#relationshipss

I think my relationship is too 'goal' oriented, and becoming more of a sport. Like, I don't think we've ever just talked and been excited about each other on a non physical level. Just giving good feelings back and forth, but not really ever in sync with connectedness.

First let me say that I rarely post things about my life or my personal experiences; in fact, this is probably the first time I am doing so in a year and a half of tumblring, so please don’t judge me or my blog by it. If you are here to see cute pictures of cats or my rebloggings of my various fandoms, please go ahead and skip this. I probably wouldn't be that interested in your life, either. I just wanted to share something I realized about myself and my friendships. Take from it what you will.

Over the past four years, I've learned more about friendship than I probably did in all the previous years of my life put together. This was due largely to my acquisition of a best friend. I learned what it was like to have a best friend, and I learned what it was like to be a best friend. Within the last year, however, I have learned the most difficult lesson of all: how to share a best friend.

I learned this because my best friend suddenly had more people in her everyday life than I was used to her having, and as you might imagine, that was a bit of an adjustment. Well, okay, it was much more than that. It was an upheaval. Suddenly I wasn't around her one on one as much anymore. Suddenly she was choosing to be with other people one on one rather than me, for far longer periods of time, and this drove me crazy. I began to ask for more time with her alone, which was okay at first, but then I felt like I needed that time almost constantly and felt totally abandoned and rejected when I didn't get it. She would promise to do things with me and not fulfill them, or she would only spend time with me when necessary, and this made me feel awful. She couldn't be persuaded to hang out with me unless she felt like it, and I began to think she was so selfish. Meanwhile, and quite naturally, all these demands for attention were having the exact opposite effect on my friendship than I wanted. They were driving her away. Something had to give.

Finally, after spending a few weeks away from the situation, something did give, not in a catastrophic failure sort of way (thank God) but in a series of small revelations. First, I realized that even if we didn't talk every day, we still remained friends. Secondly, I realized that I could go days at a time without contact with her and be just fine (I didn't need her). The implications of the first one were fairly obvious to me right away: I had been worried that our friendship was on the brink of collapse and that she would not want to work to maintain it, but that obviously wasn't true since it was surviving just fine, so I wasn't so frantic for attention or one on one time. It took me a while  to realize the psychology behind the second revelation, but I got there eventually, and I’d like to share it with you now.

The problem I was having with the relationship wasn't because of her; it wasn't that she had selfish tendencies, even though she may have from time to time, and it wasn't that she didn't care about me anymore, and it wasn't her unwillingness to spend time with me. The whole problem was with me. I had never had a best friend before, and I think on some level I questioned whether or not I deserved one, so during the first three years of her relationship, I grew to rely on her attentions and acceptance for my own self confidence. When she stopped giving those attentions, or when she said she didn't want to hang out with me, I interpreted that as her saying that I did not deserve to be loved. This is why I got so angry, this is why it hurt so much, and this is why I felt I needed the attention so badly.

My lack of self confidence was the root of the problem. Before I could even begin to think about what changes of behavior I needed to see in her, I had to tell myself and prove to myself that I did deserve a best friend and I did deserve to be loved. It was not fair to place the burden of my fragile ego on the shoulders of my best friend exclusively. Best friends are supposed to help YOU mend your broken hearts and shattered confidence, not be the keepers of them themselves. I had to realize that, as well as come to terms with the fact that the only person who could fix the problem was me, and it was not my best friend’s fault that she could not carry, nor wanted to take full charge of the heavy burden I so unjustly placed on her.

After that realization, my relationship improved almost instantly. She began to enjoy hanging out with me again and did it for fun rather than as an obligation, just like friendship should be. It was almost as if we were going back to normal, something I thought impossible before. I still ask for some one on one time with her, but it’s not as often, not as long, and not as burdensome. And I do still feel somewhat upset when she neglects to do things that she said she would do, but now it is less of a “you obviously don’t think I deserve love” and more of simply being irritated that she didn't follow through.

So, the lesson I learned from all of this, in short, is that when you have a problem in a relationship, your first instinct is to blame the other person’s behavior, but that is rarely where the seed of it lies. The problem, more often than not, is with you. You should ask yourself why that particular behavior bugs you so much, and what baggage you are bringing to the relationship before you can reprimand the other person for not doing their share. Dealing with our own insecurities is hard, but it is something we must do in order to improve our situation. Avoiding them and taking it out on those we love is not a solution and will only create more problems. Our friends might, and probably should, help us deal with them since that is all part of what it means to be friends, but they cannot fight the entire battle for us. They can bandage our wounds, watch our backs, and sharpen our weapons, but we must slay our own dragons.