#realposting

It was back when I was younger, and all I would think about is how I'd do it. I eventually tried, and failed, because what idiot ties a rope to a cabinet door? Even the simplest of things, killing myself, I failed at. Nobody really knew about it aside from my sister, who told me 'if you wanted to kill yourself, you should have told me so we could do it together'. We were both going through these kinds of thoughts, along with self harm. After the attempt, I still struggled with the static, suicidal thoughts. It became passive. If I can't do it, maybe the world can for me. I didn't think about how much pills to take, but I thought of cars not seeing me cross the road fast enough. I thought covid would be the one to take me out but here we are.

My mother tried pushing religion on me. I didn't really hate it, I prayed from time to time. But it still felt empty. The years afterward felt empty. I started junior high empty. I don't really know the point I'm trying to make here. The point is it gets better. If not better, manageable. The school I thought would hate me and I'd hate back was the place I made the best memories in. The first friend I made there is still someone I thank everyday. There are still times where I feel ashamed, even embarassed for gifting someone and not recieving anything back. "They don't like you, so why bother?" But if all I focus on is if what people do for me, how would I learn that joy is found in sharing what you have? Staying in the comfort zone is more of like a jail rather than a shield. Talk about your feelings. Make art even if it sucks. Show your interests even if it's cringe. Reach out. Alwayssss reach out to people you love, show them you care. Caring has never equated to weakness. Crying has never equated to weakness. If being weak is what's keeping you here, you still have tons of tomorrows to be a little less weak. You still have tons of tomorrows to live out.

If you also struggled with suicidal thoughts, glad you're still here to read this motivation.. slop. Idk. At the end of it all, it's you who picks yourself up for the next day. Give yourself a bit more credit. It's okay if the simple things like loving yourself is hard. Given this day and age, and the conditioning of our lives and the way it goes, it's almost as if it wasn't meant to be easy. But still, try.