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I’m seeing progress already. Not enough to satisfy me but it is motivating. Just about a week of exercising everyday (vigorously and lightly on some) and cutting back on my excess eating and I’m seeing my stomach tighten. I hope my arms will slim down too. I’m going to keep focusing on cardio and ab workouts. Maybe I can do this in a better way than before. Maybe I just needed to be active again.
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I’ve given myself the green light. To do nearly whatever it takes to to shed these pounds. My first goal is 5lbs. Then it’ll be 10lbs, then 15lbs and I’ll keep going like that until I’m satisfied. If I’m ever satisfied. I’m sure the stretch marks will stay, and my body won’t be exactly the same. I just want some semblance of the person I used to live in. I won’t starve, really I won’t and I won’t purge either. I will eat, just… not much. Just enough to function mentally with enough energy to keep my daily workouts. I won’t have any off days. Just different kinds of exercises each day so I don’t burn out or stop.
It happened. I finally slipped up and relapsed. And it felt so good. Something triggered me enough to finally purge again. It felt so natural as if I never stopped doing it. It felt… it felt so good. I haven’t done it again even though I’ve wanted to. I want to throw myself into relapse completely. I miss it. I miss my body.
🧍🏻‍♀️anyway I have decided to completely relapse
OOP well enough of whatever that relapse was bc my hair started falling out SOOOO much ;-;
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Look… I know I gave all those speeches.. about recovery and how hard it is but worth it. I’m trying to gain control in my life and- the one thing I’ve felt like I couldn’t control was my body. I know this makes me a hypocrite, but I forgot how effective it is. I don’t want to go back to throwing up. That was… gross and my teeth suffered. The last four or five days… I’ve been, well I’ll call it a calorie deficit. I’ve cut my calorie intake more than half, I allow myself 900 calories a day. So… no one can say I’m starving myself. I do eat still, just one meal a day and a late night snack. Eating 3 times a day plus a snack here and there was never… it wasn’t supposed to happen. I feel so gross eating so much and this way.. I feel like I’ve earned my meal. I stopped exercising because I was testing to see how much energy I could actually use safely on my calorie cut. Anyway, these shorts… I use to have to suck in to put on and after being zipped up I would literally spill over the top. I wouldn’t be doing this again if it just weren’t SO effective. 5 days ago these shorts were nearly 2 sizes too small. Now they fit. I don’t know how far this will go, but I had a dream last night that I had my body back. I don’t know who this girl with belly fat, bigger arms and thick thighs was. I felt like I was in another person’s body. I hate to say… that I miss my bones.
I want my body to just eat itself
