#readinginsteadofwriting

You know those stories that are few and far between?  You know the ones I’m talking about.  The ones where you go HOLY FUCKING SHIT about ALL THE THINGS and you aren’t even to Chapter 4 yet? The ones that seem to check off every box you both knew you’ve been looking for and also those other boxes?  Those boxes you didn’t even know you had before this story?   That single story you stumble across, simply by accident because you hadn’t originally been looking in that direction, or maybe the description was vague as shit (or even terrible), or the relationship wasn’t one of your top 3 favs so you stumbled across this random story by CHANCE.  You hadn't known to look here.  It surprised you completely.     You read a sentence, and the one after that, and the next thing you know, you are 8 novel-length chapters in, re-reading the same fucking paragraph over and over, trying to BREATHE, because the wording and verbiage and emotion and characterization and plot just made your toes curl and some unknown tension released within, and you find yourself brimming with tears and sighing in goddamn satisfaction so much that your husband rolls over and demands to know what the fuck is wrong... And I’m not even talking about SEX.  I mean, there’s that too.  And the sex scenes are AMAZING as SHITBALLS.  So much so that it’s hard to even sit still while reading.  But no.  Here, I’m talking about the something more. Those stories that you finish and you cannot WAIT to re-read because FUCK ALL, if THIS story isn’t the best thing you’ve ever put your heart to.  It comes alive, the characters real, the emotion catching in your chest, the angst ripping your heart out.  

There is someone out there who wrote this.  A brilliant, amazing, creative, perhaps hurting, maybe even traumatized, real life human being, sitting in her house, or a park, or a coffee shop... putting pen to paper to release this story into the universe - because it’s a story that just NEEDS to be told.  Maybe its escapism.  Maybe it’s heartbreak.  Maybe its trauma.  Maybe its PASSION and enthusiasm.  Whatever the reason - someone MADE this happen.  It didn’t just fall out of their fingers.  

They created this because someone out there needs to read it.

The story is a gift, to you, from the writer.  Maybe the story was one they needed telling.  But it was worked over, concentrated upon.  Time was spent, effort.  Energy.  You know it took you hours, if not DAYS to read it.  

It took them longer to write it.

And it is just moving.  I am in pieces.  

Beautiful things don’t always look beautiful.   

We don’t appreciate fanfiction authors enough.  Some of these rare beauties are just pieces of ART.   I came across a fic recently that reminded me yet again that there will NEVER be enough hours in the day to read these breathtaking stories.  This story also reminded me WHY I want to write, why I want to try and get this story sitting on my chest that I’m working on - OUT, and better myself as an author.  Why I love fanfiction and this community that I’m just starting to tip my toes into and get to know. These fucking amazing stories.  I came across this dark as FUCK fic - and yes, sometimes the cursing is just NECESSARY.  This fic is one of the darkest I’ve ever read (which is saying a LOT), and no I’m not ready to share what fic it is quite yet.  It’s too new, I’m still too overwhelmed.  It was a hard read on so many levels, with so many layers that I can’t even begin to muddle through.  If I shared this fic today, while it is so raw, I’m also sharing something about myself that I’m not ready to do so yet.  It feels too close, too vulnerable.  Maybe someone might look into that recommendation too far and ask a question I'm not ready to face myself, much less answer to anyone.  

For now, I need to protect myself by holding it close to the chest.  For today.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll be ready to release it.  Maybe not tomorrow.  Maybe next year.  Who knows. I’m talking about this story I re-read today, because I know there is someone out there who understands what I’m trying to say and where I’m coming from.  And friend, if you are anything like me, if you think you get me on some level - hell, on ANY level - please reach out and tell me I’m not so goddamn alone.

This story I read wasn’t written for every reader.  It wasn’t for the faint of heart, the innocent, the squeamish.  This story was for someone who has lived it.  Some things just can’t be told.  Some things have to have contextual RL experience for it to resonate as the writer intended.  The same stories are not for everyone.   But this fic, I just finished a re-read of it.  Well, what is written so far of it.  And I’m just sitting here in all my overwhelmed glory, because someone out there put into words the most amazing story.  And it made me feel ALL the things.

And sometimes, all the things isn’t “all the good things.”  It was so hard to read at times... I know it was a pouring out of emotion and full of vulnerability and hurt.  It was eloquent.  It was astounding.  It was novel-length.  The characterization is real and captivating and mind-blowing.   I feel like I’ve experienced a paradigm shift.  These stories that you finish and they remain present at the forefront of your mind afterwards.  You can’t help but to keep digesting and mulling, replaying moments, a feeling, a scene.  

Some of these stories are so much more than “fanfiction” and we are so blessed to have amazing storytelling in this format.  There will never be enough of a thank you to these authors - please keep producing.  There are so many things to feel, so many stories to tell.  

My First Story Rec:  The Honeypot Series https://archiveofourown.org/series/581935

At some point, I’ll figure out how to archive my story recs together.  But I want to give each rec it’s moment to begin with.  The Honeypot series moves me.  Like, in my soul.  It’s gorgeous.

These stories captivate me in ALL the ways.  I just finished a re-read of them, and again, I’m just absolutely blown away by it.  The story is deep and incredibly moving.  There are scenes that leave me WRECKED - and I’m not even talking about the sex scenes.  

There’s a scene in the 1st fic that describes one of the characters so achingly perfect - they give him JUSTICE and character background that is so spot on and achingly accurate, that I have to stop mid-sentence and try again, because it hurts and is so good... It just nails all the feels in all the right places, OMG.  

There’s a scene in the 2nd story that is so realistic, so heartbreaking - I must re-read it over and over - it’s hauntingly and achingly gorgeous in all it’s angsty glory.  

There’s a scene in the 4th story that I can barely get through - just SOBBING my heart out.  The LOVE in this story is easily one of the best out there.  It’s real, it’s tangible, it’s gut-wrenching.  

The sex is AMAZE-BALLS, HOLY SHIT IT’S THE BEST THING EVER.  But the story is so much more.  

It’s more.  It’s everything a story should be.  And it leaves me breathless for more.  

Steve, Sasha, and Sai are perfect, and I will always need more of them, even if the authors say the series is complete.  I wish they would go back and explore these characters again.  

I fall in love with them over, and over again.  I’m utterly infatuated.

And seriously, could Sasha be ANY HOTTER?  

It’s one of those stories that I have to have repeated inner debates on whether or not to search out a new fic or just enjoy immersing myself yet again into this visceral and lush world, where everything just fits, like the perfect puzzle piece. It all is described in such detail, you can practically taste the air, and the characters feel foundational in a way most stories lack because they can’t see them so wholeheartedly, in both their strengths as well as their weaknesses.  

To me, this is a core fic.  If you want a story that completely fleshes out ALL the characters, plot, and storyline - this is the one for you.  It’s angsty, so much so that one physically aches for these characters, but in that angst, it’s so gorgeously done that despite how much it hurts, you need more.

What inspires me to write?  Stories like this one, where I can live and breathe these characters in a world that was created exactly and perfectly for them.