#rdme

I’ve been thinking a lot about intimacy and sex lately. it’s kinda a foreign topic for me because it was never my choice before (bad childhood shit) so i was afraid for a really long time. anyway, therapy is amazing and the right person will understand why i’ve waited so long and i won’t have to be scared. maybe i’ll even like it.

finally had my appointment at the new dermatologist. what i’ve been treating as acne for years is actually rosacea. i’m a bit sad because she says it’s lifelong. but there are much worse things to have chronically. i need to take better care of my skin. i felt really self-conscious about the redness, especially when it flares up. but it’s okay. i’m going to be kind to me and make more of an effort for my skin. any thoughts/tips would be welcome.

a lot of my trauma comes from childhood. i also think that’s where my fear of intimacy and men come from. we’re in that run down trailer in louisiana. i can hear a woman screaming but i don’t know who it is. i don’t know if it’s my memory or something that happened to my mom, or maybe one of my sisters. it’s really scary sometimes. the helplessness. the hopelessness. i just want to heal others and be healed.

my room is my safe place. it’s where i sleep, write and meditate. i’m surrounded by all the things i love. when that space gets interrupted or disturbed, i tend to feel crazy. were getting new furniture (and i am very grateful). but people i don’t know will be in my home. where do i go to find peace? i know i’m just anxious and overthinking. but emotional upheaval i’m going to feel will definitely be real until things get settled down again. 

life seems so difficult and all this strife hardly worth it. my best will never be enough. i’ll live paycheck to paycheck while desperately wishing i was book smart, so i could’ve become a nurse. depression and anxiety will rule my existence and i can only hope that there is nothingness in the next life so i don’t have to do this ever again. i wanted my life to mean something and i thought i had found purpose. i keep thinking i’ll feel better tomorrow but each new day passes and i realize i’m just bitter. i’ll literally spend the rest of my life trying to make it by. i’ll never make a living wage. i’ll never have quality or affordable health insurance. I’ll never have a fairy tale wedding or unconditional love. i’ll never get to see the world. scarred children make broken adults. i’m proof. i just don’t want to do it anymore and i’m stuck here because of a promise i made to myself a long time ago.

i’ve been blessed. i have so much but i always want more. i never stay satisfied. the void gets bigger. i just feel suffocated by my selfishness, and the walls are closing in. how could anyone love me?