#redwinterxwhitewolf

it   was    late    &   it    had    taken   her    longer    than   normal    to    get   clover    to    actually   fall    asleep    .    reading    some   book    about    a    mouse    on   a    boat    ---   avoiding    the    topic   of    it    being   christmas    tomorrow    ,    feeling    very   despondent    about    the   holiday    .    she   hated    getting    clovers   hopes    up    &   then    not    being   able    to    pull   through    &    that   didn’t    change    this   time    around    ,    not    having   any    financial    means   to    buy    her   all    the    toys   she    had    talked   about    over    the   last    few    months   .    she    felt   like    a    failure   as    a    mother   ,    not    being   able    to    give   her    the    traditions    of   the    holiday    like   all    kids    deserved   .    she    tiptoed   her    way    downstairs    with   a    small    bag   ---    a    handmade   sweater    for    clover   &    some    mittens   to    match    .    it    was   all    she    could   manage    &    rebecca   had    been    so   kind    to    give   her    the    wool   yarn    for    the   project    .    she   wanted    to    sneak   it    under    the   tree    &    to   hopefully    see    james   .    she    could   tell    she    was   growing    more    &   more    fond    of   him    ,    subconsciously    checking   her    reflection    in   a    hallway    mirror   as    she    thought   about    how    she   was    going    to   approach    him    tonight   .    she    enjoyed   his    company    ---   it    was    warm   &    inviting    &   there    was    something   SAFE    about    it   ---    their    little   conversations    over    late   night    coffee    ,    sneaking    downstairs    to   watch    his    late   night    tv    with   him    ,    &   on    occasion    taking   him    back    to   bed    .    there   was    something    about   being    tangled    within   each    other    ,    being    VULNERABLE    ,    that    made   her    feel    completely    at   ease    .    the   way    he    moved   in    &    around   her    was    anything   but    SELFISH    .    he    treated   her    body    like   a    puzzle    he   was    DETERMINED    to   solve    ,    investigating    every   curve    of    her   flesh    ,    taking   note    of    everything    he   did    that    made   her    melt    &   tremble    beneath    him   so    he    could   do    it    again   the    next    time   .    she    didn’t   have    to    think   or    worry    when   he    was    inside   her    &    she   valued    that    sense   of    calm    .    not    to   mention    there    was   a    feeling    of   security    that    came   with    being    wanted   or    desired    &   bucky    had    wanted   her    .    but   there    was    clearly   so    much    more   to    him    than   just    his    physical   capabilities    &    that’s   the    part    that   scared    her    .    falling    ,    knowingly    ,    head    over   heels    for    someone   she    nearly    felt   DEPENDENT    on    .    what    if   he    didn’t    feel   the    same    ?    what    if   things    didn’t    work   out    ?    what   was    she    supposed   to    do    ?    she    couldn't   afford    to    take   risks    right    now   ---    not    with   clover    finally    having   a    safe    place   to    sleep    .    but    how   could    she    tiptoe   around    the    blossoming    feelings   she    had    ?    how    could   she    bury    them   ?                ‘    james   ?    ’                she    called   to    him    from   the    staircase    ,    her    ears   perking    up    to   the    sound    of   christmas    music    playing   from    the    tv   .    maybe    he   didn’t    hear    her   over    the    sound   of    nat    king   cole    singing    the   first    noel    .    when   she   entered    the    living   area    it    looked   like    santa    threw   up    all    over   the    place    ---   reds    &    greens   &    golds    all   over    ---    but   it    was    the   TREE    that    caught   her    attention    &   the    man    beneath   it    ,    seemingly   focused    on    the   placement    of    the   gifts    he    was   setting    up    .    there    was   something    about    the   way    the    tree   lights    caressed    his   features    ,    highlighting    his   face    in    a    way    that   made    him    look   like    some    kind   of    painting    ---   the    gold    lights   creating    a    halo   of    sorts    around   his    dark    hair   .    she    couldn’t   help    but    smile   ,    her    arms   folding    across    her   chest    as    she   leaned    against    the   wall    .    she   could    watch    him   this    way    for   hours    .    it   seemed    like    he   was    truly    in   his    element    .    she    chose   not    to    interrupt   him    ,    moving   into    the    kitchen   to    grab    something   to    drink    instead   .    she    opened   the    fridge    to   pull    out    a    sparkling    soda   &    as    she   was    cracking    it   open    over    the   sink    she    spotted   a    golden    dessert   tray    covered    in   a    variety    of   christmas    shaped    cookies   .    some    ginger   breadmen    with    obvious   bites    taken    out   of    their    limbs   ,    a    christmas   tree    missing    the   tip    ,    &   something    with    red   sprinkles    .    the   sign    in    front   read    ‘ cookies    for   santa ’    that    was   paired    with    a    glass    of   milk    .    she   nearly    dropped    her   soda    in    the   sink    at    the   realization    .    james   was    santa    .    he    wasn’t   doing    this    for   himself    or    for   rebecca    ---    this   was    for    clover   .    this    was   for    her    .    clover    was   going    to    wake   up    christmas    morning   &    see    that   santa    had    come   just    for    her   .    she    quickly   shuffled    back    to   the    living    room   to    investigate    further   to    see    a    stocking    hanging   above    the    fireplace   with    a    big   c    hanging    off   it    for    clover   ---    &    it   was    stuffed    full   ,    probably    of   candy    &    toys   .    she    watched   as    james    placed   a    barbie    in   a    pink    gift   bag    ,    her   eyes    falling    to   the    pile    of   little    girls    toys   .    some    barbies   &    dolls    &   a    tea    party   set    .    she   felt    her    heart   flutter    so    much   it    felt    like   she    was    going   to    puke    it   out    ---    her   hands    tingly    ,    her    ears   hot    .    she   was    in    trouble   ,    wasn’t    she   ?    she    looked   back    to    bucky   as    he    delicately    shoved   tissue    paper    in   the    bag    ---   the    lights    still   dancing    off    his   skin    ,    the   sound    of    come   all    ye    faithful   humming    from    the   speakers    .    he   had    saved    her   in    more    ways   than    one    &   now    she    was   standing    in    front   of    him    with   tears    begging    to   fall    from    the   corners    of    tired   eyes    .    it   was    him    ,    wasn't    it   ?    it    was   always    him    &   she    was    seeing   that    clearly    now   for    the    first   time    .    maybe   this    was    a    risk    worth   taking    .    she   just    had    to   accept    that    she   was    totally    &   completely    in    love   with    him    .    no    more   putting    it    on   the    back    burner   .                ‘    james   ---    ’                she    knelt   down    in    front   of    him    as   he    looked    up   at    her    ,    the    flicking   flame    from    the   fireplace    dancing    in   his    eyes    .    her    hand   moved    up    to   gently    rest    on   the    side    of   his    face    ,    a    finger   moving    a    stray   hair    from    his   forehead    &    without   saying    anything    she   leaned    into    him   ----    her    lips   ,    trembling    with   emotion    ,    embracing   his    in    a    near    desperate   kiss    .    something   that    felt    passionate    yet   disciplined    .                ‘    james   ,    i    love   you    .    ’                she    breathed   the    words    into   his    mouth    ,    her    eyes   opening    just    slightly   to    gaze    into   his    own    .    she    wasn’t   as    nervous    as   she    thought    she   would    be    .    he    made   her    feel    secure   ---    there    was   no    reason    to   be    nervous    .    she    kissed   him    again    on   the    side    of   his    mouth    ---   the    softest    of   kisses    ---    &   then    again    on   his    cheek    under   his    eyes    &   then    again    on   his    brow    ---   whispering    in    his   ear    .                ‘    thank   you    .    ’