#relationsanarkism

literally tearing up because of truth

“For me polyamory means that I have space to move through my life in the most authentic way possible. And that means that there aren't really any arbitrary barriers on what that might look like. Rather than making sure I always have multiple partners or something like that, it’s more about being allowed to have a genuine connection with every person that I feel I should be able to connect with, without having to nip anything in the bud for the reason of monogamy.”

“I think that after coming out as polyamorous, I’ve seen an enormous increase in my willingness to be committed. And it’s not that it wasn't there before, instead it is that I’m able to be committed in a way that fits me. In a way that comes out of me naturally. And so my desire to be committed to the people I care about is much much higher and it’s much easier for me to achieve it.”

ever since i was 10? in fourth grade. or no scratch that. i had my first boyfriend when i was in kindergarden. yeah take it with a pinch of salt, we were 5 at the time, but we still liked each other to the extent that we said we were, which still fascinates me to this day. but even as i liked alexander, i still had a strong liking to this other boy. this would later become what i now realise is my first experience with my now poly life.

back to fourth grade. pre-teens, newfound hormones and my ability to not give a fudge about what anyone else thinks, really, made me ask a boy in my class if he wanted to be my boyfriend. this ‘game’, i would call it, proceeded throughout 5th and 6th grade until i think i must’ve been called girlfriend by the majority of the boys in my class. (bare in mind i was the only one doing this to such extent - what people might call a stupid game of ‘tag you’re it’) some other girls in my class might have asked one boy, or two at the most if they got a no. 

this is what i want to call phase two in my realisation that i have to identify as poly. because i liked all these boys. and i wanted them to give me gratification by agreeing to the gesture of being “in a relationship” with me. but societal rules says that i can only be with one boy at a time - so of course i “jumped from one to the next”. this is way different than having the knowledge i do now. but having learnt now what poly means - and more importantly what it means to me - it has made me more of the person i can and should be. 

as i grew older, this example of jumping from one boy to the next with three weeks intervals simply prolonged. my first real boyfriend at 15 (yeah ya’ll know what real means *three hail marys*) lasted 9 months. here i want to clarify: the Relationship in norm terms lasted 6. but since the day i met fredric, in my world, this is where the relationship started. much like how you would count the length of a friendship. the extra aspect of a kiss or sex is where we’re taught to somehow totally redefine what a relationship is and somehow put a stopwatch on it. 

tog en långpromenad. tror jag fann meningen med livet. kärlek. känner så mycket kärlek till mina vänner just nu. känns som jag har mer kärlek att ge nu när det inte är nån som vill dra den ur mig. (och att jag förstår vad det är. för kärlek kunde jag aldrig riktigt sätta fingret på och därmed aldrig säga till någon som sa det till mig). jag känner kärlek till vännerna man har haft och har haft länge, som man vet att man kommer älska till slutet även fast man inte hörts på ett par månader. jag känner kärlek till de aktiva och de nya platoniska vännerna som vill umgås och dela med sig av sitt med en. det gör mig så blödig nu när jag har tid att tänka på det och uppskatta det. känner även mycket kärlek till de vänner en har som är mer än platoniska. där gäller ju faktiskt exakt samma sak, bara att man delat en lite extra form av tillit. tillit att man kan röra vid varandra utan att det skulle bli dumt. och även där vara bekväm i att spendera mer än en halv dag i varandras närvaro. herregud vad jag älskar er. ni är som en familj för mig.