#regainingcontrol

“Fuck this shit!” Liam cursed as he stormed across his room, kicking a stray cushion as he did, sending it harmlessly into the wall. He felt the lack of anti-climax in nothing breaking but only briefly; the anger him. “Why am I the one always suffering?! I did nothing wrong and it’s me who takes all the pain. Me who has to deal with all the fallout. Me that loses everything… AGAIN!”

With a roar of frustration he swung an arm out at his bedside table, catching a lamp and knocking it to the floor where it shattered in a much more satisfactory manner.

Liam was angry. It was a rage that had been steadily building up in him over the year or so, ever since he found out his fiancé had been cheating on him for six months. In one fell swoop he’d lost his heart, his home, his future and, most importantly, his hope. For six more months he had kept that anger buried and he still had to live with her; swallowing his pride each day to make life that little bit more bearable. He knew if he unleashed that rage and let her known his true feeling she could make his life hell whilst he was still there… and would probably make getting any money back from their flat impossible. And he was damn if he was going to let that happen… it wasn’t really about that money… he just wanted to come out of this whole thing with something.

After all, she was still going to get to keep the flat, keep her new relationship, disregard him like a used condom and move on the next one. He felt used, he felt cheated, he felt sad and lonely, but mostly he felt angry.

“That little bitch… She cheats, she ends things and it’s me that’s suffering…”

Despite this, through all his hurt, he still felt some kind of longing for her. In his mind he still pictured her held in his arms, walking together hand in hand, but lurking in the shadows he was always standing, always watching, in Liam’s mind he was just waiting for his time to strike…

Eventually Liam had moved back home, he told himself he was in the process of buying a new flat to live in so he thought this would only be a short-term deal, not a step back or a win for her. The flat fell through this morning…

“FUCK!”

It wasn’t just the frustration of it all that was getting to him. His anger and sense of injustice was deep but what was really frightening him, what kept him up and night and left him on the edge, was the empty void that appeared to be stretching out in front of him. Where once there was a future and happiness, now there was nothing. At all. He felt like his life had become aimless and meaningless. His hope was slowly draining.

Anger draining now he felt exhausted, he rubbed his eyes in fatigued… he couldn’t really remember the last time he slept soundly through the night. Tears were welling up now, the other shoe had dropped. He’d spent so many nights thinking back, wondering where thinks had gone wrong. Could he have done something different? What was wrong with him?

“I am so tired of regretting…”

His parents were sitting worriedly downstairs… he’s vented his frustrations before, but this was different. He’d never let loose his anger like this. His father took his mother’s hand to comfort her.

“Perhaps this is a good thing,” he said. “Maybe he’s finally working through it.”

Liam fell back onto his bed. Mind still haunted by the ghosts of the past; like an unwanted tenant renting space in his head. He desperately wanted her evicted… how long could he hold hands with a dead relationship?

“Christ… what is wrong with me?” he asked himself, the tears now falling down the sides of his face, soaking the duvet. This was the first time he’d cried since it happened. “What is wrong with me?”

A brief flare up of anger saw him slam his fist down on the bed.

“When did I become this?! Just a shell of misery and regrets… When did I let me future slip away…”

In his mind he started to walk away from her… his arms raising with hers as their hands stayed clasps as she stood still. He was walking forwards now; he’s thoughts went in that direction too. The tears still fell, forming small patches on the bedding, but it felt like the hurt was also draining from him. He’d never taken the time to grief his loss.

“I’ve let her lies and deception consume my life… for so long… what happened to all my dreams?”

He’d always wanted to be a writer… But when he thought about it that dream had ended when he’d begun to date her. She had taken up a lot of his time to keep her happy, and she had never really encouraged him to do much but try and earn lots of money so she could stay at home…

“That’s not my way… to wallow in self-pity… to abandon my dreams to keep someone else happy. To sacrifice it all for someone who gave nothing back…”

Something was changing in his mind, realisation was setting in.

“This is not my path… it was never my path…”

In his mind his and her arms were at full stretch, hands still touching but slowly he was pulling away as she stood still. In the shadows, he watched with a smile on his face… but it didn’t seem to bother Liam as much now.

“It should never by anyone’s path…”

Her hand was sliding out from his… fingers now brushing over each other. He still smiled, but his eyes gave away a brief moment of concern. It wasn’t meant to be like this… She was still looking forward at a man who was no longer looking back. Why wasn’t she looking at him? He was the one she’d chosen.

Words seemed to form in Liam’s mind. He wasn’t sure where they came from…

Burn the dead. Cleanse the soul. Take back what is yours. You will not be made to suffer.

“Yes…” Liam spoke aloud. “I shouldn’t suffer any more… It’s take to take control. Time to move forward…”

He blinked as he lay on the bed. The tears had stopped falling… in his mind he had pulled away, her hand was by her side, as was his as he walked on. He looked concerned. But Liam wasn’t, when he looked back he saw things in a new light. They were never meant to work; they were too different and he was sacrificing too much.

No more; time to regain his life. First thing in the morning he will look for flats to rent, get his independence back. And then… well then the world was his…

The words repeated in his mind:

Burn the dead. Cleanse the Soul. Take back what is Yours. You will not be made to Suffer.