Jun 25
Wait have some of you guys never been to a panaderia ????
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Wait have some of you guys never been to a panaderia ????
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The most embarrassing thing is whenever I suddenly find a character that’s rlly cute n I’m kinda like ‘oh heyyyy handsome’ way more than half the time after a few seconds it’s like ‘oh, I’m pathetic’ realizing said character looks A Lot Like Ric.hard Br.ake .
Omg I will have my masters degree two weeks from today 🧍🏽♀️
Realization I’m 18 in 8 days.
I’m going to be 18 in 8 days (Starting tomorrow, yes that means April 1st ha ha my birthday is April Fool’s Day get over it) and it hit me hard.
I have social anxiety and just anxiety in general I guess. I also get depressed, no i’m not just saying that cause I get really sad I’m saying that because there are days I don’t wanna get up and face the world, I wish i wasn’t here, that I was dead or that I had the, i don’t wanna say courage ..., or that I was able to do myself in. (truth is I'm too scared and it’s only for a moment I think it so don’t think I’m that suicidal, I’m okay) I prefer my dreams, whatever they may be, to this twisted reality.
I don’t know how to drive yet cause you don’t have to wait as long after an Adult Learner’s Permit (Idk if same everywhere but i’m in CT), I’m not going to college, i didn’t see a point since I have no idea what I wanna do with my life, I have NO CLUE what to do with my life, I have to get a job and I can’t talk to people, I can’t deal with random people (I had a job as a telemarketer for about... 3 hours, couldn’t do it.) and most jobs (Near me/available to me) are talking to people. My friends are gunna move away and go off to college. My dad is pressuring the hell outta me and my mom is starting to though she’s more subtle.
So....
Had myself a good long needed cry tonight... I was wailing (and I mean WAILING I had to blast music and bite a towel) like a baby and I’m not ashamed to admit it. or the fact that I needed to hold tightly to my stuffed rabbit I got when I was born. I feel slight comfort when I hold him.
Also I almost passed out from hyperventilating but was able to grab my inhaler and stop breathing for a few seconds to calm myself. I should really keep paper bags handy. (Do those actually work?)
I feel good now, not better, but a bit more relaxed but still a bit shaky and a tiny bit light-headed which should go away once I lay down.
My eyes are gunna be puffy in the morning but it was worth it. And I was able to get through it alone, I messaged my friend but I guess he was asleep... It’s okay though, I’m not mad at him or anything but he might be worried until I get to school to explain what happened.
I just really needed to share what’s been on my mind lately. Thank you for taking the time to read this. It actual means a lot to me that people know what i’m going through (however little it may be) because going through something with no one knowing and no one there to listen is... the worst feeling...
Wow, so we got our report cards friday, and I was pretty happy with it (no longer failing math!) but then I added up my points and realized that if I get these grades during my exams next year I could actually go to Oxford.
I've just kind of been going along this year studying here and there but not really a lot (riding five times a week, dancing two + tutoring little kids) but I think it's crunch time now. Because wow, I could actually do that.
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I don't think Jo is going to see the Dacey makeout video
I DO think that Jo is going to see the video Tyler took of Dacey's date. Because I have a feeling that he might use it to get Jo in his good graces.
So I have this thing I say when I realize something or someone else realizes something.
I say, "REALIZATION HIT"
Because realization practically hit me or the person in the face.
Wat.