#relationshipssucks

Day before thanksgiving. I hate holidays. My parents are due in sometime today. It'll be good to see them yet hard. My daughter is trying to make sure I have somewhere to go tomorrow. Daughter and SIL have to work today and tomorrow. My oldest son and his wife work nights and I don't know their plans. My youngest and his GF are going to her grandma's. That means I'll be alone. My parents will probably stay until lunch tomorrow, leave before it gets dark. I can't blame them, I don't like to drive when it gets dark either. So another holiday alone. SUCKS

When I went up to the VA in Cleveland and received my 'official' diagnosis of fibromyalgia, his prescription for me was talk therapy. He believed that the past traumas in my life threw of my my system out of whack, neuromuscular. I mean I've also totaled 2 cars, and worked from 13/50 so my body has endured a lot. I've been in and out of therapy for 23+ years. Marriage, divorce, personal, family, behavioral (for oldest son). There is benefit in it for me though it's REALLY dependent on counselor. I exercise regularly. Eat healthy most of the time. Practice yoga. Mediate. Have great relationships with my kids, friends. And yet the talk thing is not enough. I feel it in my head, neck and shoulders. That's where I carry my trauma. And in my heart. I had a few tell me that to 'be more positive.' Last one I said that she had to redefine positive; I'm here and I'm wearing clothes.' If you want that kind of positive, rent a Mary Poppins DVD. I am a firm believer that my body retains trauma and it manifests itself in illness and pain. I also believe that I'm an empath, a sensitive. I absorb others' energies as well. That's why when I'm in the company of toxic people, my body inhales their energy. Once I went on disability and left my boss who was a bully, my energy felt relief. It was no accident that I was close to liver failure there. Liver rids our bodies of toxins. Mine was unable to process and started to shut down. I have a severe case of autoimmune liver disease. My own body is trying to kill itself. Dealing with my childhood, an emotionally and verbally abusive ex husband and a boss, a passive aggressive ex husband, 2 major car accidents and a couple of shitty choices in relationships later, I'm still in chronic, debilitating pain. Biggest loss yet was the death of my grandson at 34 weeks. Watching my baby lose and bury her baby, devastating. And I lost my grandson. How do they get up and do stuff? Amazes me. Sometimes it's a good thing, being aware. Sometimes it's a heavy burden to bear because I am unable to turn it off. I can live in denial for a bit but it always comes back like a bulldozer. Crushing my spirit. Sometimes I bounce back up. Sometimes I have to peel myself off of the ground. Many a time I just lay low, no energy to move.

Don't know what to do. Definition of insanity; doing the same thing and expecting different result. I've really missed him; his calm demeanor, his smile, the way he carried himself. He says he loves me... But it's been a month and the weekends are the same as they were. Doesn't text/call regularly. He's too busy w work. I offered to visit him but again he's too busy with work, his mom, his brother... Did not introduce me to rest of his family. Yet again. He can go on vacation, To a BBQ at his brothers. Who the fuck really knows. The words he said are just words. Meaningless. Followed by no actions to back it up. Sigh...haven't decided how to handle this one yet. Tired of the waiting game. I will handle it person this time though. I don't want to have him at my family events and his family doesn't know I exist

Well I broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago. Basically because of his relentless jealousy, possessiveness and just flat out crazy. I’m sitting here trying to figure out what the fuck happened. He’s like a magnet for me; a primal attraction that’s never happened that fast and made me fall so hard. By nature, I’m fairly cautious and steer away from crazy. I don’t use that word lightly; my mom is bipolar so I know the behaviors. Grew up with them. On many levels, we made a connection, deep, consuming connection. I miss that. Behaviors, not so much. Whenever I get sad or miss him, I read the texts. Vicious, Degrading, mean spirited, untruthful, bully. Back to reality. He’s like heroin; mad rush of ecstasy but it will kill you. Shit, I can’t even handle sudafed. The bad crushes the good. On top of it all, the guy I dated for two years sent me 2 letters; yes letters. Apologizing for his actions. Which is the first time ever a man has come back to say he’s sorry. We’ve been talking. Says he loves me and should’ve said it sooner. Such a contrast; one is calm and the other is on fire. Weird….

Just getting through life. Though I know we're not supposed to 'keep track' but my mind does wander back, trying to orient crazy. How many times in 2 years did he - bring me breakfast ZERO. Me, I made him30-40. -bring me coffee? Zero -BRING ME ANYTHING, any food? Zero - bring anything to family functions? Zero - back rubs? 4 I gave him over 100 - cleanup, took his own plate to dishwasher, refilled his koolaid cup? ZERO - took care of my car? Put gas in my car? Paid any bill? Bought a gallon of milk? Loaf of bread? Bag of sugar? ZERO - fell asleep while watching a movie? 97% - took me out to dinner? 4 times - gave me just because present? One (I gave him at least a dozen) Loser

Okay i might be liking this boy in school and it is not that we're like best friends but not the wordt i guess it is weird but i also am not sure if he is gay and i kinda wanna go for it and ask him out so what should i do? (Ps: i know no one will reply but still wanted to put it out there)