#remember livejournal

of course today it doesn’t feel that bad, right? other than the baseline “my ring and pinkie finger always feel weird but it’s not like it hurts” and feeling a stretch in my hand when i open it wide. but like my elbow is fine!?!? idk

anyway so i’m like bummed bc she starts doing things and holding my arm in ways and tapping on my elbow and asking if i feel anything and i’m like idk maybe? then on my left arm which doesn’t bother me as much she taps me on my elbow and i’m like ooh! that’s a funny bone feeling!

she also asks if my arm falls asleep while i’m sleeping, which is sometimes; if it goes numb while i’m driving, which it doesn’t, and then she asks if it hurts when i’m on the phone for a long time and i was excited to say yes about that one!!!!

then she asks me to put my hands on the table, spread my fingers, and then bring them together. my right pinkie finger does a very bad job of this. then she goes through different fingers and tries to push them together while asking me to push back, like she tried to push my pinkie and ring together while i tried to resist. um my right hand failed that test IMMEDIATELY

and then after she was like you know that funny bone feeling when i was tapping? yeah that’s not normal actually.

i’m getting a nerve conduction test tomorrow!!!! at 3:30 (not bc of urgency, they just happened to have a 3:30 tomorrow can you believe it), and the goal there is to see what’s up with my nerves and how bad, if at all, anything is.

my perpetual fear is still that there’s actually nothing, or maybe in a fun twist i’ve just been living with it for so long that i’m like ?? i feel nothing. she DID say that thyroid disorders can cause nerve damage and she thinks that my case is likely a combination of thyroid and other factors. looking at this pamphlet i think maybe at this test i don’t have to feel things, and they’ll literally send electrical signals through my nerves to see what’s up.

my house is like that. my laundry. It’s mostly clean laundry, but fuck. Eleven miscellaneous single socks, a pair of stockings that don’t fit me, a t-shirt I meant to cut down into something else. Piles in the bedroom, piles in the guest room, some on the sunporch it’s abruptly too cold to use, some in the attic probably, some in the basement. I have no idea what fits me, what’s even mine. It’s all clean, it’s all perfect, I can’t find any of it.

My life is like that. What was I working on? I don’t know. Piles of things everywhere. I don’t know what any of it is and don’t remember what I intended to do with any of it. I can’t get rid of any of it because i kept it all for reasons. I don’t remember the reasons. I’m not making that up, though, there are actual reasons, and when I remember them, I do actually complete projects. It’s impossible to complete projects, though, because I have too much stuff in the way and I can’t find the things I was actually trying to work on.

People helpfully tell me to throw everything away and start over, which is just so helpful, because I can afford to do that, because I could just buy all new craft stuff, because I have a body that just fits in any clothes and I can just get new ones. (No. None of those are true. I can’t.) 

(I bought shelves for my basement and organized an enormous amount of stuff down onto them, and then instantly the living room was full of crap again and I don’t know how.)

This is not really critical at the moment, it is just symptomatic of the fact that surely if I had ADHD I’d already know about it, right Doc? 

I opened this window to make a different post but this is what happened. I went to bed at 8pm last night and intermittently lay awake for hours worrying about what’s going to happen to this country. The President-elect is actually incapable of understanding what a conflict of interest is. He actually does not understand. Who has the guts to sue him? That’s the part of the legal system I don’t understand. Someone has to do it. Why isn’t there any opposition leader? I understand not wanting to make yourself a target but right now it’s not dangerous yet, he hasn’t consolidated power yet, surely someone can stand up and do something, besides some podunk-wacko snippy Erie Co legislator. 

(I have a whole side post brewing on New York State politics, but I won’t get into it here. It’ll come, don’t worry.)

Also my whole hand is still bruised from the fact that turkeys, unlike chickens, have hard unyielding pelvises, tough skin, and decidedly non-stretchy abdominal muscles, so when you try to pull your hand out with the gizzard in it, your hand gets bruised instead of their skin yielding, and you have to try to work the gizzard out kind of sideways. It doesn’t help that this year’s turkeys were given as much grit as they wanted, so their gizzards were full of rocks, so there was no squish. (The turkeys, apparently, loved the grit and ate it preferentially to the wheat they were also given. Their favorite was, of course, the corn-based feed, but they’d eat rocks before they ate wheat. I don’t know why. Turkeys are not bright. But they grew faster and were healthier than last year’s turkeys, who weren’t given grit, so, I guess hard gizzards is a small price to pay. All of us eviscerators had bad hand bruises though.)