#relaps

I don't know if this classifies as an achievement but i have managed to convince even my boyfriend that i am okay. i worded y words in a way that's lovely and believable. i didn't lie, i just twisted the truth and left out certain details.

for example, I told him i ate all three meals today which is true, i just skipped over the part where I threw it all up and took pills.

and no this wasn't because I just wanted to see if he’d buy my half truths, it was because he sent me a message which made me feel like i should start to get better in his eyes because it was starting to negatively impact him.

he wants to fix me and yes he is so patient and supportive and lovely but he has been telling me lately that he hasn't really been performing his best at work and hasn't done much because he’s been feeling demotivated, and he feels demotivated when I don't feel 100% and I felt the need to put on the “look I'm getting better” person suit for him. 

its kind of funny how quickly i can change my attitude from being urgh to yay without it seeming too forced. i guess i got better at it through time.

I need a therapist lol.

Every pay period is a struggle in my household! My husband make pretty good money and we’ve for the most part just halved things between us. We have moved into a new appt thats half the rent that we were paying before and pretty much the same amount of space. ( I found the appt on craigslist when we were in the middle of a break and knew I could afford it on my own. Needless to say that means more money in our pockets and the checks from government with everything that has been going on. ) Slip ups happen and I get that but the amount of times they have happened lately are becoming overbearing for myself. Rent is being paid late because “He had things to take care of.” we came to the decision that i would be the one who handled all money so that not only could we get out of debt, but save and get further in life! I have a goal of owning a two family home ( So someone could pay half out mortgage and still live a comfortable life with our little one. My husband also had a dream of owning a home by the time he turned 30.) The whole handling money we’ve tried before and with that I had rules that came along with it and i still had those rules this time those being 

 Anything that’s bought we need to bring home with a receipt

 Every 3 months we’ll ask bank for a printout of card transactions 

If your asking me for money but can not give me a definite reason why you need it and cant come back with a receipt then its most likely not going to happen

All of those had a reasoning behind them being that way we could track where and what our money is being spent on, if large amounts were unaccounted for without any answers/respites then I could most likely pinpoint where it went - DRUGS 

Sooooo what started the fact that I was going to take over the money is the fact that my husband had 7 WEEKS worth of pay periosds and a government check on top of that and was still unable to come up with his half of rent. ( Half our rent is less then one week of a paycheck! ) I Personally DO NOT like being late on paying rent because we have a little one who depends on us to put a roof over her head and i feel that paying rent is putting her living comfortably at risk and I HATE the idea that we could be asked to leave where we live.

He asked for HIS bank card so he could get a pack of butts and I don’t feel I should have to ask for it back, if he is serious about trying to do what WE need to to get further in life he’d just give it back. Needless to say that’s not what happened! ( Mind you we had child support filed at one point and have yet to cancel it and that infuriates him since we have lived together for a year and still has money taken out of his check to come to the same household! My reasoning is its MY safety if something was to happen/go wrong )

Not last night but the night before he claimed to be tiered, but i know better! when hes standing up and slowly melting/sleeping it’s because hes taken something that’s altered him. His thing is if I have no hard evidence/proof of that I’m just a crazy/ psycho / bitch that needs to just leave him alone. I don’t know how to just leave it seeing as he has tried to get clean more then once in the 5 years we’ve been together. I’ve had to relocate myself and daughter because DCF has been brought into out lives from his actions and ii needed to prove that i was a fit mother for out child. I LOVE this man and I know life is always going to be bumpy! Things truly just suck right now! I don’t know how to make anything better when all my thoughts are so scared of whats going to happen, what could happen but at the same time I’m done just shutting my mouth and standing by like a little wallflower for the sake of my own mental health and what my little one is seeing and not understanding why we are acing the way we are.