#really serious

I used to believe that everyone deserved health care. Now, I work in a clinic where the vast majority of my patients are on government-funded health care. I have learned that the stereotypes about these people are true: Most of my patients have never worked a day in their lives.

this sucks.

all of this sucks.

im not really anybody important, and i dont even know how many people will see this, but maybe i can help whoever does.

we make jokes, we focus on other things, we pretend like its alright and its not that big of a deal, and we're not that affected by it.

but we are.

this is terryfing. every day im constantly so afraid for what will happen. what if my mom gets it? what if she dies? what if my grandparents get it? and yeah, my grandparents arent the best of people but i still love them.

and what about my little cousins who are immunocompromised? theyre only 5 and 7 years old. what if it happened to them? what if it happens to one of my friends?

what about everyone else, too. what about homeless people, what about people in abusive households? what about the people who are being denied treatment because theyre disabled? what if...what if we lose more people because of this then we think? what if we lose everyone? what if this is the end?

im constantly afraid. i dont know whats going to happen, and the thought of losing anybody i care about scares me so much. i makes me feel like im about to fall apart. i hate feeling like that.

im trying my best to hold on, to stay up, to be strong. but, god, this just sucks so much. and sometimes i dont know if i can hold on.

how are we supposed to just go back to normal after this? to just go to the shop, to go to school, to work, like nothing happened? how am i supposed to go to the store and not still be terrified. how? tell me how.

and i know, i know its not going to be normal. i know we're all not going to be okay after this. imagine the aftermath this is going to have, everyone thats going to be hurt.

and im talking about what will happen after, but what about now? so many people have died. so many people have been left broken because of who've they've lost. so many people have lost everything, and we're all just not talking about it. we push it away, we distract ourselves, and we try not to think about all the people lost. i feel like im gonna fall apart when i think about it. like, whats the count at now? 300k? thats so many people. thats terrifying? how am i supposed to not fall apart when that many people are just, gone. theyre just gone.

and yeah, im 13, im just a kid. but dammit, that doesnt mean my feelings and my thoughts arent valid. and theres people out there, who are taking this so unseriously that they want the quarintine to be over even though so many people are still dying. it hasnt gotten better. we need so much more time. it makes me want to scream with frustration. how can you be so inconsiderate? so horrible? how can you be so upset that you cant go outside that you protest on the streets and refuse to just be safe even though there are people fucking dying? how many people have you killed because you cant fucking think about anybody other then yourself? how could you? how could you put so many others in danger because you're so immature? people are dying, and you still put others in danger. i hate you. i hate you, i hate you, i hate you. i hate you.

this is just...i dont know.

i know that itll be okay eventually, and that we'll heal, and i should be strong, but its not okay right now. its not okay. and im so scared. im so scared.

i dont really know to end this. i guess, its okay if you're not okay right now. everyones not okay. this is hell for everyone. its okay to not be okay. im not okay either.