#reflectivepost

This post originally started as an exploration of what #ImposterSyndrome was and how I thought I'd experienced it. Last year I chose to do a post reflecting on how I'd progressed from the original in 2021 and I thought, why not do a 3rd?

This post originally started as an exploration of what Imposter Syndrome was and how I thought I’d experienced it. Last year I chose to do a post reflecting on how I’d progressed from the original in 2021 and I thought, why not do a 3rd? This is a NSFW post, I swear a lot. So what’s the definition of ‘imposter syndrome’? From good old Wikipedia: Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor…

I am once again to compare my work at the University of Hertfordshire to what I had to do during my Software Engineering studies at the University of Alicante. The difference is that I am not going to be comparing the amount of workload, the absence or existence of exams nor even the quality of the programs - both have been so far excellent - because today I would like to reflect on the difference between creative and more pragmatic work. This is a problem I found that I never thought I would during my high school or my bachelor's: creative burnout.

I did feel burnt about many things, of course, the amount of work was significant, and the nights spent awake more than I can remember, but I felt like I could always brute-force myself through the workload. After all, the projects we were tasked with more often than not were more about understanding or working on problems than about creating new ideas, or projecting them onto a creative environment. Of course, programming has many creative requirements, as every new program or function will probably need some ingenious way to solve it - especially if you do not want to botch it and get it optimized - and to some extent so is 3D Modelling. Creating a mesh, following the topology and keeping it clean, creating optimized UV maps... But I had never had this type of burnout before coming to 3D.

On the other hand, I have found myself more capable of spending a large amount of time modelling without feeling mentally exhausted. Yes, I am tired, but I feel like this is something I enjoy more. But then, why is this the way it is? I am guessing my creative muscles are perhaps not as developed as my hard studying muscles, something we have been designed for since primary school. I also never took any creative kind of studies, so perhaps there is some kind of technique I am yet to learn - although seeing my classmates' amount of hard work I thoroughly doubt it.

I chose to come to this topic as one of the last ones as I knew it would come eventually, so I decided to wait until I was immersed in one of these episodes to finally come and reflect on this. The current status is that I have a long project coming - the Bioshock scene - that at the moment is almost on halt. Both due to the literary work and research, and to myself finding excuses to work on other things. This happened last time with my bachelor's thesis, but in this case, there is no way for me to wait for it to go, or focus on other pieces until I can resume normal activity. I guess the reason also has to do with the festivities being close and thus coming back to Spain. I am a bit worried about how the workflow will be affected so I have been spending an increased amount of time working to try and catch up.

The ways I have been trying to use to avoid this block and keep on working have been multiple, so I am going to reflect on each of them and try to rate the effectivity they have caused on me. Starting with simply dedicating time to unrelated topics. I have recovered hobbies that do not feel like wasting time. These are specifically playing the piano and learning Japanese. Although both had been present these last months, the hours I have dedicated to them has skyrocketed during these last weeks. It has got me motivated back, unfortunately not on the project, but these hobbies themselves.

Another way I have tried to battle through burnout is just following what I felt like doing, within the project of course. This may seem obvious, but when working it is very important to focus on schedules, so it could be counterproductive in the long term. This has worked to an extent. Thanks to this I learnt how to do Houdini seaweed simulations, and I have advanced on different topics within the general project. For now, I believe I will continue working this way.

Lastly, as a final way to recover motivation, I tried break days. The problem is that I did not dispose of that amount of free time to use, and even when I dedicated a few days to myself just enjoying whatever I felt like doing, the environment of work that is present - being almost deadline time - and the fact that I felt guilty during this vacation time, made this option impossible. There is no way to fully disconnect yourself from the work.

Then, what I have learnt about this experience is that I am a person that needs change during work. I need to do different things, they can be related to the same topic, but working on a single asset for several days in a row in the same software can burn me. To combat this I believe we are somewhat lucky. The different workflows and the necessity of smaller projects within a big one can keep the days interesting. For example, for the Bioshock Scene I have divided it between three main smaller sets:

Indoor 1: The living room.

Indoor 2: The tunnel.

Outdoor

As described by the Oxford English Dictionary:

Cohesion, n. /kəʊˈhiːʒən/

The action or condition of cohering; cleaving or sticking together; spec. the force with which the molecules of a body or substance cleave together; cf. attraction n. of cohesion. (Oxford English Dictionary, 2020)

Cohesion can be a property of many different fields. Such could be the way a text is formatted, or perhaps how much sense makes subdomains of a webpage between them. And in terms of Game Design, it could be defined as how well different elements in a world connect. This can be both visually, with similar art styles and level of detail, or conceptually, if these elements make sense within the same universe. As such is one of the most important concepts behind Game Design and Art, for with it, comes believability. A good example of cohesion could be the game, Hollow Knight.

Within Hollow Knight, every sub-area has different colour palettes, but all of them fit together. The art style follows a set of rules that it does not break, maintaining a balance between cartoon and shaded elements. And most importantly, the world reacts to what happens. Elements such as grass, poles or platforms react with the player - and other characters - entering into contact.

Team Cherry (2020)

Why I chose this game as an example is because it has one of the strongest senses of cohesion I can think of. Although all these attributes previously mentioned help sell the feeling of being in this world, it is the little storytelling situations that make it shine. This could be just the interactions that happen offscreen, such as characters changing zones, or things happening to them while the user is currently elsewhere, but it can be taken further by details and small pieces of lore that are given by the surroundings.

Cohesion can seem easy and obvious. Building a world requires it. But at the same time, there is a great amount of effort that needs to be put for it to work. Incoherencies are difficult to solve, even more, when the development is way on its latest phase. So to keep an eye on your storytelling and how everything comes together is a must early on in the development. Then comes the problem that, if working on big teams, not everybody can be fully aware of how the rest of the world is set. It is very important to work with concepts and set a story in stone before starting working on the final project. Some space for manoeuvring has to exist, but then having everything set down could make it feel like there is no room for creativity. Then it becomes an issue of balancing and I think it is out of the scope of what this text aims to reflect on.

Having stated how important cohesion is, the next step was to analyse how I work and how Cohesive it is. In my work, I often aim for realism, so the style is checked. But the problem comes from consistency. I consider myself a sensitive person in terms of mood. How I feel affects the result of my work, and as mentioned in a previous post I try to use music to lean my mood towards the desired point. But then it results in different amounts of detail depending on the moment I did a certain prop or the time I had to create it. It is normal to a certain extent but I would like to work further into that aspect of myself. My guess right now is that I need to work on my technical abilities. Creating an object within my normal abilities is simpler. The final prop may not be of the highest quality but it is more often than not, good enough. But when I try to push myself, to achieve the amount of detail and realism needed for the industry, that is where my inconsistencies come.

This semester's project, a Bioshock Scene, is in danger of falling into that. Having some props more detailed than others. Suffering from incoherencies. So my objective is to keep a high level of coherence. To be able to look at this scene and say that everything fits. Telling a story with the surroundings that fit with other props and that feels in the same world.

Oxford English Dictionary (2020). Cohesion, n. [Online] Available at: https://www.oed.com/view/Entry/35943?redirectedFrom=cohesion#eid [Accessed: 04 December 2021]

The first time I heard about Networking was during my last year at high school. Some alumni came to give talks on their respective professions and degrees, something that struck me was when it was time for the technology-related alumni to speak they emphasised strongly the concept of Networking. For me, the chances to be successful when applying for a job were first and foremost affected by your studies and previous work. So Networking felt like cheating. A quick way to a job that - yes, I was prepared to do - but that was quicker, going over other applicants.

And it took me some time to understand the real concept behind it. And how I would describe Networking right now is quite different to how I would have done it then. Now that I have worked with people I understand the value of knowing how another person works. Even if it is by references, having a guarantee of someone’s work can be the deciding factor.

Another of the advantages of Networking is the fact that no matter how good you are, you have to be noticed, and Networking can provide that. But then the question is on how do you Network.

Specifically in the Game Art industry, it is a bit tricky. Jobs, I believe, are got by portfolios and references, not by where nor what you studied. It is true that some universities or degrees can offer to a certain extent some guarantees, but preparing - and getting people to know - your portfolio is a must. For these, some websites can prove very useful, such as building your network on ArtStation, where you can properly show breakdowns of your work, or giving feedback on other people’s work on polycount. Both things I am yet to properly explore.

The reason why is that, for me, I still don’t have the proper abilities and takes a certain amount of time that feels wasted, as for now, I cannot apply for jobs. And I know that this is dragging me down. The time I do not spend on creating this kind of breakdown will have to be double in the future, when I need to apply for internships and will have forgotten the creation process. Which will be very soon.

Event participation is another type of Networking. Thankfully there are many different events designed to get new artists known. These could be the closer Search of a Star competition, by Grads in Games, or The Rookies. And until recently I had not understood the importance of such events either. But they are an excellent way to get recruiters to know you.

Having therefore explored this topic, I consider that Networking is more valuable - and has nothing to do with cheating - than I had previously thought. My objective is to get known, to show and prove that my abilities are worth having. So it is only natural that the next step will be working on those things I lack. Starting with breakdowns of my most resourceful projects on ArtStation, bringing them to LinkedIn, and ending by joining those competitions and events that seem more appealing to my needs.

One last important thing not to forget is Networking with those you are close with. Those will be your most valuable partners. After all, they know you, you know them and have worked together before. They will be the ones that will understand and value your feedback the most, so proving yourself valuable, not only as a working resource but as a person is a must. After all, working with someone with whom you cannot get along can be more difficult than having to work with someone whose skills are not at the same level.

This text originates on the Critical Analysis for this same course. We had a tutorial trying to review a draft of our final text when I encountered something I was not expecting. My paper of choice was titled Chihiro Boards a Train: Perceptual Modulation in the Films of Studio Ghibli, it was written by Kate Weedy (2018) and published on the FORUM: University of Edinburgh Postgraduate Journal of Culture & The Arts, a peer-reviewed journal for students in their postgraduate. The text talked about how when Chihiro, in the movie Spirited Away boards the train, Miyazaki chooses not to skip the journey, but rather sets a very slow passed scene about the journey. This moment does not bring any new information but to the viewer stays as one of the more memorable scenes.

This journal article then focuses on answering why this creative choice was done, explaining in detail the abstraction from reality due to the blurriness caused by the train movement. She then referenced Schivelbusch and LaMarre, two known doctors and specialists on - respectively - Cultural Studies and East Asian Languages and Civilizations. For all that I had been taught this document had all, an authoritative source should have a Peer-reviewed article, published in a well-established journal, with known sources, by a person who is specialized in the field. But that is when everything starts to fall apart.

It turns out that I am at the same level as she was when the article was published: studying a Master's. This text was first published when K. Weedy was still coursing her MSc in American Literature at the University of Edinburgh. I of course had not noticed. During all my studies, Master's Thesis' texts were from highly specialized studies, so using them as sources was reasonable. Another problem this source had was that although - in my opinion - K. Weedy had created a well written, backed by competent sources article, it was her only one. So I had none of her other publications to contrast and check for her opinion and being able to defend her work by her other projects.

This caused me to reflect on where I was and what I was studying. After all, I am not the same person I was 5 years ago, nor I am the same as I was even 3 months ago. I believe this feeling of not having changed, not mastering something, comes from my background. I coursed my high-school senior year on Technological Sciences back in Spain. This meant Math, Physics, Technical Drawing and Technology Studies as main optional subjects. Of these, I only got to explore further Maths and a bit of Physics when I started Software Engineering (Ingeniería Multimedia), for the main as the main focus was programming. Then the last year of the Degree I chose to take my Thesis on something that was somewhat unrelated to this degree: 3D Modelling. Computer Graphics has a very intense presence on my degree in Spain. As such we had a subject called Computer Animation and Modelling, designed to support our programming on OpenGL or other 3D Graphic Computing programming interfaces. As our Thesis had to be based on one - or more - subjects we had studied, I could develop a 3D project.

So here I was, starting almost from scratch again. So that is why I believe it is hard for me to feel like I master something. Even more when this is a field that is on constant improvement and renewing. Discovering new ways to create and new technologies to use. And although it is not true though, when reflecting I now know that I have grown very much professionally compared to who I was before starting my undergraduate, this feeling is still there.

That is why I started this text, to get to better understand myself and how to work on my methodologies. I believe that even though I have portraited these changes of careers as negatives, these two fields are very well connected. This I know thanks to a close friend of mine who, similarly to what I did, coursed Software Engineering to later focus on East Asian Studies. This is further true regarding software. Nowadays everything is automated, so having these coding skills will help us out no doubt. For example, I have used scripting for procedural modelling.

So this is my conclusion. Studying and learning will never be useless. Several fields mix different fields that are usually thought incompatible - Biomedical Engineering comes to mind - and even if they are not directly related, it will always help you to understand your colleges of other fields better, and to get a greater way to approach problems. Then I will continue to do so, to be curious and get to explore new subjects and ideas.

Getting to this conclusion helped me, as when you deviate from the main path it may seem like you are wasting your time, but now I can better understand that it will help me grow and develop other talents that probably will be of use at some point.

One of the best moments when creating a project is entering the zone. This is often known as the flow too and it can be applied to many different kinds of work, not strictly to creative ones.

The zone is the feeling of being wholly focused on your task. Completely unaware of the surroundings - to a certain extent - and just working on the process. It is often discussed on artists, such as a painter who is immersed in their project, but it can happen to other professions such as software engineers. While on this process, you can feel the links between everything you are doing. But being disturbed and therefore taken out of it can be infuriating for some people.

In this post, I would like to talk then about how music can affect this zone. How can introduce you easier into it and how it can change and influence your work. I almost always work with music. It helps me concentrate and while it does not always get me into the zone it makes a difference on me, mainly on my mood. The type of music matters too. For me, the main thing to take into account is the mood and the lyrics. Preferably no lyrics. Lyrics of a song you know when studying can be sometimes distracting, resulting in the complete opposite of the desired objective.

One of the most common types of music nowadays is LoFi[1]. This has become a cultural phenomenon for unexpected reasons. Taking from Hip Hop, it started as a repetitive, beat-based type of music. Lo-Fi works on what Svetlana Boym (2002) defines as "reflective nostalgia", a set of very specific memories of the listener's childhood (Emma Winston, Laurence Saywood, 2019). This would link to other styles of music also used for studying, such as games or film OST. [2] These often have clear leitmotivs that can produce memories and are easy to listen to, as they rarely have any lyrics. [3] What is more, game music is usually designed for keeping the player's attention and making them focus on the game, so it is too a great fit.

Curiously, music can affect the result too. Not on the quality but rather different genres of music can affect the creative process. For example, when working on an environment piece, listening to calm and relaxing music can - at least to me - result in a quieter and sere scene, while having stronger music such as hard electronic or dubstep can result in a faster rate of work but more chaotic and less organized. Knowing this I prepare what music I know would fit better to a certain project beforehand. It sometimes does not work, as my mood also changes throughout the day, and working with music I am not feeling like can prove difficult, but it helps more often than not. For example, for this end-of-semester project, I am working on a Bioshock scene. Bioshock is a game located in the 1960s, so having its soundtrack can help me feel more inside the project, and results come out easier.

All of this is of course subjective and difficult to talk about without further investigation into the topic. Talking with my colleges I have learnt that not all of them share the same kind of feeling towards music. Some of them rarely work with music, while others cannot without it.

[1] Lofi hip hop, named for its producers’ deliberate introduction of “low fidelity,” analogue-style sonic imperfections into their digitally produced tracks, is a musical genre traceable to the mid-2010s which has stylistic roots in the 1990s instrumental or experimental hip hop. The genre enjoys particular popularity on the video platform YouTube, where 24/7 live streams and curated Lo-Fi hip hop mixes are broadcasted by numerous channels (Emma Winston, Laurence Saywood, 2019).

[2] Original Soundtrack

[3] For example, Nintendo, Lord of the Rings, or Studio Ghibli are among the most listened to on YouTube. I assume that it is similar because of their nostalgia effect as well as their simplicity.

Svetlana Boym, SB. (2002) The Future of Nostalgia. Illustrated edition Basic Books.

When working on a national level it is easy to forget how used English is worldwide. After all, you can maintain a casual life without the need of even hearing a word in it. But this is slowly changing. Taking my field as an example, finding information in your native language is getting harder and harder. The programs are often translated, but if you decided you would like to learn how to do a certain action - perhaps by finding a tutorial on YouTube - you would soon notice how lacking the community is. Well, until you decide to do the same search in English.

This happens too with academic papers. You can find some of the common ones, or perhaps research from your own country, translated or written in your language, but once you need more specific information you have to go to English. Similarly, keeping up with recent discoveries and discussions is easier when you have English as your tool.

And even though English is only the most spoken language by a small fraction compared to Chinese, the second on the list - a difference of around 20% (Ethnologue, 2021)- almost all discussions happen in English. This has resulted in the question of whether English is the language of Globalism being pondered by linguists from all around the world (Hartmut Haberland, 2009). There are several ups and downsides of English being this global communication tool. The most important upside is the ability to communicate with a large population, after all our economy and society is based on the movement of information (Lieven D’hulst, 2016). But with it, some downsides also come.

Some linguists argue that Globalism, specifically the expansion of the English language, can result in the loss of many smaller ones (Nina Strochlic, 2018). An example could be Gottscheerisch, a language from south Slovenia, where only a few thousand speakers are still present. This can also result in the loss of local words being substituted by Anglicisms[1]. An example of my own language could be 'Parking' a word used by Spaniards as a car park instead of its own (Aparcamiento). Even though the meaning in English is not that Spanish people often use it that often that it can be found in Spanish newspapers (20minutos, 2021).

Another downside could be the loss of intellectual argument styles. There are several differences based on education, language and country. (Dirk Siepmann, 2006) Johan Galtung discusses this in the article (Johan Galtung, 1981), comparing four of the most important intellectual styles and approaches to communication. When discussing in English, or even just by the process of studying it, speakers can be forced to adapt to a certain way of discussion, thus losing different and enriching ways to view arguments.

Another problem is the raising bar that is affecting all professions. As time goes on the technical requirements of jobs, such as having a degree, rise exponentially. English nowadays is mandatory to be able to access the majority of the market. Becoming a mandatory skill to have in many institutions such as graduating from University in Spain.

I am not sure what to take for this. I am very glad I had the opportunity to learn English when I was younger, as it has opened so many doors to me - including this Master studies. But I can also acknowledge how hard learning a language can be. We could be missing some of the greatest doctors or engineers due to their inability to speak English, but at the same time not knowing the language would make cooperation way more difficult, perhaps even losing some information on the translation by thirds.

Perhaps if another language designed for this user such as Esperanto had taken off, getting into this global community would have been easier, but we have to work with what we are given, and I am very glad I got to grow so much professional and personally thanks to English.

[1] Use of English words in a non-English language.

Ethnologue(2021). What are the top 200 most spoken languages? [online] Ethnologue.com. Available at https://www.ethnologue.com/guides/ethnologue200

Hartmut Haberland(2009). ENGLISH – THE LANGUAGE OF GLOBALISM? [online] sdu.dk. Available at https://www.sdu.dk/-/media/files/om_sdu/institutter/isk/forskningspublikationer/rask/rask+30/hartmut+haberland+1745.pdf

Lieven D’hulst(2016). *After Globalism? *[online] muse.jhu.edu. Available at https://muse.jhu.edu/article/632218/pdf

Nina Strochlic(2018). The Race to Save the World's Disappearing Languages. [online] nationalgeographic.com. Available at https://www.nationalgeographic.com/culture/article/saving-dying-disappearing-languages-wikitongues-culture

20minutos(2021). El irónico cartel que le dejaron a un coche en un garaje: "¿Necesita una plaza de 'parking' o una pista de aterrizaje?". [online] 20minutos.es. Available at https://www.20minutos.es/gonzoo/noticia/4603774/0/el-ironico-cartel-que-le-dejaron-a-un-coche-en-un-garaje-necesita-una-plaza-de-parking-o-una-pista-de-aterrizaje/

Dirk Siepmann(2006). Academic Writing and Culture: An Overview of Differences between English, French and German. [online] erudit.org. Available at https://www.erudit.org/fr/revues/meta/2006-v51-n1-meta1129/012998ar/

It is always easy to work the way you know, the way you think is the fastest. This mostly works, as everything gets done, the results are there. But getting used to a workflow, while useful, can sometimes be inefficient. Mostly by crippling your willingness to learn any other - often newer - workflow. More importantly in this industry, where new things have to be learnt practically every day, being able to open your mind to these new ways to approach your work is very important.

This getting to know different ways to approach a problem has often been hard for me. I enjoy having the ability to solve a problem, and once I have worked up my way there I find it hard to learn a new way to do it. Mainly because there is always a little voice in your head telling you all the deadlines and things you have to do, so it feels that spending your time on learning instead of the results themselves is a waste. I have been proven time and again that this is not true, that some workflows help you speed up the process in the long run. So I want to dedicate this text to the different ways I use - and newer yet to test approaches - to force myself to continue improving.

The first obvious one is contacting other people in your field. This may be more challenging for some people than for others. It is often portrayed that those who work around us should be seen as rivals rather than partners. This can have some basis, after all, that person could take your job, reach that promotion... But in my opinion, this is fundamentally flawed. While you have to know who to trust - some people really will step on you on their way up - most of your colleges are in the same situation as you are, so helping each other brings the whole group up.

This is based on my experience while in college. Since then asking others about how to do things has become my normal. It has been true in the UH too. I have found myself surrounded by very capable people who - more importantly - are willing to help and share their knowledge. Not necessarily in return, but I also feel more incited to help them, so this way we all together reach levels that perhaps we could not individually.

Another way I have found very useful in keeping up to date with the industry's newest software. Not by downloading everything and giving it a try but rather by watching other people's work and how this software has helped them achieve those results. A good example could be the online magazine 80.lv (Creating an Abandoned Tunnel in Maya, Substance & UE5, 2021). They provide thousands of articles about professionals' workflows, with the software they use and often breakdowns of the process. Very useful to get to know newer software and get a direction.

While motivation should not be a source of work, and I always try to work based on consistency, it is always useful to remind us why we chose what we did. The 3D art industry is very driven by its community. So even creating and consuming content about it will always be useful.

Lastly, I think taking a step back and writing which parts of your process take more time can be useful. For example, before knowing how to work well on Substance Designer I used to spend a lot of time just merging textures, for everyone was a different material. This took ages, as for every single texture and map I would have to open Photoshop and crop and merge them. I did not know any better, and if a college of mine had not shown me I would not have changed it.

There are some moments where you take for granted that what you are doing is all right, that it is the most optimized workflow, so taking a look from afar and analysing how the process is and on which you spend the most time can be very valuable. Unfortunately, these tips come with experience and by chance. So you might spend a lot of time on a certain way because even if you have tried to look for it online or among your partners you might not have found the answer. But it is still very useful to know which things to look for just in case.

Some other ideas I would like to try for new workflows are automation and trying to get to know how to do some processes easier. This would help not only in terms of speed but as a general process on how to optimize my work and lose the least time possible. When you are in the flow getting stopped by a barrier that gets you to wait can be hurting your focus.

Another thing that I am yet to try is deep-diving into the program before starting working on it. A friend of mine suggested this idea. As an example, we have Substance Designer, a node-based program. Instead of going in and trying to hope for the best and try to discover how it goes, try reading the documentation and understand how to work with it. This really would help to know the reach and capabilities of a program before even starting using it. Then when introducing it into your workflow, the number of times that I would have to stop and check things would be greatly reduced.

In a summary: getting to learn new workflows is very important. It is easy to get stuck in a way of thought and we should do our best to break out of what we are used to. There are several ways to do so, but the ones I find most useful are contacting other people in your field, checking news and breakdowns of new software and taking a step back to analyse your process. On the other hand, there are newer approaches I would like to study, such as automation or deep diving into documentation.

80.lv (2021). Creating an Abandoned Tunnel in Maya, Substance & UE5. [online] 80.lv. Available at https://80.lv/articles/creating-an-abandoned-tunnel-in-maya-substance-ue5