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So I relapsed today. Again. Tonight rather. Twice.
The first time, I went to a meeting after and talked to a girl and told her and she told me i needed to throw my stuff away, because i'm not going to stop if I can do it And I was like yeah i know i know. I haven't gotten rid of anything. That means this is real. I had another hit left, and when I got home - I bargained with myself until my addictive side won, and I decided to take the last hit and then throw my things away - as opposed to throwing my last hit away. I know. So then I have a coughing fit. The first time I smoked I was fine, I guess it was small enough. This time however was like it always was, Thank god I only almost puked up all the food I had just eaten - as opposed to definitely puking up the little bit of food I hopefully ate. Finally it was over and i'm fucking blitzed. I start having this epiphany moment, and I'm like mentally surrendering to this fucking program. Which I know, i'm high. Completely counter intuitive. However, whatever. I took the GB and it was like I said goodbye. Well I literally did I won't kid you guys.
So i'm like mentally surrendering, and allowing myself to actually envision a life without drugs - because I have refused to do that thus far. And then my mom comes upstairs, and holds me accountable. She asked me why I was coughing so much. I told her, and said I knew, and she seemed really sad and disappointed but was laughing and joking like I was cause that's how we do things here. And then she said "now I have to start counting all over again." and I said, "well good, you're counting! cause I can't keep up, so let me know when it's been 30 days." And that's the end of tonight's NA tale.
