know how I feel about it.

james and i are just spending too much time together (but there's no where i can go!!!!!!!)

i'm starting to resent dating someone at the end of the year, especially now that i'm a junior, and seniors are both within and soon to be out of my reach. i'd still like to fuck simon. but we're not going to break up, because contrary to what i now realize i had previously believed, breaking up with someone isn't the first possible reaction you should have if one of you is being a dick. maybe that's why i insist on being given ~special treatment~ while i'm dating someone: i'm used to being adored because i never see my boyfriend in any other mood than that, i lose interest first and then i end it so he ends up having treated me like a princess throughout the whole thing.