#recspec

This year has been something strange. I've gone from one mindset to another, to another, to another, and so on. I can count four significant shifts in my life this year. Which is probably four more than the three years before it. It's been crazy, rough, and plain stupid sometimes. 

To sum it all up, I'm actually pretty happy right now. That happiness has come at the cost of me caring about things. Well, I guess you could say worrying, but caring is worrying right? I feel like I'm free of any kind of obligation, it's pretty nice. It's great to go day by day not worrying about anyone or wondering if anyone is worried about you, or even if they know you exist. 

It's nice, but it's also a bummer. I've always done better in life when I've been in a bad mood. Whether it's been work, school, relationships, etc. Ever since I was...a Junior in high school I guess (Early 04) I became a "miserable" person, but I was able to use that to further myself. 

I mean yes, others look at you, see you alone, and they go "oh look how miserable he is, by himself there." That has never bothered me too much, I learned to adapt to that. Hell, by now I probably prefer it. But other things make you sad and mad, and being able to use that stuff has been a real good thing for me over the years.

Not saying I was miserable, hell, I don't think I was ever that bad off. But if I was mad at someone, sad because of something else, scared of something happening, I was always able to channel that. 

Being happy is the scariest thing in the world to me. I can say that I've been pretty "happy" over the last two months. More than I've been in a long time. Not a damn worry in the world, just drifting from day to day (still don't drink or do drugs or anything like that, just don't). But that's at a cost. It has become REALLY hard to write lately.

I got held up at gunpoint in my garage back in March, and about a week after it settled, I was a MESS. Naturally, I hide things like that well. So I came off as okay to people around me. (People said unnaturally okay, that I was taking things too well). So things started to move in closer and closer and for a short period of time I thought I was going to lose my grasp on reality. I decided to keep a journal (over going to therapy, because I HATE asking for help), which worked out. I did a couple minor designs that I've been really happy with (Roulette Game Club and my Metal Sonic avatar) and I've basically been planning a lot of stuff. 

Basically, this year, from January 1st to October something, before I took my trip. Have been one hell of a ride. I don't regret a bit of it. I'm glad it all happened, even the bad stuff, because it has all led to this point. I used to feel like I was in a river, always being dragged with the current. Now I actually feel free, like I'm in space. Naturally, it's scary at first but you get used to it, and start to enjoy it. Would I recommend it to most folks? Probably not, humans are social creatures after all. But this works for me, and I'm pretty happy.

It's been really hard to write lately because I've been so used to feeding off misery and anger to write, with that gone...it's tough to find a place to start. I kept up my journal religiously up until the end of October, and I've probably updated it ten times since then. I've started it back up recently. Once you've been floating out there awhile, you have to start steering yourself somewhere, can't just drift forever. 

Like a warlord during peace time, you either find some other way to use your talents, or you try to end the peace to start war again. I'm taking the peaceful route. So here's to a fucked up 2012, and here's to a bitching 2013 (During the calamity this year I ended up forcing myself to go to Boston next year). 

I dunno man, still don't feel like giving up that whole "taking over the world" thing I was thinking a few months ago. But the space thing...being up here is fucking amazing. Enjoying it while I can. And yes, I am fully aware that I come off as a crazy person.