#really personal shit

hey so kind of heavy. lil update for anyone that follows this account still. So I tried to kill myself at the beginning of October. I then spent two weeks in hospital. One week at a regular hospital as a result of my attempt and then another in an inpatient facility.

Life is weird, man. And at times it is so cruel and dark and twisted. But goddamn do I feel bad for doing what I did. I would've shattered my friends' lives. I was looking for a permanent end to a temporary pain.

Idk.

I feel like I’ve lost all track of who I am, what I’m here to do, and now I’m back to drifting.

I feel so worthless and aimless and pointless. Hard to say if I’d be the same way if the pandemic didn’t happen or not, but the pandemic did happen and I’m here now.

Lost again. And this time idk if I’ll find something to keep me pushing.

This shit is hard, y’all.

Hey guys, it’s a bit late for me to be posting about this on here but I’m doing a 12+ hour live stream on my twitch because my birthday is tomorrow and I want to do something ridiculous and fun for myself since the holidays have really beaten the shit out of me mentally and emotionally.

That being said, the holidays can be a really rough time for a lot of people dealing with mental illness. Seeing everyone be happy and “merry” while they’re not feeling the same way can worsen how one feels. I know because I know people that feel this way. I know because I feel this way. It’s been reported by a survey conducted by 

Streaming on twitch has really helped me come out of my depression a bit this year since I started streaming every day doing a Vlogmas type stream schedule called Twitchmas (I don’t know if anyone else does that but if any other twitch streamer does let me know!) I also wanted to try and break 50 followers so I can be a step closer to affiliate. But that being said I realized that I shouldn’t just try to do this stream out of my want to break 50 followers so I kind of wanted to give a bit back during my 12+ hour stream. So that’s why I’m going to be donating $5 for every new twitch follower I get. I’m going to cap it off at 40 new followers because $200 is all I can afford to donate at the moment (but I honestly might through more in there later on.)

The money will be split between two organizations that I know and support, The Trevor Project and The Suicide Prevention Lifeline. 

So if any of y’all wanna drop in and push me along during these 12 hours my twitch channel is Twitch.tv/Xanderisfake ! Regardless of if you have an account or not, or follow or not, feel free to just drop in and hang for a while!

If you don’t have an account or don’t want to drop into the dream, please consider donating to The Trevor Project or The Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Keep those that struggling with mental health in your thoughts over the next few days. The holidays can be the most soul-crushing and emotionally and mentally draining times of year for people dealing with mental illness. Donations link down below.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/donate/

*cricket noise*