#red flags series

Unclear consent/hasty consent

All kinks carry inherent risk. Some have physical risks, some psychological risks, plenty have both. Trust your gut if someone seems too eager to dive into something without fully discussing every possible angle you can think of. Don't ever run into something when you could walk. In kink, you aren't just consenting to the activity, you're consenting to the risks which the activity carries. Don't do anything with anyone who doesn't seem to understand that distinction.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Dynamics are a two way street

One of the most misunderstood aspects of kink is the core element of mutual effort. Generally, less experienced people assume that the Dominant is an active participant, while the sub is a passive one, who simply receives whatever the Dom decides, getting off in the process. While this might work well in a Dark Romance novel it is categorically antithetical to real life BDSM. On a fundamental level, BDSM is a collaborative effort. Both the dominant and submissive are active participants, both have to put forth a lot of effort, both in learning about kink and safety and in actual scenes. While a scene might focus on a sub being a pretty doll for their Dom, just laying there and getting off, that should not be reflective of your actual interpersonal dynamic whatsoever. If a submissive doesn't believe they should have to put in as much effort as you, that's reflective of an unwillingness to put effort into your dynamic or your scene with them.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Boundaries/safewords for doms

Just like a submissive has to consent to everything you do, a Dom also has to consent to everything in a scene. If a sub doesn't respect your boundaries, pushes them without permission, or acts as if your boundaries aren't as important as them getting off go play with someone else

"I have no limits"/"I don't use a safeword"

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

REFUSING TO HONOR A SAFE WORD IS SEXUAL ASSAULT

Subs can assault Doms too.

This is fake. Everyone has boundaries. Some people like saying this doing scenes for fun, which can be fine roleplay, but if they genuinely believe it about themselves they are not emotionally mature enough for kink and are an unsafe partner. Run away.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

"Doms don't need aftercare"

Fake. Run. Unsafe partner.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

"Kink dispenser"

Subs should not view you as just someone who reads their mind and tells them things to get them off. Your needs matter too and all participants in a scene should be attentive to each other's needs and interests. You aren't there just to do whatever they want to get them off the same way they aren't there just to do whatever you want to get you off unless you have specifically agreed that you're both into that AND that the scene is going to be about that.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Mental Health, Aftercare, and Drops

Your mental health is just as important as your physical safety in kink. Any submissive you play with must prioritize your emotional well-being the same way you need to prioritize theirs. There will be times when you feel weird after or during a scene or even bad about yourself. Dominance is stressful. Yours truly was once in a particularly harsh impact scene as a rookie Dom, realized how rough the marks on their thighs were, and experienced a drop feeling like a bad person even though they had specifically asked for what I was doing to them. It's perfectly normal to snap back to reality sometimes and end the scene for your own comfort. In fact, it is unsafe for your own emotional health to Dom anyone when you don't feel up to it. The correct thing to do is to communicate with the sub, pause or end the scene as needed, get feedback, let them know you need reassurance. Its completely normal and valid. If someone doesn't want to reassure you, that's a huge red flag

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Final notes

There are many "Doms" that are bad actors or abusers. They crave power over others not to seek out a mutual consensual fantasy, but because they want to stop other people from saying "No" to them, and have nonconsensual control over their life.

There are also many "subs" who are bad actors or abusers. Some are thrill seeking with little care for their own emotional or physical well-being, putting themselves and their dominant at risk by refusing to learn about safety or respect others boundaries. Some dehumanize Doms, essentially treating them like jerk off machine that doesn't have boundaries or feelings or require any effort.

Any standard you hold for yourself as a dominant, about consent, about boundaries, about safety, should also apply to any submissive you play with. No exceptions. Both Dominance AND submission need to be continuously earned, not given. If someone thinks otherwise...

Aftercare - Always mandatory. While it will look different from different people aftercare is still an essential part of a dynamic. If a dom has a problem with aftercare, either your version of it or the concept in general 🚩🚩🚩

Safe words - Always mandatory. Safe words are essential for both doms and subs. It’s valid to use them at any time for any reason. I suggest two safewords for every dynamic. A pause word and a stop word. Yellow and Red are pretty standard in many BDSM circles and they’re fantastic for explaining the concept of each. Yellow or Pause meaning take a breath, check in, and communicate. Red or Stop meaning immediately end the scene and provide aftercare. If the sub is gagged or otherwise speech impaired, a particular noise they can annunciate like “Nuh uh," snapping your fingers, or holding onto a loud object they can drop to create a distinct noise are fantastic alternatives. No one should ever be made to feel guilty for using a safeword. If a dom has a problem with safe words, punishes their sub for using it, or doesn’t immediately stop when the safeword is used. REFUSING TO STOP AFTER A SAFE WORD IS SEXUAL ASSAULT🚩🚩🚩

Check-ins - Recommended. In any dynamic, the dom has a responsibility to make sure their sub is comfortable with the scene as it’s being carried out. Sometimes things can get intense, and if the sub is in subspace, they may not always be able to catch when something starts to overwhelm them. To avoid negative outcomes, I suggest regular check-ins. They can be as simple as “would you like another slap, baby?” or “how does that feel?" or as in-depth as a full pause of the scene. I recomend simple check ins for short scenes (under 10 minutes) and longer water breaks and full pauses during longer scenes. Check-ins are especially important for inexperienced subs and anyone exploring a new type of play. If you think check-ins sound like a good idea, then ask for them! And if your dom refuses 🚩🚩🚩

Boundaries - Always Mandatory. You and your dom both have a responsibility to communicate your boundaries with each other. You also have the responsibility not to cross each other’s boundaries intentionally. Ever. If a dom doesn’t listen to your boundaries, repeatedly crosses them, pushes you to do things you explicitly aren't okay with, or refuses to admit that you don’t like something 🚩🚩🚩

Adapting/Taking critism - Very important. No dynamic will be perfect from the start. Expectations and desires change over time, and even the deepest of connections will evolve. This means that consistant communication and feedback during the dynamic is essential. Bdsm is not about a dom molding a sub into whatever they want. It's about exploring mutually held desires. Both a dom and a sub need to be able to tweak their approaches to each other with time, listen to critisms from each other, and continously adapt as your perceptions of the dynamic change over time. If you have a 24/7 dynamic, I would recomend a regularly scheduled pause every day to talk about the dynamic, voice any critisms, and adjust accordingly. If a dom doesn't want to adjust their approach for you, or shift things in your dynamic based on what you want and like🚩🚩🚩

Punishments - the dynamics conceptualization of punishments should always be pre-negotiated. What is the purpose of punishments? Are they meant to be fun for both parties? Does the sub even want to be punished? Does the dom want to preform punishments? What activities are both parties okay with? If a dom refuses to take all this int account, or wants to give you punishments you dissgree with despite any out-of-dynamic protests🚩🚩🚩

General tips:

Trust your gut - If a situation feels wrong, back out. If someone feels off, or if something isn’t adding up, don't do it. If your gut tells you to run, run. Most BDSM carries inherent risk, if you aren't 100% sure you're willing to accept that risk, don't do it.

Don’t compromise on your boundaries. Ever. - If you feel uncomfortable doing something don’t do it. If a fantasy or scene seems like too much, refuse. There are plenty of doms out there, ignoring your feelings for one that makes you uncomfortable is never worth it.

Talk to others in the community - Please please please for the love of god talk to other subs. Talk to doms that aren’t interested in you. Talk with your dom’s other playmates. Talk with your friends who do kink. Other members of the community are an essential resource and act as a great bullshit detector if something doesn't seem right. Provide support to each other, be as open about your dynamic/potential partners as you comfortably can be. Listen to their feedback.

Sub drop/dom drop - Drops are completely normal during kink. I’ve had them, subs I’ve been with have had them, friends who participate in kink have had them. If you do kink, you’ll probably have a drop at some point, and that’s okay. Your dom should be someone who can comfort you during a drop, the same way you would comfort them if they have one. Your dom should be someone who can make you feel safe during a drop. They should be someone who is willing to comfort you and be there for you while you feel those feelings.