#red chapter one

Everything at this moment is still vague. I don’t know what the future will bring. But all I know is that I want him to smile. I want to be the reason he smiles.

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As I woke up today, I blinked. Was it just a dream? A nightmare? Or was it something real? 

I awoke misty eyed from last night’s adventure. If you call it that. Now that you mention it, it was a blur. Or was it my vision that was blurry when tears ran down my face?

I hit the shower. Warm? Nah. Cold one. I need to wake up. And as the water that was cold as steel hit every cell of my skin, I pondered on last night.

“What’s the problem?” as Geno asked. “That’s the problem. I don’t know what it is.” I replied.

Calling Geno, my very long time friend and fellow actor in college was a right choice. At first I thought of calling my best friend. I decided against it and called Geno instead. Apparently, my best friend Aaron was getting drunk at that time coincidentally somewhere in QC. He is going back to Australia on the 27th to continue the second semester in the University on Canberra and frankly is enjoying the last few days here in the Philippines. The saying “life is a party” can never be too literal for him. 

Geno picked up. He just got off from work at Prudential Life. Chatted some and I asked if he has plans on getting drunk that night. Like Spiderman, he has this awesome spider sense if something is wrong. It has saved him from a lot of heart aches when he senses his ex’s fooling around.

“IDK. I just feel like calling you.” I said to him. Then the convo went to how we are doing, talks of crushes and the likes.

“OK, I’ll be there like in 2o. Later” he said as the call was dropped.

I was alone again. For a brief moment as I was talking with him, I felt good. I felt relieved. More like distracted from the pain that was starting to take effect on my eyes again.

I started to text some people that I felt close to. We talked about what has happened. I was really feeling down. Suddenly the sight of my friend Geno with his corporate look diverted my attention. Of course he was all giddy as usual. He smiled at me while continuing to speak on the phone.

Great. I needed someone to talk to and that someone is talking on the phone with his new boyfriend. I continued to text until he handed me the phone. “Say Hi to John!” he said with all smiles. “Hi?” John on the other hand replied with hello and a small talk ensued and since I wasn’t in the mood for any socialization, I gave the phone back to Geno. A few more seconds and he put down the phone. “So, have you eaten?” He asked. “Yeah” I said meekly. 

“Come and let’s find me a food!” he declared cheerfully. 

After his dinner, we got out to the porch area to light up a fag. People who don’t smoke and says “quit smoking!” is really easier said than done. It is addictive you morons. The instant high you get that helps you clear your mind is so insatiable that parting with it will definitely cause a withdrawal syndrome. Of course, the public is ignorant about these things.

As we were smoking, we were randomly talking about our lives, friends, partying, the days gone by.. He asked. “So why am I here?” I told him what transpired that night. At least how it appeared to me. The jolly Geno me and my friends know of was gone. In his stead was a Psychologist, after all, we are psychologists by profession. I wasn’t at all surprised by this as even my persona changes when psychology mode is turned on. 

Carl Rogers mixed with Sigmund Freud. That was his approach on my case which was nicely done. I need to figure things out. Not about him, but about myself. I was never in a hurry with him. I was taking my time. But I initially thought I was doing it for him, since I was so sure that I was already fine after my last break up. But I was confused if I subconsciously made that decision because I know I am still getting ready or that I am actually afraid of repeating my past mistakes. 

As we grow old, we try to avoid committing the same mistakes that we did in the past. Yet, how are we sure that we have really learnt something from our experience? Or if the trauma of the pain still lingers? Sometimes, these traumas are the cause of one becoming the very assholes and bitches that broke their hearts. But what do we do to change that?

Anyway, I decided to go home around 10. but after we parted, I felt the rush of sadness come. It was inevitable. My tears are on the brink of falling. I felt embarrassed to cry in public. What if someone sees me. “focus” I remember the last episode of Glee as Becky was trying to compose herself. Just as I crossed the street going to were my ride is, someone blew their horn. As I turned to see who it was, the tears started to flow.

It was Teej. He is a friend of one of my ex’s and was there to support me during my great depression days. His smiling face turned serious as he saw the salty droplets run down my cheeks. He knew something was wrong and simply said “I’ll take you home”.

But we didn’t. At least just not yet. We went to a park somewhere south. Near my place. He confessed later that he wanted to take me to ‘that place’ where memories were forged and where those very memories were destroyed. It used to be the special place of me and Teej’s friend, my ex. Now it was just my special place. But going there is bittersweet. It is calming yet the very reason for that place is long gone. And being there, those recollections that are simply impossible to stop would cause more distraught reactions to me.

We had coffee at Santana Groove. There were a few people there, but it was quiet enough for heart to heart talks. I retold him what happened that night and tears just welled out uncontrollably. What a way to welcome the Chinese New Year. Looking back, it was 5 months ago the last time I cried like this.

He didn’t say anything. He just grabbed me, held me in his arms and let me cry on his shoulder. The usual thing he does when me and Kal are in a fit before. I couldn’t stop crying. Then

“So no one told you life was gonna be this way. Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s D.O.A. It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear, when it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, but I’ll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.. I’ll be there for you, like I’ve been there before..I’ll be there for you, cause you’re there for me too..”

He usually sings that song when he is comforting someone who is upset. I sang the chorus with him and my chest felt lighter.. WE laughed a little and started to talk about each other’s lives, our friends, the gang, how it’s been nearly a year since we last went out with the gang etc. We went home shorlty around 2am.

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