#reexplore

A few months ago I found out my ex-girlfriend was having sexual encounters with another person. She was my first “the one”. You may know what I am talking about- everything about our dynamic worked like top-notch wonders. Sex was mutually selfless. Something i’ll get into in another post.

What makes me see her as “the one” was how unique and special it all felt. The romance, the sex, our interaction. The sex is so important. We try not to give it too much importance in fear of appearing like that’s the only thing we care about. Yet it has such a powerful impact - it felt so unique and special- I can only describe the twisted-stomach feeling as betrayal. 

First of all I am not condemning her for her actions- once we had broken up we were free to look for other partners. We had broken-up because we had started doing long-distance and it wasn’t working out- In my eyes there was always the possibility of getting back together- in her eyes I thought it was the same. She went through some rough times in my absence and one of her coping mechanisms was getting involved with someone. Romantically and sexually. 

So this betrayal feeling takes life because to me, my sexuality- my sexual desires, what I REALLY wanted from my sexual life was exclusively her. In my time away I never went on a date, I never hit on another girl. I won’t lie, I did get curious, I did have fantasies with other women. But when push came to shove (One evening I did get a text from a new cute girl asking me if I was DTF- She was direct- it would have been the perfect moment for me to explore sex without having a strong emotional attachment. I wasn’t able to bring myself to do it. I saw it as a slap to the face to what our sexuality meant to both of us. At this point in time we were already separated because of the distance- so I did have the right... But I was convinced I’d rather keep what I had with her- even if it was on hiatus. To me it had always been on hiatus.

When I got the news (fortunately from her before someone else) that she was seeing someone else- It was a hard blow. That I was so adamant to not violate was exclusively ours. To me it was sacred. And to her it was disposable. 

There are lots of things going on in her life which made her feel that way- it wasn’t something she had always felt. The betrayal attacks me every time I think about moving forward. I have a hard time feeling like I want to get involved with anyone else. I think I should. I think it’s unfair to me to wait for her to see if she would want to get back. I think she still has the interest, but the timing is extremely poor. So instead I want to be able to liberate my sexuality- to not let it remain tied to her. 

I could go to a bar- hookup with the first girl I notice to be interested. I’m not even sure If I have got the ‘moves’ to make that happen. I don’t even like bars... I don’t think I can force a meaningful sexual encounter. So instead I am re-exploring my sexuality. I am taking a new look- particularly focused on my own pleasure. That’s what this blog is about. It’s about playing around- sharing with others what I find and what I enjoy and getting to hear from others too. It’s my way of dealing with this feeling of betrayal. It’s my way of untangling the unreturned devotion I have for my ex- with my sexuality.