#reality boy

I am a circus freak Caught in a cage, caught in a cage Staring without a blink Swallow me whole, swallow me whole

Gerald was featured on the TV show Network Nanny alongside his family as a child. Dubbed “the Crapper” for his specific brand of misbehavior (it’s exactly what you’re thinking, but in his defense he was five and had no other way to convey that something was horribly wrong at home), Gerald has become infamous to both peers and strangers. People will approach him, sometimes at work where he’s essentially cornered, and try to goad him into a reaction. 

But Gerald can’t react. He’s on thin ice from previous altercations and refuses to take the bait, knowing he’ll be the one blamed for the incident and will face much bigger consequences than those harassing him. In response, he slips into a flat affect, imagining himself as wearing “war paint” that allows him to “lie down and take” the targeted attacks from his peers.

I am a circus freak Cut out my heart, cut out my heart Loveless and watch me bleed Tear me apart, tear me apart, yeah

Gerald has spent years receiving hate mail that makes it clear there is no sympathy for him in the eyes of the viewers. In all of his experiences with those who recognize him, only one stands out as positive: a complete stranger asked if he was okay, hugged him, and apologized to him for the way he was treated on the show (something production never did and probably never will). He reflects, “In ten years, I have been recognized, scrutinized, analyzed, criticized, and even terrorized by a handful of the millions of Network Nanny viewers. Never was I hugged.” The cruel and indifferent responses he received as a child (a child who explicitly told Nanny he feared for his safety, mind you) has stuck with him, and he questions how those who claimed to want to help him could be so heartless to a helpless child, writing in his final letter to Nanny, “Do you think they liked watching me suffer because it made them happy to see a little boy suffering? Do you think it’s because it took attention away from their own suffering? Because we were suffering. Lisi and I told you. You asked and we told you.”

I am a circus freak So many scars, so many scars I'm just the common creep Something to watch, something to watch

Gerald truly is viewed like some kind of circus attraction, his celebrity somehow negating that he’s a real human being who was exploited by the show for entertainment. His worst moments were captured on camera and immortalized online with “six million views so far.” He’s passive aggressive in his criticism of those who watched his cries for help on TV and did nothing, saying, “You all watched and gasped and put your hands over your eyes… I was so entertaining. Right? Wasn’t I?” Gerald is viewed as “part movie star and part maniac,” but very rarely as a regular kid who needed help and was failed by those who could have provided him with it. 

I've lost myself in make-believe (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go, make me) Over and over I've deceived (I don't wanna go, I don't want to go) You want reform? I can't conform 'Cause I can't take anymore of your tainted bliss 'cause I've lost myself in make-believe You can't break me

Nanny was invited to the house to try to fix Gerald’s misbehavior, but Gerald was never able to conform to her rules or be the perfectly behaved child she tried to make him into. Gerald explains, “I couldn’t do what they said. They wanted a tame, loving child. I could give them one if only they stopped telling me what was wrong with me and let me tell them instead.” Despite Gerald still acting out, Nanny leaves the family and things go back to “normal,” with Tasha continuing her reign of terror and their mother pretending that everything is fine. They play along with the narrative of the show, acting as though Nanny fixed them, when really the situation is worsening. 

To cope with Tasha’s abuse, his parents’ indifference, and the lasting effects of being exploited by reality TV at such a young age, Gerald daydreams of a place he calls Gersday. In Gersday, Tasha doesn’t exist and he’s free to escape there whenever she torments him. Gerald doesn’t quite grasp how often he zones out, though, and doesn’t think of it as a problem. Teachers point out he’s often “off in la-la land” and Hannah explains that he’s hard to talk to because he’s often lost in his own head. He’s initially defensive of this, willfully ignoring how bad his dissociation has become. He begins to understand the extent to which he’s lost himself, though, realizing that going to Gersday is like cocooning himself in protective wrap, but his mouth and his mind are being stifled by how tight it is. Gerald is constantly on the defensive, and he thinks, “that’s how it works when you grow up in the land of make-believe. To survive, you wrap and wrap and wrap until you’re safe. Gersday is full of shit. Nothing is real.”

I've waited ten long years just to look in the mirror And to find just what I'm staring at I've waited ten long years just to tell you I'm fearless You don't understand, I've become who I am Oh, you know you can't break me

This verse is the entire reason I wanted to pair this song with this book in the first place.

Remembering how Network Nanny’s crews stormed off for the last time, Gerald thinks of how, at that moment, he shut down. “I went to my room and took a nap. A ten-year-long nap. The Gerald who didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want to do has taken a ten-year-long nap. The Gerald who had control over his life is awake again. Good morning. How did you sleep?”

So light me up, my little projector And eat me up like Hannibal Lecter Then turn us from a friend into strangers 'Cause you'll never admit that you're wrong Enough's enough, projector So sit us down and give a new lecture Then wear us out like ugly old sweaters You bummed me out 'til I wrote a song Enough's enough, projector

When the Network Nanny crew arrived at Gerald’s house, Fake Nanny immediately sat them on the couch for a scene and proclaimed the family needed discipline, all while looking directly at Gerald. He was immediately cast as the “problem child” and became the main focus of their episodes. While Tasha terrorized her siblings behind the scenes, the show, as Hannah puts it, “didn’t make her look all that bad. It was really you they focused on. You know, you were kinda the star of that family… Nothing you didn’t already know, though, right?” 

This isn’t news to Gerald: for over half his life, he has been taunted by classmates who watched his most viral moments from the show on YouTube and harassed by strangers who happened to recognize him. Gerald feels he was exploited by the show and is justifiably angry, but also somewhat burnt out by it all, thinking “My life. My life is such a bummer.”

Shut the fuck up, please You flap your gums until I wanna pull my teeth You may invade their brain and wear them down into insane to say "Oh, wow!", "Oh, word!?", "That's wild, I agree"

Fake Nanny, complete with her fake English accent, has no qualifications to mediate family conflicts or to provide guidance on parenting troubled children. While there is a real nanny on set (one who Gerald is sure can see right through Tasha’s tricks), Nanny is an actress who follows directions that his parents also go along with for the cameras. 

Nah, but that cannot be me I see through every smile like 20 thread count sheets Apologize or die, you'd choose the latter not the right to be A decent human being just for once

Gerald, on the other hand, understandably struggles to follow the directions the crew gives him, explaining to the reader, “I couldn’t do what they said. They were wrong and I was right. They wanted a tame, loving child. I could give them one if only they stopped telling me what was wrong with me and let me tell them instead.” Gerald is just a child, and he is dependent on the adults around him to protect him from Tasha’s harm. However, he becomes increasingly disillusioned from filming for the show and realizes that the people who claim to want to help him and his family only care about the ratings, not his wellbeing. 

His frustration extends to his parents, whose cooperation with Nanny’s rules on-screen does not continue once the cameras stop rolling. Behind the scenes, they continue to turn a blind eye to Tasha’s increasingly concerning behavior. Their attempts at making changes around the house are purely for the cameras so as not to give viewers the impression that they are bad parents. 

His mother, especially, is more concerned with appearances than her family’s wellbeing, worrying about what viewers will think of their house and wanting to redo the kitchen before filming begins for their follow-up episode. Meanwhile, she enables Tasha’s behavior and continues to treat her “like a princess even though Tasha hit her all the time.” She defends Tasha to Nanny, even when it is abundantly clear that Tasha is in the wrong, entirely unable to accept that Gerald isn’t actually the problem.

I'm talking to a wall again Why do I even try?

Gerald explicitly told Nanny (and the cameras) that he was afraid of Tasha harming him while filming their first episode. The first time he confides in Nanny, she laughs his concerns off as exaggeration, saying “Your sist-ah isn’t trying to kill you, Gerald.” He continues to inform Nanny of his sister’s violence in their follow-up episode, saying “Tasha tried to kill me again last week” in one take and “School would be better if Tasha weren’t trying to kill me all the time” in the next, much to the irritation of the crew, who are looking for positive accounts of the family’s progress to feature in the episode. 

Shh, listen more, talk less I've seen this film before and I know how this ends You tell me how you're right to light relationships on fire And try to lock us all inside because you're wrong

Between their first episode of Network Nanny and their second, Gerald continued to act out in order to communicate to his mother that something was wrong, that he was “still alive and still angry,” and that “Fake Nanny messed us up worse.” She doesn’t get the message, though, and invites Nanny back to film a second episode. Gerald is skeptical, knowing that Nanny didn’t fix anything that was wrong with their family the first time she visited (in fact, Tasha’s behavior has only gotten worse) and a second visit from a reality TV show probably won’t help either. Nanny does help somewhat, pointing out to his mother that she is “so busy telling him to hush up you forget to listen to him.”

Wow, look at your success You shit on all your friends and blamed 'em for the mess But I don't need to believe everything that I read I can see there's a demon that's stealing my peace A disease that never leaves until I sing through gritted teeth

Tasha has their mother wrapped around her finger. She doesn’t question Tasha when she blames Gerald for an incident, nor does she punish Tasha when she acts out, and this is something Tasha frequently takes advantage of to make Gerald’s life worse. She is smart enough to only hurt him where cameras can’t see and then run into view of a camera when Gerald fights back, giving the show more footage to villainize Gerald with. Contrary to her depiction on Network Nanny, Tasha is a demon terrorizing her younger siblings and is Gerald’s “number one trigger.” His only escape is to dissociate to a make-believe world where Tasha doesn’t exist. 

(Also, “you shit on all your friends and blamed 'em for the mess” is both figural and literal here: Tasha calls Gerald “the problem child,” ignoring the fact that she provokes his bad behavior, but she also defecates in her own room, knowing that (based on Gerald’s track record) she can blame it on him and get him into more trouble.)

If stubborn is as stubborn does You've done enough tonight I'm talking to a wall again Why do I even try?