#relationsh!t

I let him touch the parts of me I usually bury beneath bad choices, reckless nights, and distractions.

He taught me that sharing a bed doesn't mean sharing a heart. That someone can pull you close every night while wishing you were someone else.

Now every choice he makes takes another piece of the good left in me. He taught me that someone can hold you all night and still make you feel like they'd rather be sleeping beside anyone else.

I used to believe love could save people like us. Now I just know it can ruin you, too.

Wooooo Christmas was a couple days a go and we get a new year in a couple of days!

University

So school is going terrible, I am terrible. I got two A’s and the place I was supposed to get a F(T) gave me a plain old F. I don’t know what to do about that + the person I was talking to to get the F(T) apparently does not exists. Which is great, it’s all great. 

Relationsh!t

We’ve been fighting somewhat. I think it’s hard for him that he’s not my priority during the holidays, my grandparents are my priority. I mean, they old, they very old. I think he expected me to make the Herculean effort to go see him or let him know so I can get picked up. I love him but I think I have all the opportunity in the future to spend Christmas with him. 

Also my sister, last year, left halfway through Christmas Eve celebrations to go hang out with her then BF. I saw how that was treated and how the whole thing was handled by everyone. I don’t want to be that person. It’s not worth it. I want my family to like the person I’m with, not more than I want to spend time with him, but if I want him there for a long time I think it’d be nice if not everyone hated him. I feel like he is more than a regular BF to me, but they’ve been over this with my sister so they kinda don’t believe me. She swears that every man is “the one” meanwhile I’ve never ever done that. Since I’m still in college and living under their roof with their cars and have to ASK them to leave I’d rather not tell them what’s up and get everyone involved on their shit list. Idk, I just think H has different expectations. Hi dad and stepmom seem to think I’m “the one” which makes it easier. Because then they treat me like part of the family and expect Herman to do the same, my parents don’t think he’s “the one”. I’m not sure why. It’s not like I’ve brung a wealth of people home. I’ve only ever brought one person home and that was pretty serious for 17 y/o. I don’t know, man. My parents should get that if I choose to say I’m dating someone and I willingly bring them home to meet my dad then it’s a pretty serious thing. I mean I’ve been with H for a while now. A time that feels like forever and a minute ago. 

I don’t know. I wish I could go to H’s place Christmas morning, for a little, I wish I could just go over and be with him. Instead of getting judged and put on a shit list for doing what i want. I wish I could communicate this to H, I haven’t said a thing other than I can’t go. I haven’t honestly tried, but at the same time his answer is getting mad and then going like “It’s fine”. He just buried the hatchet and I don’t know how healthy that can possibly be. I have no idea how good that can be. On the other hand I’ve posted other rocky moments and they just sort themselves out? Like we magically just move on. I complain here, to the vast expanse of no one and I complain to my friends and then it’s over. So I guess it’s working? I don’t know. I’m just happy that we’re together. there are about ten million reasons he makes me happy. My favourite one was when he asked me “Why do you love me?”, as in what quality do I have that makes you love me. My answer kinda took him by surprise. Because I have a list about our relationship and things that make me happy within it. I could have chosen anyone on there. Any single item on the list. But I said “i don’t have one. You can change any which way and I’d love you the same” because he’d still be him. Does that make sense? We’re young, we’re gonna change a lot. We’re gonna make dumbass mistakes. Things are gonna change and if I can’t learn to love those changes then we’re kinda doomed as a couple. And I’m not saying that because I’m “used to him” I’m saying that because I genuinely care abhim and I’m not gonna stop him from becoming the person he’s meant to be just because I admire his perseverance. 

So I haven't posted anything in a while. I've been intentionally MIA. Anyways I had begun pen and paper journaling the list. Which is okay and helps keep me a little sane but I realize that he can't see it and sometimes. I want him to know that I appreciate him and why I appreciate him and that I am in fact happy with where we are. I think this is the last relationsh!t post (?). I’m not sure I don’t think so but then it might be.

191. “I miss you more than I thought I would”- me “Just think that you’ll be here soon”- H (it was barely march). I found that hella cute because he was trying to comfort me even though I knew that the facts contradicted that. 

192. “No, fucking bitch, I only fuck my girlfriend” I’m not really going to explain this one. Sorry. 

193. His usual eagerness to tell me about his day and how things went for him

194. He’s hella busy but still makes time for me. 

195. “Why are you asking me? It’s your body your choice”

My cut hurts and I'm going to be alone all day and I know tha bae is not going to talk to me today unless I call him. Whatever, I don't know why he’s acting like that. I don't know why he keeps hurting me over and over again even though I keep telling him to stop. He just stops me from telling him. And I’m tired. I am so tired of this. I want to talk to him I really do but everytime I try to it’s like I'm talking to a piece of furniture. He’s been so disconnected to what I've been saying and to what he’s been saying. I tried telling him something yesterday and he just responded with “I don’t care”. After I told him that he acts like he doesn't care; because telling me that he doesn't care helps that. After I told him that I cut myself last night he was just kind of there. He didn't say anything; didn't do anything. He asked me what was up so I told him and then he'd be silent and when I’d get frustrated and try to hang up then he would tell me that he couldn’t hear me. Instead of telling me originally. Not to mention that I don’t feel like I can tell him how I’m actually feeling because he tells me that me crying makes him feel uncomfortable and that he'd rather not hear it/see it. That doesn't inspire me telling him anything. I get there to his house we haven’t seen each other in months and he’s so indifferent about the whole thing. I don’t, I don’t even know. 

This weekend has been a horrible weekend(more on that in a different post), not counting all the other things that happened (that I feel like I can’t tell him because he always cuts me off, says he doesn't care or starts lecturing me). There’s another thing; the god dang lecturing. Stop. Stop telling me things I already know you’re not being helpful. You’re only reminding me that I am inadequate and that I can’t perform; I can’t meet any standards. I don’t want to be reminded of that, why can’t you just have more tact when saying things? Is it that complicated and hard to be nice to me? Just fucking not saying these things is not the solution but learning of a way to talk about them is. 

I don’t know. I feel like I can’t say anything because I’m either ignored, lectured, put down or told that what I’m saying does not matter; that he doesn't care. I don't want to feel like that. I want to feel like it does matter and that the person that I am with does want to listen. These aren't new things. I've been mentioning these things (to him) for a while but I still feel like they're new to him because he’s not listening or paying attention to what I am saying or he bounces off the situation to me. I don't know what else to say or do to be heard and understood. 

In the spirit of me procrastinating and celebrating H’s birthday I’m going to break my own promise and add a couple of things from my planner to the list. Because he deserves to be reminded of how awesome he is and how much I appreciate him. And also my brain is fried and I need a break. 

191.    “I miss you but I’m happy you’re working towards your goals” This is the sweetest thing ever and one of the best ways to deal with a ldr.