#real life pixie

Being so careful about not wanting to know spoilers that you don’t realise until you get to the last episode that it IS NOT the last episode (damn you FINAL SEASON labelling - how dare you!!).

Being in a weird limbo with your mental illness because you had been dreading the end and there being no further story for these characters and instead of being in mourning now you have to just... wait.

Wanting to stem the weird limbo feeling by reading fanfic, but again, not wanting to be spoiled so having to do the equivalent of looking through your fingers when you’re scared of a horror movie, only you are tentatively reading summaries and the first chapters of fanfics.

Not being quite sure if characters are in character because you are too scared to read the character wiki’s because AGHH WHAT IF SPOILERS!

Not quite knowing what you ship but being open to a lot and so you kinda dont know where to start...

Coming across a Eruri fic that is so damn long and so damn good that you are suddenly thrust into that feeling you used to feel when you are reading a good novel and SHUTUP LEAVE ME ALONE REAL LIFE I AM GOING TO !!READ!! THIS WEEKEND.

- Save Your Tears - The Weeknd

- Cosmic Love - Florence and The Machine

- Jump in the Line - Harry Belafonte

- The Wellerman - misc. Tiktok people

- Ray of Light - Madonna

- Baby - Bishop Briggs

- Typhoon - Royal Blood

Those of you who have been following me for a long time know that this job-searching business has been going on for literal YEARS for me. Almost 3 years in fact.

And it’s been hard. Really fucking hard. My anxiety disorder has kind of taken a backseat to depression these last few years. There were LOTS of low times and so many self-doubts. Times where I actually wondered whether I even had any skills or things to offer the world at all. Or whether it might be easier to just not exist.

Ya see when you apply for so many jobs... over 350 actually in my case... and receive so much indifference or rejection... it becomes a struggle everyday to not feel worthless. To not feel that there MUST be something wrong with you.

And I, as someone who considered myself fairly well-educated and skilled.... really struggled to understand why nobody seemed to “want me”.

I know that sounds really... I dont know... self-centred and haughty or whatever... but its true. It’s how I felt. And it was hard.

So I've struggled. And I've persevered. But it was with a lot of help. From my psychologist, from my family, from my friends (including my beautiful online friends).

Thank you so much. I love you. 

And now this journey has reached its destination. I now have a full-time job working at a Flexi School which I am really enjoying and hope to continue to enjoy for many years to come.

For those of you not aware, a flexi school refers to alternative schools with flexible education. A lot of the kids I am going to be working with have special needs that make going to mainstream school hard for them. Autism, mental health issues, learning difficulties etc. Flexi schools offer smaller classes and alternative pathways to getting the qualifications they need to get into uni or whatever other area they want to move towards. So although I’m working in administration, I am excited to be able to use some of my Social Work background. 

My first week went fantastically. I like my team, my anxiety was actually not a bastard for once and I’m just so, so excited for what this will mean for moving on with the rest of my life.

I will be able to move out and live independently again. I will probably be able to start dating again. I will be able to have self-confidence in myself as an individual again. 

Sorry for the long post, but you can’t imagine how much this one tiny little (actually quite big, huge in fact) thing means to me.

Feeling good.

I wouldn’t presume to be able to speak for my country. But I can speak for myself and my local community. Which I will put under a cut just in case you didn’t wanna scroll through my rambling.

Things are going fine for me. My country (Australia) hasn’t instigated a lock down but most businesses are going remote if they can and social distancing is being actively encouraged by the media and government.

Social distancing isn’t very different from my everyday life (because I’m unemployed and at home a lot anyway) so that isn’t a major thing for me.

I have symptoms of a cold at the moment. At this point I really do think its just a cold because I havent had a fever or achey body or fatigue. Just sniffles and coughs. But like a responsible human, I am monitoring my symptoms and if I get any of the virus symptoms I will call my doctor and work out what to do next.

I am actually very happy with my local community at the moment. I was at the grocery store on Sunday with my parents and whilst it was very VERY busy, people were being polite, reasonable and shelves were not being cleared out. Even toilet paper was available (though it should be noted that my store has implemented a one-pack-per-shopper rule). It made me happy to see people were being sensible (like my family, who has stocked up enough to keep us from having to go to the shops for maybe two weeks), but were not being greedy or panicking.

So really, Covid hasn’t really been inconveniencing my life too much. It’s just small things that I have to consider more:

- paracetemol (its like tylenol) is very scarce - so my hangover headache a few days ago just had to ridden out

- being hyper-vigilant with my cold symptoms - though I would be doing that anyway since I have a pregnant sister living with me who is due in 3 weeks (and i wanna be able to KISS DAT BEH-BEH!)

- rethinking going to spend time with my elderly neighbours - im very close to them and one just had a health scare so im wanting to spend more time with them but don’t think thats a responsible thing to do right now

- considering whether doing childcare at the moment is a good idea (i say im unemployed but i do private childcare now and then) - for instance I have a job this friday - and I’ll admit, I’m a bit nervous because the schools/daycares havent been closed yet in my state/country and like, I have no way of knowing and can’t control the dozens of people that these kids have come into contact with. After this job I think I’m going to politely decline any new jobs for the forseeable future.

- resigning myself to the fact that I will definitely not be getting a job within the next few months. sigh.

Just little things like that. Hope you all are well and riding the wave like me.

Cheers from me and Cru (who is not meant to be on the bed, but who could resist that face!)

Mah girl @serendipitous-magic​ tagged me. 

Rules: Choose 20 books you want to read or goals you want to achieve in 2020. That’s it! It can be a mix of books and goals, or 20 books, or 20 goals…. it’s up to you. Then tag some friends to play along.

So the thing is, I only have 2 books I want to read at the moment, so I cheated and supplemented with movies that I want to watch. Very me of me.

Books & Movies:

1) Over The Top - Jonathan Van Ness

2) Beautiful on the Outside - Adam Rippon

3) The Nightingale (2018)

4) Melody (1971)

5) Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore (1974)

6) Gone With The Wind (1939)

7) In The Mood For Love (2000)

8) Mulholland Dr (2001)

9) Portrait of a Lady on Fire (2019)

10) The Handmaiden (2016)

Goals:

11) Get a full-time job.

12) Start dating again.

13) Improve my friendships.

14) Improve my mental health.

15) Move out and live independently. 

16) Get a personal trainer and get myself to my goal weight.

17) Read more books.

18) Get better at contouring. I still dont quite get it. 

19) Get a social hobby. I’m thinking of maybe taking up netball again.

20) Be nicer to myself.