But now I need Natasha to bring her team home to meet the fam. I want footage from that awkward dinner:Â
I want Natasha to introduce Steve as âthis is Captain America, my boyfriendâ and when Alexei loses his shit I want her to say âIâm just joking, this is Captain America, the Winter Soldierâs boyfriendâÂ
I want Yelena to gleefully spill that Natasha listened to nothing but the Indigo Girls for all of 1994.
I want Bucky to compliment the food because his mama taught him right and I want Melina to tell him âthank you, I reheated it myselfâ.
Alexei:Â âYou know, the Red Guardian was the best nemesis the people could have asked for. It was backbreaking work. And along comes the Winter Soldier? I donât accept that.â
I want Melina to ask Sam what he does for work.Â
I want Steve to tell Alexei he can be anything he wants to be if he puts his mind to it, even if that someone is Captain Americaâs nemesis that Captain America did not know about but totally would have fought and appreciated if he had.
Alexei:Â âHow do we even know this man is the Winter Soldier, huh? Girls, who is to know? He could be anyone.â Yelena:Â âHe sure could. He could be an underwear model.â
After Yelena reveals that Natasha used to keep her awake because she didnât want to watch the X-Files by herself, I want Natasha to realize there is not enough vodka in the house for this. Natasha: âSam. Sam, why didnât you tell me this was a terrible idea?â Sam: âI did and I take it all back. This is great.âÂ
Alexei: âNemeses AND star crossed lovers? That doesnât even happen.â
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While quite a lot of people knew that Steve (and Billy) had a pet cock by now, not many seemed to understand it. They had both been forced to fend off questions about Phil, and while no one was outright rude, people seemed to be confused about it. A dog or a cat was a pet â maybe a hamster or a budgie â but a cock? Living in a house? It seemed to shake the residents of Hawkins to their cores.
Of course, there were a couple of lovely exceptions. Claudia Henderson was delighted to hear that Steve had gotten a pet (âOh, a pet is such great company, donât you think?â), and Joyce Byers laughed and told them to bring Phil the next time they were over for dinner.
They thought nothing of it, thought she was just being polite, until the day before the monthly dinner at the Byersâ, when Billy was at Melvaldâs to buy smokes and Joyce was ringing him up.
âSo, are you bringing your bird tomorrow?â
For half a second, he thought that she was referring to some kind of girlfriend, which â sheâd seen him make out with Steve in Steveâs car in the parking lot behind the store less than a week ago â but then it clicked, and he smiled at her. âWhat, Phil? No, Mrs Byers, you donât have to worry about that.â
âIâve told you, itâs Joyce!â she said and swatted his arm lightly. âAnd I want you to bring him.â
Billy put his pack of cigarettes in his pocket and watched her with his eyebrows raised. âWhat, really?â
âYeah, I wanna meet him. All the kids have so many stories to tell, I simply have to meet Phil the great and powerful firebird, or whatever they call him.â
âItâs actually Lazarus the Phoenix, in the ⌠in the gameâ, Billy said and blushed bright red when Joyce gave him a knowing look. âBut, uh, if youâre sure?â
âIâm sure. What do birds eat? Should I make him something special?â
Billy scratched at the back of his neck a little awkwardly. âYou donât have to do that. Iâll bring some food for him.â
He had to look away when Joyce beamed at him. âGreat! Iâll see you and Steve tomorrow then â and Phil.â
***
âAre you sure she said it was okay to bring Phil?â Steve said the next day. He was driving, and hesitantly side-eyeing Billy who was in the passenger seat, holding Phil steady in his lap and trying to keep him from eating the bouquet of flowers theyâd bought at the gas station.
âYeahâ, Billy said, putting the flowers on the dashboard and wrapping an arm around Philâs neck to keep him from going after them. âShe seemed excited about it, even.â
âHuhâ, Steve said. And then, after a momentâs thoughtful silence, âJoyce is the best.â
Billy couldnât help but agree. âYeah.â
They got to the Byersâ house early, and were greeted at the door by Will and Lucas, who was already there. Joyce accepted the flowers, cooed over Phil, and when Billy asked if she wanted to hold him, she nodded excitedly. When Phil â who was not exactly used to just being handed over to new people â flapped his wings in discontent, Joyce let go in surprise and they all watched as Phil half fell, half flew onto a nearby table, where he knocked over a porcelain figure of a mouse in a boot. It fell to the floor and broke into a dozen pieces, and Phil jumped in fright but stayed on the table.
No one said anything for a couple of heartbeats, before Steve made a weak âta-daaâ gesture and said, in a slightly unsure voice, âUm, so yeah. Now youâve met Phil? Yay?â
âSorry about your ⌠bootâ, Billy said and bent down to pick up the broken pieces, while Steve grabbed Phil and put him under his arm.
Joyce, like the angel she was, just laughed and waved it away. âOh I hated that thing, donât worry about it. Got it from an aunt that one time. Iâve been keeping it around in the hopes that someone would bump into it eventually. Phil did me a favor, really!â
She went to the closet to get a broom, which Billy took from her hands without a word. She gave him a soft smile and let him clean up the mess without commenting.
âI hope youâre hungry! I made lasagna.â
Joyce wasnât the best cook, but it wasnât the food they were there for. It was the sense of warmth, of familiarity, of being welcome. It was the highlight of Billyâs month â if one didnât count the all the quality time he managed to sneak in with Steve, one on one.
Claudia drove Dustin and Mike over later, and Susan dropped Max off almost at the same time (Joyce went out to exchange a couple of pleasantries with the other mothers). Nancy and Jonathan showed up next, Jonathan having picked her up.
Hopper and El were the last ones to arrive.
And suddenly, it became quite apparent that Joyce had had an ulterior motive, inviting Phil along. Because as soon as Hopper showed up, she grinned at him. Really widely. Like she knew something he didnât. Hopper, wisely, faltered in his step and narrowed his eyes.
âUh, hey Joyce. Whatâs up?â
âHi, Hopâ, she said, and something about her voice made several people look over. She took him by the arm and escorted him into the house. âWe have a special guest here today, whoâs just been dying to meet you.â
âUhâ, Hopper said cleverly. Joyce placed him in the middle of the couch, where he sat all ramrod-straight and looked around the room nervously.
By now, the rest of them had gotten inside too, and were watching Joyce. Because she was clearly planning something. She went into the kitchen, looked around and walked out again. Then she went into the hallway, disappearing from sight. A quiet âaha!â, and soon she was back â struggling to hold a squirming and flapping cock in her hands.
Most of the people in the house were watching Joyce, because it really did look like Phil would escape her grip at any moment â but Billy glanced over at Hopper, and once he did, he couldnât look away.
Because Hopper â at the sight of Phil â went white as a sheet. He stood up so fast he almost lost his balance, and as Billy watched in wonder, Hopper actually backed up onto the couch, and then over it to get to the other side. With a piece of furniture between himself and Joyce-holding-a-bird, he held one hand out and put the other at his side, as if he was itching to draw his gun (which he wasnât wearing, thankfully).
âHey now!â he said, gruffly, but everyone could hear the waver in his voice.
Billy jumped in and plucked Phil from Joyce when it looked like he was going to claw at her, and the bird immediately calmed down. Joyce turned to Hopper, still grinning.
âHave you met Phil?â she said, sweetly.
âHrmâ, Hopper said, not moving from behind the couch â and keeping one eye on the bird in Billyâs arms. âWeâve met.â
âBrieflyâ, Billy added, because now when he thought about, Hopper hadnât exactly seemed thrilled the last time, when heâd pulled Billy over in his car and had Phil as a passenger. âBut I believe proper introductions are in order, donât you?â He took a step closer and got the pleasure to witness Hopper â big, burly Chief of Police Jim Hopper â back into the wall and shake his head.
âNope. No, not at all. Nuh-uh.â
âWhatâs the matter, Hop?â Joyce said, voice like poisoned honey, still grinning. âSomething wrong?â
Hopper looked away from Billy and Phil for long enough to throw a despairing look at her. âCome on Joyce, I said I was sorry!â
âThe spider was as big as my palm, Hop.â
âI killed it for you!â
âAfter you laughed at me for like five minutes.â She leaned in and, seemingly ignoring everyone else in the room, looked Hop dead in the eye. âPaybackâs a bitch, Hop. Now come and say hi to Phil.â
Hopper glanced apologetically at Billy. âNo offence, kid, but no way in hell am I getting close to that thing.â
Joyce laughed, and El frowned. âDonât you like Phil?â She looked almost offended at this. Honestly, Billy could relate.
But Joyce pulled her close by her shoulders and gave her a half-hug. âOh no, honey. Hopâs got ornithophobia.â
âOrnitoâŚ?â
Joyce looked insanely pleased as she turned and gave Hopper another sickly-sweet smile. âHeâs afraid of birds.â
Billy had to bite his lip at that so he wouldnât laugh, and he couldnât look at Steve because Steve was obviously having the same troubles. The kids seemed to still be stuck on whether âornithophobiaâ was a real thing or something Joyce just made up, and Nancy hid a smile behind her hands.
âItâs not funny!â Hopper said, although no one seemed to be agreeing with him.
âItâs a little funnyâ, Joyce said and turned to Will and Mike, who were standing the closest. âDid I ever tell you about the time when Hopper had to deal with that owl who thought that Eleanor Gillespieâs hair was a nest? Iâve never laughed so much in my life.â
âIt was the worst thing that happened to me in Hawkins since I moved hereâ, Hopper grumbled, looking a little red-faced, but taking a couple of steps out from behind the couch. Then he seemed to realize what heâd said. âWell. Until recently, at least.â
âHow can you be afraid of birds?â Max asked, scrunching her face up in a way that made her look simultaneously confused and like she smelled something bad. âTheyâre basically just feathered balloons.â
âLook, kidâ, Hopper said, sounding serious. âI saw âThe birdsâ in the theatre with a buddy of mine when I was their ageâ â here, he pointed a thumb at Billy and Steve, who were still trying hard not to laugh, âand it fucked me up.â
El levelled him with a disappointed stare. âJim. Language.â
âI mean, I got really messed up from it, okay?â He turned to Jonathan, gesturing wildly. âYouâve seen that movie, right? Itâs awful! You know?â
Everyone looked at Jonathan, who looked a little bit uncomfortable to be at the center of attention. But then he cleared his throat, shrugged one shoulder and said, âI donât know, man, I kinda like Hitchâ â He cut himself off, abruptly. Then, with the face of someone who just realized that heâs made a huge mistake, he hesitantly finished, ââcock.â
Hopperâs face fell, Joyce snorted, and Billy laughed until he cried.
(from this prompt list)
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Captured Harry being a little troll (but also BAMF??) (but still more crack than BAMF) â PART 1
âYears, Potter â years you have spent trying to elude me, foolishly attempting to evade me and my army. And yet, after all this â after all the trouble you took to run away, all the lives you wasted (worthless blood traitors and mudbloods that they were), you finally kneel before me, chained up like the worthless dog you are!â
âAll right, first of all, itâs âmy army and Iâ, not âme and my armyâ â seriously, I know you hated Dumbledore in school and were looking into the future prematurely to the greater things you were meant for blah blah blah but could you not have picked up a bit of grammar to use in your future Evil Monologues? And secondly, you say Iâm a worthless dog, but you also said you spent years trying to get to me, so I canât be that worthless unless youâre equally worthless, or just dumb, and...â
â*muttering* I knew I should have waited to kill the old fool, a senile rival I can deal with, puts them on par with me, but noooooooo, Severus and the Peacock of Bad Faith make some comments, and I leave the blasted boy to be mentored by McGonagall and that mudblood Granger, and I canât even kill him because of that bloody soul piece...CRUCIO!!
âReally? So unimaginative, and besides, I lived with Mad-Eye at Order headquarters for years, of course Iâm resistant to that one!!â
Lord Voldemort (barely) bit back a scream.
"Dutiful Syncophant #6 â whatâs your name again? â right, Peacock, take him to the dungeons NOW!â
i was so excited for the cold after this shitty fucking Mediterranean Summer(tm) and i left both the window and the balcony door open for that extra chill and i LOVED it but now i am blowing my entire nervous system out through my nose
In this moment I regret picking Judge Dredd as the comic to write my MA thesis on. I have a week left and Iâm lost in the aestheticization of politics and fascism and the information of ten years of reading Judge Dredd is just confusing my poor little overworked brain.